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Worried about my BF ruining her life - just need to vent!

3 replies

JosieRosie · 13/06/2011 14:29

My BF is married to a man who is very controlling and, in her words, 'chauvinistic'. I've written about him on here before. He makes all the major decisions in their life - they made the decision to get married about 6 months before they told anyone, she had to wait until he was good and ready to 'announce' it. They got married in his home town, even though her family live in the town they lived in together at the time. He decides when and where they go on holidays. He's decided (unilaterally) that they will be moving near his parents in a couple of years time, and bugger what she thinks about it.

For some daft reason, my BF left it until 3 months before their wedding to ask this man if he wanted children. He said 'yes, definitely, 100%'. She has been VERY hot and cold about the whole idea for years, but after hearing his response, told me 'so I guess we will be having chidren then'. It's like she has no mind of her own when it comes to decisions about their life together.

Anyway, I saw her last week and she told me that they are going to start 'trying for a child'(her words) in the autumn. The look on her face when she said those words was one of weary resignation, with a bit of terror thrown in. I asked her how she feels, she said 'weird'. I fully understand why parenthood would be a bit unnerving and daunting to most people, but there was no hint of excitement or happiness AT ALL in what she said. She told me she would prefer to adopt, but he is adamant that he wants to have their (i.e. his) own child

WTF do I do? I know that ultimately this is her bed, she has to lie in it, she knew what sort of tosser man he was before she married him, but I'm so worried that she's going to have children under duress, because it's what he's insisting on. Is there anything I can do apart from just listening to her? I don't know whether to be firm with her and tell her to THINK and be true to herself before jumping feet first into a life she may not want. All advice gratefully received and thanks for reading this far!

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WriterofDreams · 13/06/2011 14:58

Having been in a somewhat similar predicament before my advice would be to say nothing and just be there for her. Hopefully she will see the light before she has children but unfortunately I think that's unlikely. The danger if you say anything is that she will start to get defensive and push you away, which is the last thing you want. All you can do is support her as best you can and be there for her if and when things go tits up. Do you have any kids of your own? If you do you could talk a bit to her about how a supportive caring DH is so important when you have a baby - act as though you're just talking about yourself and don't make any reference to her DH, it might make her think.

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WriterofDreams · 13/06/2011 15:00

Just to add, I told a friend outright what I thought of his horrible bitch of a partner (he asked) and it still made no difference. Fortunately he eventually broke up with her but people don't usually listen when they're told about their partners - they have to wake up to it for themselves.

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JosieRosie · 13/06/2011 15:44

Thanks Writer. I think what you say is so very true - she will have to figure this one out for herself. I don't have any children, I'm a committed non-parent actually! It's frustrating to see her embarking on such a momentous decision while feeling less than enthusiastic about it - of all decisions in life, surely having children is the one thing you should be rock solid about if you're going to do it!
Anyway, many thanks for reading and commenting