My parental family is in meltdown. It's horrible.....

[snaaiiiilmaaaaiiiilll]

Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers some years ago aged about 63. She is now 70 and still going but increasingly demented. My father has always been a difficult man, and was a terrible father, seemingly taking pleasure in bullying and threatening his 3 children. I suffered from eating problems for years, then major depression. My siblings seemingly got away lightly. Until now.
My 1st brother is married to a woman with severe mental health problems and probable personality issues. My brother has 2 children with her and doesn't get to see them. Nor do any other members of the family. He is on the brink of suicide.
My father is not looking after my mother properly and this is driving friends and family to distraction. The pair are being avoided because my father will not listen to anyone.
My other brother is being leant on by my father and my brother for support, which he is in no position to give. He cannot support himself and is a step away from homelessness.
All of us children have spent our lives struggling to find any sense of worth, and it is devastating to see the edifice crumbling in such a horrible way.
My mother used to tell me to keep well away from the family as my father behaved so badly towards me. Now she is so vulnerable I really don't know where I stand.
Sorry. I just don't really know what to think. In middle age, I am only just about turning a corner and longing to find ways to live instead of ways to die.

[balia]

Didn't want to read and run, what an awful situation. Someone with better advice will turn up soon - in the mean time, you are not responsible for the choices that any of your family have made. Do you think your mother's advice is any less valid because she is no longer (mentally) the person who gave it?

[atswimtwolengths]

I'm so sorry. What a terrible situation.

You say your mum isn't being cared for properly. You have to act on this and contact her GP. She needs to be in a nursing home where trained people can care for her. Do you live near her? Do you know of any suitable homes? You'll find others more experienced here who'll know what has to be paid if there is a family home. As far as I know if one parent is still living in the house, it doesn't have to be sold for nursing home fees.

Then there's your elder brother. It's completely unfair (obviously) that he's having to support others when he desperately needs support himself. Why is he going to be homeless? Why can't he see the children (eg via the courts)? Is this the cause of his depression?

Why is your younger brother so dependent? Does he have a family?

Do you have someone at home, a partner or children, who can help you through this? You must be at your wits' end.

[snaaiiiilmaaaaiiiilll]

I have a family of my own, who are fantastic. My brother, the father of the children, is not allowed to see them. His wife locks him into rooms and out of the house. She has no injunction. She just does it. He thinks it's all normal. He is now considering suicide as a cure for panic attacks.
My other brother does not make enough money to keep going and lives off hand-outs. He has never got as far as signing on. Such is the effect of worthlessness.
I think I need a bit of extra support at the moment, and I just don't know where to turn. Where we live, psychological help stops at CBT. It's a dreadful service.

[atswimtwolengths]

You can actually do something about your mum, though - you can get her assessed. Doesn't matter what your dad says about it - they wouldn't tell him it came from you, so you don't need to worry about that.

Also the SIL who is crazy - can't you tell social services about her?

Your brother who has no money - could you take him down to sign on?

I'm sorry, I know these are obvious answers. It must be awful to feel so impotent, but actually you can do something to help.

[snaaiiiilmaaaaiiiilll]

My mum has a very good CPN, but even she and her team are up against it with my dad who is obsessed with his SIL and not seeing his grandchildren. We have tried and tried and tried with SS and SIL, but they're not interested unless the children are being physically beaten/never fed/running around naked.

I try to help my other brother, but I can't take over his life. I can't breathe for him. I have no magic wand.

I have already lost one brother. I am mourning the loss of my mum, and I am losing another brother.

I don't live nearby. It would kill me. Really.

[boysrock]

Can you ring your mum's cpn and explain your concerns about your mum's treatment by your Father. That may turn it into a safeguarding issue. (I'm assuming this from the way your post reads - apologies if this is not the case)

I would also ask if they have carried out an independent mental capacity assessment. If you are aware of any instructions / thoughts that your mum had when she was well regarding her future care then let them know, including the advice she gave you. An IMA in place may give your dad less power. Remember that legally no-one can consent to treatment or withdraw it apart from the person involved. Next of Kin means nothing.

You may have already done this in which case my advice is useless.
As regards your brother if he is contemplating suicide then tell the CPN.

I'm sorry it sounds a terrible situation and you have your hands tied.

