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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What to do next

21 replies

mammag70 · 31/05/2011 06:28

I have just found out that my husband as been smoking weed. He knows how much i hate it.He stopped smoking it the day we met. We recently got married and i have just found out im pregnant. What should i do?

OP posts:

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Rannaldini · 31/05/2011 06:43

Speak to him about it.
Listen to what he has to say. Don't jump down his throat
Think about it and put your point of view forward
It might be that your viewpoint and his are miles apart and both of you need to compromise a little

mammag70 · 31/05/2011 08:03

I have spoke to him and he said he will stop but all the trust as gone. He said that if i hadnt have found out he would have carried on. I have no-one to talk to and really dont know what to do. He just doesnt seem bothered whether we split or stay together.

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Rannaldini · 31/05/2011 10:45

Don't confuse issues
Don't think that one thing means another.
His smoking weed means that he likes to smoke weed.
it might be a big deal to you but he clearly doesn't see it as a big deal

keep things separate.
sometimes when you are pregnant your hormones can do things to you that make it easier to magnify situations. this might not be the case but bear it in mind.

write down all the reasons you think show that he isn't bothered if you split or stay together
wonder if there could be any other way of interpreting those things
look at them clearly
if they make complete sense and you aren't:
mind reading (ie he says he doesn't mind but I know he means blah blah blah)
or fortune telling (ie he says he's going to come home but I know he won't)

then pick a time when you are both sober and straight and ask him about the things that you have written down that make you believe that although he has just married you he doesn't seem bothered about the relationship carrying on

listen to what he says
if you don't understand what he is saying ask him to clarify his point
believe him

buzzsore · 31/05/2011 11:28

I disagree with Rannaldi. I don't think you should believe him.

He told you he'd stopped the day you met. He lied.

He told you he'd have continued to smoke (on the sly) if you hadn't found out.

It seems to me that he will do exactly what he did before, say he's stopped but carry on until you find out he hasn't, again.

I can't see any reason why this won't be a pattern that repeats. If he seems unbothered by your reaction to finding out and the possibililty of splitting, then you really have few choices. Either accept his weed-smoking and the consequences of it or call his bluff.

Rannaldini · 31/05/2011 11:42

call his bluff?
call his bluff how exactly?

GypsyMoth · 31/05/2011 11:45

who pays for this?
how much does it cost weekly?
where does he do it?

buzzsore · 01/06/2011 08:10

Assuming he wants to be married to her and isn't indifferent, the calling his bluff would be by actually moving out/kicking him out (on a temporary basis) or otherwise demonstrating how important an issue it is to her.

If he really is indifferent, then she'd be best off out of a relationship with him.
If he isn't indifferent, then it should be a wake-up call and he can prove himself. (If he is feigning indifference to get her to cling on, it's a worrying emotional manipulation).

It depends whether the weed-smoking is a deal-breaker for her, of course.

I think the chances are high that unless she puts her foot down hard about this, he'll just repeat the pattern he's already exhibited: saying he's stopped but continuing secretly, she catches him out but nothing happens except he says he'll stop, and so it goes on. Could easily become a pattern in other parts of their life together.

It's the lying that's a problem, imo, and he's already told her the only reason he's 'stopping' is because she's found out, not because he wants to stop, not because of the money it costs, not because of anything else. IME people don't stop habits they enjoy without an inner drive to do so.

mammag70 · 01/06/2011 16:13

His brothers both smoke it and he sees them every friday, his brother gets the weed. I have said that its me and our 1 year old daughter or the weed. He said if his brother tempts him again he will say no, i did say if i find out next time its the end of our marriage. Its so hard as im pregnant again and i no my hormones are all over the place. He did say that he was glad id caught him cause he as stopped but whats that saying ive to catch him again and i dont think a marriage should be based on that. It is the lying cause he knows i av been lied to all my life, thats the hardest thing to deal with. I feel a real failure at the mo and its not even my problem.

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GypsyMoth · 01/06/2011 16:18

so does his brother just give it to him? costs a bit doesnt it? cant see it being free.....you probably wont find out next time,they will be more careful to keep it from you,thats all

mammag70 · 02/06/2011 09:57

yep his brothers do just give him it. he said he only does it on a friday when he see them. We have had a long talk and he said it was a mistake but smirks when i ask him things. I did say i would rather split up now than do it in a couple of months. Do i give up on our marriage or give him 1 more chance?.

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Caro1302 · 02/06/2011 20:36

Why do you hate it so much? I can see why he's hidden it from you if you're talking about splitting up because of it. I'm not saying it's right that he's lied to you by the way, just that you can understand the motivation for lying if he knows the potential consequences.

Weed is cheap as chips so I believe the fact that his brothers give him some- also they probably just share a couple of joints rather than him being handed a packet of weed. If he does have to give up he will have to give up on his Friday night outings altogether- I speak as someone who used to smoke a lot of weed, there's no way I'd have been able to have been around it and not share it.

GypsyMoth · 02/06/2011 23:07

cheap as chips eh caro? oh,thats alright then...

shirleyshortcut · 03/06/2011 11:06

i dont think its a big deal if its done now and then, but i wouldnt want it around my small kids

Caro1302 · 03/06/2011 12:48

Ilovetiffany I didn't say it was alright, I said it was cheap in reply to your question about it costing a bit. It is cheap, certainly in comparison to alcohol.

mammag70 · 03/06/2011 13:31

I was beaten up alot by my younger brother thats the reason why i hate the stuff. Yeah he mite have been tempted but he knows how i feeel about it. He says it chills him out but the way he as been with me and my kids i dont class that as chilled out. All my life ive been lied to, he doesnt know why he did it he just keeps saying i dont know. There as got to be a reason asnt there?

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Caro1302 · 03/06/2011 14:42

I'm so sorry to hear that, that must be hard for you. To be honest it sounds like it's a bigger problem than just the weed. He could be telling the truth about not knowing because it's easy to share in a joint being passed round without really thinking about it and without any particular reason, but it sounds like he has a lot going on which he's maybe not sharing with you- perhaps something's stressing him out.

Does he want to stop? If so he'll need to break the Friday night habit- maybe do something together with you instead? If he wants to stop you're halfway there but if he doesn't then it's something you really need to agree boundaries on.

mammag70 · 04/06/2011 14:44

He doesnt want to smoke it (he as stopped) we are under alot of stress at mo with his ex but ive no family, friends or any1 to talk to an i have to cope wivout taking anything or getting tempted. I dont know whether to keep his baby or what, i dont believe in abortions but im going to be the one holding the baby. Thanx 4 all ur comments they are much appreciated (probably spelt that wrong). Its nice to hear a few points of view tho. I have never done anything like this before. I have just got to trust him and give him another chance, he knows if he does it again its over.

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mammag70 · 04/06/2011 23:33

We have split up.

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BitOfFun · 04/06/2011 23:54

That was quick. Are you going to continue the pregnancy?

mammag70 · 05/06/2011 09:01

I really dont know what to do. I need to speak to the doctor. I dont believe in abortions but he wanted the baby

OP posts:

butterflybee · 05/06/2011 18:03

How about you? Do you want to be a parent?

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