How did you introduce your child/children to a new boyfriend?

[ginnyjeans]

Just wondering best way to do it. I'm not sure it's going to be 'now'. But giving it thought.....

I read informal setting are best so the child doesn't feel pressured. And what do you introduce him as?

[gawdonbennett]

I'd never introduce new boyfriends/ girlfriends until I'd been seeing the person for at least a year. It's not necessary and causes confusion with younger kids. At least after a year you've got some idea if the relationship's got legs.

[humptydidit]

I have no experience of this, am only recently separated... but think I would agree with gawdon that I would be waiting a long, long time before introducing a new man to my kids.
How old are your children? Mine are 5 and 6 and 1 at the moment, I think if I was to introduce somebody to them now, I would be honest and call them my boyfriend... they seem to be pretty clear abotu step dad's and mums tbh, don't think it would be a problem.
Sorry can't be more helpful!

[madonnawhore]

Have a read of this thread, Ginny. Some useful insights in there.

here

[ginnyjeans]

I'm not going to rush anything. Was just wondering what the best way would be. The guy I'm seeing wanted to meet my daughter (she's 9) at the weekend and I felt it was way to soon. He sent me a text saying he'd like to meet her when all 3 of us are ready and that he hoped she would like him. I was a bit surprised as we haven't really defined our relationship and so for him to be saying that to me kind of came out of the blue. Anyway, although I don't intend to introduce any time soon, it got me thinking what would be the best way to do it, should a time arise when I wanted to so that she didn't feel stressed out. I guess, it's a pretty unnatural thing to happen anyway (it is really isn't it) rbut as you say humptydidit, they know about different family units and boyfriends and what not from other school children.

[BooBooGlass]

That would ring a big alarm bell for me (sorry for the cliche). It's up to you and you alone to decide when he can meet your daughter. Him jumping hte gun like that would be a big issue for me. How long have you been seeing him?

[gawdonbennett]

Why on earth would he want to meet your daughter when you're not even sure if you're an item yet?
I'm sorry, but a few alarm bells would be ringing if I heard that one.

[colditz]

I introduced him in my house, as "My friend X". They are used to me having friends round, so thought nothing of it. They were only 3 and 6, so had no idea that men and women do anything that 'just friends' don't do anyway.

They met him a few more times after that, as "My friend X".

Last year, Ds1 asked "Is X your boyfriend?" I told him that yes, X is my boyfriend.

job done.

[ginnyjeans]

No, it might sound weird but alarm bells not ringing for me, he's really on the level. I think he's just thinking things through in his head and thinking we may be getting serious then saying them out loud to me. He's not pushing to meet her in any way, I think he's just letting me know he's happy to meet her and that he doesn't feel stressed about it and that he'll try and make it easy for her, y'know?

And colditz, my little one noticed two wine glasses in the lounge the other day (clearly I'm not very good at hiding 'evidence'!!) and asked who had been over and I just casually said 'my friend X' and she said 'ok' - not bothered at all! I was a little stressed as she is an only child and very clingy with me since her dad and I split up. So the friend thing is good!

[ginnyjeans]

When I say he wanted to meet her at the weekend, he didn't say 'this weekend I'd like to meet her' he just casually said 'I'll be cool if I was to meet her, I think we'd get on. Do you want me to come over today?'. But I just said I thought it was too soon and he was fine. It was all very casual.

[FabbyChic]

You could invite him for dinner, all go to the cinema together, meet in town for lunch and go your seperate ways and talk about it later, there are loads of ways it could be done.

For me its not an issue as I've only one at home and he is 18.

[janetsplanet]

My BF came here for a one night stand (basically). I'd known him online for a good few years, so told my kids my friend was coming to see me and that he was male. I told my son that BF wouldnt be on the sofa the next morning so not to be shocked if he woke up and wondered where he was. BF met all my kids that night and went home the next day. we were an item from that day and im still seeing him 2 and a half years later :)

[tallulahxhunny]

ffs hes asked to meet her daughter not move in with her!! Wtf would alarm bells ring just because he wants to meet someone he has probably heard a lot about?

[humptydidit]

tallulah for some of us who have previoulsy been with abusive ex's any sign of moving too fast may be treated with caution for our safety... Not saying OP's ex was abusive, but mine was and I would be very cautious and be taking things v slow, for me meeting the kids would be a sign of a serious relationship.