[MizzyFizzy]

Thank goodness you don't live nearby...a well person would find all this difficult enough, let alone you having to deal with all this directly when still trying to piece together your own life.

I have no advice OP....I have walked away from my own family as in an epiphany moment I saw my families future being very similar to yours.

Do as much as you can cope with and no more....sometimes we have to put ourselves first....we can't 'fix' the unfixable and if they don't want to be fixed, then no matter how much you do for them they will still be broken.

It doesn't seem as your family have any idea that they are broken, until they realise this for themselves then there is nothing more you can do.

You have done everything right for your family...if officialdom don't know how to deal with your father or fix your brothers with all their experience, then the likes of you and me stand no chance.

Take care, be kind to yourself. xx

[snaaiiiilmaaaaiiiilll]

I've told the CPN as much as I can, and told her about my brothers. Hopefully she will contact brother #2, who goes to memory meetings, and establish some form of support for him. It is very dark indeed. I have spent most of my adult life in some therapy or another, and these days am able to hold a light to shine in dark places. It's been a struggle.

I have been angry with my father about his behaviour. He was bullying me and sending appalling letters soon after I had been treated for breast cancer. My father can be very frightening and threatening and it takes a brave person to walk away. I am only some of the way.

I realise fully that there is nothing I can do, more than I am doing. It's a difficult legacy to come to terms with. How did you cope, MizzyFizzy?

[MizzyFizzy]

Hi snaaiiiilmaaaaiiiilll

I think it just came to me one day after lots and lots of reading about families like mine/yours that this is/was just too big for me to fix.

I had to make a choice to either just let them go and be who/what they are without any input from me or lose myself totally within their problems.

I chose to rescue myself rather than keep trying to fix them...I can't fix them, what a futile waste of my life it would be to keep trying.

I suppose lots of 'navel gazing' actually made me realise the reality of it all...then I was able to rationalise it into a sensible decision, knowing my motives were to protect myself not to hurt them.

It is hard, I found looking at my life from the outside a great help in logically thinking about it all.

Such as Uncle Fred has a problem...

I have done steps 1,2,3,4,5, and 6....Uncle Fred is no better as he won't accept help from me or anyone else or help himself...therefore I have done my best...time for Uncle Fred to take responsibility for his own life.

I dunno if this makes any sense...but it worked for me.

[snaaiiiilmaaaaiiiilll]

It makes a lot of sense. I have likened it to holding melting ice-creams for people who aren't going to come back and eat them. While your hands are full of this sticky disgusting mess you can't do anything else. It's sad to bin them while there is still hope of return.

We must take responsibility for our own lives. I have said to my brother (the unmarried one) that it's time to bugger off to South America or go and save elephants, or whatever.

Did you really count all those aaas and iis? I didn't!

[MizzyFizzy]

Nah...no counting require...I copy and pasted!


You don't have to bin them....just change your perspective a bit....be optimistic for a recovery....but expect a fail!

[snaaiiiilmaaaaiiiilll]

Yup, I think that if there are places to leave ice-creams safely melting and waiting for their owners to return, they should be used. Like parking space. It's so sad even doing that to see that nobody wants them. I cut and pasted too as I don't know how many is and es!

[MizzyFizzy]

Ahhh but people do want the melting ice creams....the ice creams just need some sprinkles to make thm whole and attractive again.

You can't add the sprinkles though.....you are covered in sticky goo...someone else needs to add the sprinkles.

[curtaincall]

just posting to say hi and keep going even though things look bleak. I identify with some of what you have said. It is sooo hard letting go and just had some good advice from a friend recently when my attempt at reaching out to family just got a sharp and dismissive rebuke from my dad. She reminded me that they are going to do whatever they want, and to try and accept that even when refusing urgent medical help. I know it's no quick fix and the ice-cream made me smile, but these are people with their own hidden needs and like you will seek help only when and if they are brought to their knees, not yours.

Probably not helpful really, but I feel for you. I think you deserve a medal for making a great family of your own.

[snaaiiiilmaaaaiiiilll]

Thanks! I hope my brother with his newly developed panic attacks takes this as a warning that life should not be as it is. People rarely become mentally ill because of something they've done. It seems to be a result of things that happen to the person, out of their control, not usually positive.

