It's over isn't it?

[Venacava]

I moved in with my dp in January. Moved out of my parents house and rented a house 100 miles away. I pay all the rent as my dp is in his final year of uni. He is 32, I am 22.

We had it all planned out, I had a new job up here and he was going to move in once the lease on his shared house had run out. Things with the new job took a twist and I ended up working away from home in the week, only back at weekends.

During the week I can't wait to be back with him but as soon as I get home on a friday I get all angry and feel trapped. I am shattered from my job. I spend the whole day driving on top of a 1.5 hour commute from where I live in the week.

He barely does anything around the house. I am a very clean person but he has just shifted all of his crap from his student house into mine. He does the bare minimun around the house in the week. For example this friday I got back to the washing from the week that he had done in a panic upon realising I was coming back. It was left in the washing machine for me to hang up. It then makes life more difficult for me to get my work clothes washed and dried for monday. He says im always cleaning on a weekend but that's because he hasn't even run the hoover around or given the bathroom a wipe in the week. He will just lay on the sofa playing computer games while I clean.

He has put on loads of weight since we met. Has a massive tummy. He also does things that I find disrespectful like farting, burping, picking his nose or spots in front of me. It annoys me that he thinks its acceptable for him to do that and I'm still supposed to find him attractive. We havn't slept together in months, partlky because of a medical problem with me and the other part because I would rather sleep than see him naked. Sleep seems more appealing although it may be the citalopram im on making me tired.

Everything is about him. The food we eat, the music we listen to and the tv we watch. If it isn't something he likes I'm not allowed to do it. God on friday he was whining to me about how tired he was and I heard myself saying over and over again 'I dont care, I just done care'. This isn't me. I would never have said that to someone previously.

I feel I have lost my confidence. The other day we were in a clothes shop and I was looking for something to buy. He has a problem with the fact I wear a lot of cardigans (I get cold quickly ad like the way theyre easy to slip on) and he pointed to the top I was wearing (it was just a long sleeved t-shirt as I was cold and raining and he said 'what the hell is this that you're wearing'. Really made me feel great. I can't afford to buy lots of new clothes because I am paying the rent and all the bills on the house and having to shell out for all the riduculous ways he wants to spend money.

I don't know if many people will remeber me from the thread about partners with ocd but it has got worse. He keeps waking up at night and making the squealing noises for hours on end, just what I need when ive got to be up at 6.

I feel trapped in this house. We have to do everything together because I have no friends here. He even makes me go on boys nights out with his friends when I just want a quiet night in because he 'just wants to spend some time with his girlfriend'. I know its over, we're living more like friends now but I don't know how to get back home. My job is about to change so I can commute from here for the next 6-9 months or so.

Ironically he is now making a big deal of helping with the hoovering because I complained its his mess Im cleaning up.

Sorry for rambling, any advice would be appreciated.

[Mabelface]

Kick. Him. Out.. You have Kevin the Teenager living with you. He's got it good! Rent paid, food cooked, everything his way, doesn't raise a finger. What are you getting out of this? Once you've kicked him out, then you start job hunting nearer home. You can then give a month's notice on your place and go back.

[piratecat]

you said it yourself op. it's over. none of it sounds in the slightest bit nice, and you think you want a lifetime of this?

sounds like you have alot to offer, and you are doing well with your job. He's 32 and behaving like a teenager. You don't need a project!!!!

[slartybartfast]

i dont know.
i spect you are both under the stress of livinig apart.
it is hard when people move in together.
what do you want, sunshine and roses round the door?

[slartybartfast]

you woudl leave a man who has put on weight and who farts.
omg

[slartybartfast]

who has ocd?
why is he squealing?

[Venacava]

slartybartfast- half-term is it?

[newyorkdoll]

This seems to be a massive(!!!) list of good reasons to not go be with someone. How did it happen?

Maybe it would help if you gave a few reasons why the relationship started in the first place, because if you have lots of issues with someone, it's going to be helpful to be able to work out how you got together - it's the only way to avoid going down the same path again.

It doesn't sound like he's very happy or secure either. If he's had a very controlling upbringing, he's probably never developed much self control himself.

But this is your life, and it's not worth trying to get someone to change - it's really not. They have to do it themselves if they want to.

My only advice is that annoying habits need to be tackled early on, so maybe you need to look at why you're not able to be as assertive as you need to be?