[davidtennantsmistress]

it would for me if someone had asked to meet ds - mostly as i'm so ott about protecting him it's a bit extream sometimes, plus I don't like to feel forced/backed into a corner so for me it would immediately put my guard up & i'd be disinclined to introduce DS.

when it came to DP I was determined DS would only meet him as a friend, DP had been through it once before with his ex, we met DP at the beach stopped for about an hour or so no kissing/hand holding, lots of DP & DS running, playing chase and telling each other silly jokes. it was important on one hand I saw how DP& DS related to each other, however I was equally as keen that there was no big deal made of it it was all very casual etc. this went on for a good few months random meets, then was a fun day random meet with DSS. (this was a full day) everything seemed to go well so from here we started thinking about DP being in the house & staying for dinner - (again asking DS if it was ok). DP for his part, if DS wasn't happy would have carried on arriving in the house after 8.30 (DS asleep at7) and leaving by 5 in the morning on the nights he stayed over. tbh DS has never asked if DP is my boyfriend or anything the like, he sometimes says he has 2 daddies and 1 mummy and an X (XH's GF) but he's told he's got 1 mummy one daddy a X & a Y (dp).

It helped immensly that DP knew & understood where I was coming from ref DS & was in no rush to rush either I or DS. it was approx 7 months before DS saw DP here in the morning as well for breakfast (and again a month on that before he realised DP actually had slept the night). It was apparent to me tbh very early on (cliche I know) that DP would be someone who I'd want in my life, he's totally the best thing to happen to both DS & I. I'm now expecting our first DC, DS loves DP to bits (not sure if that's because he lets him climb all over him or because he tells him a silly story & generally acts like a toddler himself at times). The right chap will understand any reservations & will take things at your speed not wanting to rush you or the DC's or be an immediate part of your lives. had I of done that with DS it would have backfired as he would have been very very unsettled. besides I don't think a revolving door of 'uncles' is a good idea.

[Dee34]

Am following this thread (and other similar themed ones) with interest.....not for me, but to get a gauge on things for DS when ex eventually introduces DS to his new 'girlfriend' aka the OW.

Unfortunately, ex and OW have chosen a fantastic set-up (for themselves of course) in that OW, who is moving to the UK from the US, will be moving in with ex from the day she reaches our sunny shores. They will only have spent sporadic periods of time together since meeting last Oct when ex was in the US for work meeting. Longest period of time ex has spent with her was 2.5 weeks when she came here for a visit/holiday back in April. Before then, they had spent no more than 6 nights in a row together either here or in the US (rest of their relationship has been built on skype/emails etc). Like PP, I am very overprotective of DS, though he is a warm, sunny and friendly child. I know legally that ex can dump current OW and meet his next soulmate on his flight home (he is in the US now on work/holiday with her) and introduce DS within hours, though hoping to appeal to his moral side in terms of looking at this from DS' perspective. OW moves here in July and as DS has just started sleeping over at ex's house for a couple of nights a week, I am hoping that ex will see reason and NOT insist on DS keeping this routine up initially with OW in house. Really not sure how to manage this!!! Esp as I know that I am not wholly in control of things. Is it reasonable for me to ask ex to have the usual initial meeting in a play place one weekend and then build it up? Ex is mad keen for them to meet as it fits into his 'everything settled, lets get on with life' approach. But knowing ex, he has a tendency to 'push' DS onto other people and can easily imagine in 'forcing' DS to be a certain way whilst in OWs company (in fact, it was a close friend who raised this with me as she knows what ex is like!). This was never done in a malicious way when we were together; more like if DS was shying away from a friend at say a BBQ, ex would keep encouraging DS to go up to said friend/trying to get him interacting with friend iyswim.....??

I think ex is still in that honeymoon phase so probably not that fussed about DS' perspective...?

I would love to suggest that he cant have DS over until he has been living with this woman for at least 6 months, but I know he will start banging on about his rights and to him, he considers that he 'knows' this girl and that they have been together since Oct, albeit long distance and the glaring fact that they have never lived together, unless you count that 2.5 weeks in April?

My suggestion to him would be: that he can see DS as per usual but introduction to OW would have to be slow, so one week at a play place, another week for play in park, then lunch etc. Ex could still see DS but without OW (Please dont flame me! I know that all I can do is reason with him... ). Besides, shouldn't he be aiming to spend some time with DS alone for 1:1 time anyway?

[Dee34]

oh and DS doesn't sleep over their initially......

I am not in a new relationship yet, but would like to thing that as and when I do get into one that DS would come first. Couldn't ever imagine meeting someone, spending around a month and a half in total in their actual company and then getting them to move in and just expecting DS to get used to it....

[JaydensYummyMummy]

I just say "This is Mummy's friend". But then my son is 23mo so I doubt he understands. When he's older though, I would wait until I was sure "we were heading somewhere together" before I introduce him and I would say "Mummy's boyfriend".

Colditz, that's exactly what happened with my sis and her 6yo DD.....:)

[ginnny]

Thats how I did it too Colditz.
My dc are used to my friends coming and going and I often have friends round in the evening when they are in bed and for a long time they just assumed DP was just one of these friends.
One day ds2 said "X is your boyfriend isn't he" and after much sniggering and giggling about it that was that.