My father has been a systematic abuser, and still is, if given the opportunity of a vulnerable person to prey on. He doesn't know he does it, and cannot see the effects of it as any of his responsibility. It has taken decades of therapy and help to realise that the mess my life has been has not been of my making. It has been very very hard, when people say, Why don't you? Haven't you done? Bla bla. Most people do not understand what it is to be not allowed to breathe. Thank goodness they don't.

My father has done very well in bringing his family to its knees, so he can sit on it and save himself. Best to keep away, I think.

[curtaincall]

The hardest thing to end the belief of low self-esteem/worth. I try and stay away from those who are being critical when they haven't been in my shoes.

[snaaiiiilmaaaaiiiilll]

I was away last week at a work thing, and it was brilliant to meet lots of people who had succeeded in the eyes of their peers to have climbed the slippery poles of their profession. I talked to them about their practice and my practice and how hard it is to be pretty much at the beginning in middle age because I have been unable to make a living or make my own things because I have spent most of my life coming up for air (then trying to drown myself again). So many people have had their wings clipped by circumstance. It was lovely not to feel alone.
Yes, criticism is rubbish!

[carltonhouse]

MizzyFizzy, could I just ask - when you say "we can't 'fix' the unfixable and if they don't want to be fixed, then no matter how much you do for them they will still be broken " - that is so true. But can you say how you can come to terms with that, please? In my case it means walking away from my dsis, and that is very hard.

[MizzyFizzy]

Hi carltonhouse

Walking away was what it meant to me too.

I only know what happens in my family's parents and siblings life through the family grapevine....I am in touch a few relatives just not my immediate ones.

I'll try to explain how I got there...In my head it's as if the above relations live in another country and I only hear about them via other relatives....by putting them in another country it means I can't just go running to 'fix' them as I always have done....it means I would have to take a long arduous journey via train, plane and overland to find them.

The reality is I am no contact with them and have put myself in such a position (changed telephone numbers and burn mail unopened) that to actually get in contact with them would be just like travelling on a mammoth journey as described above, but it would an emotional journey rather than a physical one.

I don't know if this is of any help...this stuff is so individual that what works for me maybe totally impractical to someone else. x

[carltonhouse]

I assure you it is of great help. I am at a similar distance with my dsis, only I torture myself with guilt about it, and convince myself she may die at any moment.

The one thing that has helped me was someone who said: it's not your job to fix your dsis and her family; it very much is your job to look after your own dc; and you can't do both. So when I waver I think of my dc suffering and it straightens my spine (or whatever the term is).

But it's an enormous relief to hear about others in the same situation. I sympathise, snailymaily.

[MizzyFizzy]

Good grief that ^ was a bit garbled...sorry.

In essence I reconcile my no contact with the idea my family are on their holidays and out of contact for now...no big goodbyes needed, if I want to travel to see them I can....but for now chose not to.

No contact doesn't have to be a hugely dramatic gesture....it can just be a quiet fading away.

[MizzyFizzy]

x posted carltonhouse...glad my ramblings were of some use. x

[snaaiiiilmaaaaiiiilll]

It's a dreadful situation to be in. Today has been odd. Thinking and realising that my brother doesn't want to be here any more. He can be very entertaining sometimes and I will miss that. My other brother talked about him like this some years ago because his life was such a muddle. It's hard to deal with the feelings of anger/frustration/grief... and to separate from it.
It is a lonely place. Thank you for being there.

[snaaiiiilmaaaaiiiilll]

Spoke to brother #2 last night about brother#1. It's all out of my hands - hooray! Brother #1 has been to his doctor and now has to see a shrink. I rather expect he has no choice. There are clear parallels in his and my dad's current behaviour. I think brother #1 is breaking down. I think brother#2 is still bearing too much of the load. I have told him I cannot breathe for him and he needs to do something for himself. There is support in lots of ways and he needs to use it.
Anyway, so far, I am haemmoraging money setting up on my own. I think this dreadful cumbersome ship is pretty much facing in the right direction, like other people's boats, and less like a ghost ship floating aimlessly in the wrong direction. I think it would be good to somehow reconcile this awful floating and crashing around somehow, since it has been such a dominant feature of all of my parents' children