final family meal (long)

[sungirltan]

i have been estranged from my dad for 3 years (this time). i find his behaviour past and present unacceptable and i decided i just wanted an ordinary life without his drama all the time. as a child i witnessed horrific dv and experienced years of emotional abuse. my parents split wheni was 7 and eventually i lived with my dm full time. growing up with just my dm was a happy time and we are the best of friends now and live close. i have tried on and off for years to have a relationship with my dad but he always upsets me eventually and i decide i've had enough and cut contact. duirng this 3 year period i got married and had dd and graduated from my 2nd degree. he knows none of these details and afaik no one else in my family has told him.

i have had a letter from him inviting me to a family meal for his 90th birthday the saturday after next with him, my 2 half sisters (his previous marraige), their 4 grown up kids and his 3 great grandchildren plus repsective partners. we have never had a proper family get together ever before. also in the letter was the usual hysterical provocation about the past, how he cant understand why i dont speak to him and a big ramble about an alleged affair my mum had 30 years ago before i was even born. i was so angry i threw the letter accross the room. the letter also states he is suffering from leukemia. this must sound terribly cold but he is nearly 90 and death by some means is very inevitable and has been for some time so the diagnosis doesnt upset me that much. could be worse.

i am in a huge quandry about whether to go to this meal. i would like to see my family but the chances of huge scenes are very high as he loves an audience. i do feel that these issues are between he and i and mayb e its not fair on everyeone if i do go. i cant take dh as he's working (been waiting to go on a job for weeks and it leaves 2 days before the meal, cant risk pulling out as its a long contract but im ok with that), cant take dd and i could only go if i can get babysitter (quite likely as mum or a friend would have her). feel terified of going but wonder if i willregert not going? if that makes sense?

please help

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He has not apologised for anything and is unlikely to as well. Such people never apologise nor take any real responsibility for their actions. He may be old now but age is no excuse and he is still toxic. It is NOT your fault he is like this; his own parents likely made him that way.

You may also want to post on the "Stately Homes" thread too as that may also be helpful to you.

Would not attend this meal and if you have not done so already shred the letter. I would also consider counselling for your own self re your Dad if you have not already done this.

[HerHissyness]

I wouldn't go. He is not holding this lunch to build bridges, it is another glory to me fest cum pity party.

You didn't regret not having him at your wedding, nor sharing in the birth of your DD nor in your 2nd graduation, (Bloody huge congrats to you on all of that BTW!) why feel any different now?

What he thinks of you, or of your mother is of no consequence, he was (and still is) an aggressive, manipulating, controlling bully. He made your mother's life hell and yours as a result. he has other family, if they are dumb enough to put up with him, more fool them.

Repeat over and over:

He is PROOF that only the GOOD die young.

[catwalker]

If you go and it's a disaster you can at least comfort yourself with the thought that you've been generous and given it one last chance and you were right to cut him out of your life. If you don't go and at some point in the future you regret your decision it will be too late to do anything about it. I would probably go because I think that course of action promises the most peace of mind for you in years to come.

[sungirltan]

thank you so much for all the replies i am so grateful. i am in such turmoil because there were some happy times with my dad its like i dont feel entitled to my behaviour. i am so alone with all this. my oldest sister knows all the facts but chooses to take dads side anyway. dh doesnt understand though he is trying his best to be supportive. the lunch is 3 hours away and i would be driving alone which also scares me - driving rationally after an emotional experience.

[HerHissyness]

I think it's too much to ask of yourself. If you were with your H or someone all well and good, but alone to this?

There is no wrong or right answer, take time to sit with yourself and think about what your gut feeling is.

[nomedoit]

If you do go, there are techniques for dealing with people like this. I learned them with dealing with my ex. Basically, you don't engage/respond whatever they say. Let them ramble on, don't get tempted to defend yourself, that is exactly what they want. Just say a few bland things in response e.g. "Nice weather we've been having..." It does work and it stops them setting the agenda. It is very important in my experience to go accepting them exactly as they are and to have no hope at all that they will behave differently from how they have behaved in the past. People like that will never apologize, it's all about them.
Don't take this the wrong way (!) but it sounds as though he has a lot of emotional power over you but you can choose to take that back and see him for what he really is.

[sungirltan]

herhissyness - if dh were around i'd be in a huge quandry about taking him too. he has never met my dad (fell out before i had the chance to introduce him and was reluctant anyway) and doesnt deserve to have to deal with one of these scenes (last one was where my dad refused to let go of a waitresses arm and i stood up and screamed at him in a hotel restuarant) and or hear any of the rubbish he spouts about the past and my mum as dh gets on really well with dm (not that it would change that but its just awful and cringy). and finally my worst fear would be dh walking away saying something like 'dunno what the fuss is about he seems ok to me'!!

nomedoit - its true he has huge emotional power over me hence why i dont speak to him. this is his method if i wont speak to him, great big long letters of angushed outpourings.

[lalalonglegs]

Could you write back and lay down conditions of your attending and simply say that you will walk if he does not keep to them? If nothing else, going might confirm that you are right to keep your distance as much as possible.

[sungirltan]

lalalonglegs its a good idea but the letter already contains the words 'this is all a bit daft isn't it'. whereas actually i dont think being upset about everything he has done is in any way 'daft'. he thinks i am being ridiculous

[TeachMySelfBalance]

Don't go.
Already, even without making a promise to attend, you are dreading the mere thought of it. That is your gut instinct. Trust your gut.

How long do you think it would take you to recover from the contact, to detox so to speak? His letter has already poisoned your time up to the event-shredding it as Attila suggests is a process of recovery.

His strategy of playing ignorance of how his behavior could possible offend is the first and last chapters of standard operating procedures for the emotionally abusive ones. Don't fall for it. It is pure, unadulterated bullshit. It is to lay blame on you and give you guilt and shame for daring to respect your own feelings. You are estranged for a reason. Respect the reason and respect yourself.

I know it is hard facing the passing of a parent, both of mine are gone(dm-EA, dd-denial). But the relief, I will dare to say, may very well eclipse any "what if's" or "if I had only that one last time" guilt trips.

Good luck. You have nothing to be ashamed of if you choose to give it a pass.