...do I love him?

[newfashionedmum]

I was unloading onto an old friend and her DP this weekend about my relationship difficulties. Without spending ages going into all the details, myself and my DP were great friends for years before getting together but as a romantic relationship it just doesn't seem to work, despite counselling and lots of hard work on both sides. We have a young DD who was just his (he was widowed when she was a baby) but who now sees me as her mum and has done for the last few years (she's 5). I would be desperately unhappy if we split up because (I think) I would miss him and because of what it would do to her.

I think he loves me and wants us to be together but I feel unhappy and distant much of the time, because of our incompatibility (I need more companionship, tenderness, mellowness and romance than he is able to give). My friends DP said 'on a scale of 0-100 how much do you love him?' and I was completely stumped. Just didn't know how to answer. I care about him of course but I don't know if I 'love' him at all. How can I not know?!!

I yearn for the kind of love I've had before, and to be in a relationship with more fit between us. I often think about the future and imagine leaving in 3 or 4 years time, when its easier for DD to cope with. But it seems crazy to spend that long in limbo - neither working at this relationship or making space for a new one. If I really love him maybe I can focus on that and get through this rough patch. But there's a blank space where knowing how I feel should be. How do I know whether I really love him?

[FabbyChic]

If you have to think about it, if you can see a future without him in it, then surely that would tell you that you don't love him the way in which you should love him.

If you loved him you would move heaven and earth to make it work, you wouldn't ever think about being without him it wouldn't even factor in your thoughts.

Not everybody is totally compatible and somethings do need some movement on, but there was something there once, has it totally gone, or were you just good friends that drifted to more and really you have been left wanting.

[FabbyChic]

If you have to think about it, if you can see a future without him in it, then surely that would tell you that you don't love him the way in which you should love him.

If you loved him you would move heaven and earth to make it work, you wouldn't ever think about being without him it wouldn't even factor in your thoughts.

Not everybody is totally compatible and somethings do need some movement on, but there was something there once, has it totally gone, or were you just good friends that drifted to more and really you have been left wanting.

[newfashionedmum]

Fabby I thought we 'drifted' in a good way - it felt really right and obvious when we got together. But it was never really fireworks (a few tingles maybe!). It was difficult because he was still maybe grieving a bit, and DD was very young so there wasn't much 'us' time for bonding. When we get time alone together and there's no pressure to be grown up it gets much closer to being really good.

[FabbyChic]

Maybe what you need more quality time together, how would it feel if you partned? Would you miss him?

[newfashionedmum]

If we parted i would miss him but would feel free to find someone who wanted to spend more time with me - which he doesn't really want to much - he spends a lot of time 'shut away' on his own or computer gaming - or having weekend lie ins asleep.

[FetchTheMaid]

Maybe another way to look at it would be to consider how bothered he would be if you left. If he's happy to spend time away from you, gaming etc then I would reckon that he's not giving you the priority you deserve.
You shouldn't stay out of duty or love for his DD - and if you do leave it may be possible to still have contact with her - so she knows it's not her you left and that you still love her