Good luck xxx

[Anniegetyourgun]

Erm, there IS no relationship here, by the sound of it, just one person doing all the work while the other permits themselves to be looked after. I can't believe the OP is 22 and the "D"P 32; responsibility-wise they're like the other way round, meaning no disrespect to decently behaved 22-year-olds (or for that matter 12-year-olds).

Slartybartfast, are you the OP's so-called boyfriend?

[oxocube]

OP I read your other posts on the OCD thread and yes, I would say that his relationship has run its course and is over. Am very sorry.

[Venacava]

newyorkdoll- I was so assertive at the start. I had broken up with my previous boyfriend who turned out to be the laziest man I had ever met and was certain it wasn't going to happen with this boyfriend. It's just when I'm shattered from a weeks work on a friday it's less effort to just shove a load of washing in the machine than to have an argument to make him do it.

I'm angry because this isn't the man I fell in love with. This man was a 'do-er' who was always wanting to get the next thing done. We worked as a team and his ocd wasn't a proble, because he kept it under control to hide it from me.

[Venacava]

newyorkdoll- I was so assertive at the start. I had broken up with my previous boyfriend who turned out to be the laziest man I had ever met and was certain it wasn't going to happen with this boyfriend. It's just when I'm shattered from a weeks work on a friday it's less effort to just shove a load of washing in the machine than to have an argument to make him do it.

I'm angry because this isn't the man I fell in love with. This man was a 'do-er' who was always wanting to get the next thing done. We worked as a team and his ocd wasn't a proble, because he kept it under control to hide it from me.

[newyorkdoll]

Well if it helps, you sound like a real star!! And I mean that!!

The following might be quite wrong, but he's an idea.

You've obviously been trying to keep up the energy for two people, although it wasn't like that at the start. This might sound confusing, but there definitely is a dynamic where people like your BF are active prior to the relationship, and then let it all go.

Some people think 'a**hole', or that the person has been deceptive about who they are, but I tend to want to have a more compassionate view of people.

OCD, and other MH things are often tied into people problems which go back a long way. As frustrating as it is, it's sometimes the emotional closeness which triggers the undesireable behaviour - because the intimacy (emot. and/or phys.) can bring back bad memories from the past - feelings of not having control. Before you know it, you've got together, but they start acting like an infant. Have you met his family? What are the signs?

That really is his journey though. He may not be aware enough to see what's happened, or do anything about it.

One thing about house chores, is that sometimes its better to have a house that works more like a flat than a family home. You just do the things which are yours - your own washing etc. Have a roster. Otherwise your partner will just see the problem disappear - they stop being able to see how much effort you're making. It just gets worse as time goes on.

But at the end of the day, it sounds like his problems will persist whether it's you who's propping him up or not. If he can't see what's happening and isn't prepared to get help then you have to look after yourself, and the sooner the better.

If you want to stick together, try something like getting rollerblades, and exercising together.

If you're going to breakup, do it while it's summer. Treasure your precious life! xxx

[cookcleanerchaufferetc]

You are 22 but may as well be 42 - apologies to 42 year olds but I mean that at 22 you should be having fun and not leading a life of drudgery for the twat that is your dp. Get out now, before you have kids, whilst you can. Walk away and don't look back. You can do better.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Yes, it's over. Work on an exit plan. Don't tie yourself to someone you don't love, you have plenty of time to settle down, and once you have a mortgage/DCs it's much harder to disengage.

[Smum99]

This doesn't feel like a good relationship so I guess you should start making plans to separate. If your partner is displaying similar characteristics to a previous partner it might be worth seeing if you repeat patterns in relationships. I was similar in my 20's, choose the wrong men (& married one of them!). It took until my late 20's and a great friend of mine who convinced me how fab I was and that I shouldn't sell myself short. You sound like you're very together and ambitious, which is great, just make sure you're not settling for less than you deserve. If your partner is how he is now at 32 he's not likely to change. (take it from someone who's been there!)

[vickylou2004]

To me it seems like your sex drive has gone to pot (it can do on anti-depressants), you resent him for putting weight on and don't fancy him and he's very lazy around the house.

Firstly you need to be tough, dig your heels in and tell him that he needs to do more AND tell him that he's turning you off with his weight gain, it'll hurt but trust me it works. He may start getting off his arse and do something in the house and start losing weight. Tell him you've had enough.

Lastly, how long have you been on anti-depressants? Do you think it's time to come off? As that should help with your sex drive.