sister-in-laws only include us when it suits.

[joyousthings]

It's been the same for years. They only include us when it involves money or looking good in front of other relatives. After years of trying to ignore it and making a big effort with presents and phone calls, even though it has never made any difference to what they give our children in an effort not to feel excluded, we have now finally gavin up as the children are older and have started noticing themselves. DP parents are the same (ie nan and gramdad)buying special things for the others and we would find out because it would come out in conversations.

Just really upset because once again they are doing it in a big way. Including us now it suits them. We have tried to say go ahead without us but are being made to look bad (an aunt and uncle have made comments). They know nothing of our circumstances, never been interested (ie when you mention something it's like they never remembered you telling them before) and why should we have to explain our situation when they only tell us what suits. There are lots of things over the years that we have suddenly found out in conversations months or years later. It is embarrassing and upsetting.

Thank you for your time just needed to offload because this time we are really struggling and they have things planned which are putting us under long-term pressure.

[coansha]

What nasty buggers, I think you need to either let it go or tell them to stuff. Sometime its hard to find the real root of the problem and I think you could through the: What have I done / said? and all the many other scenarios, even jealousy, but in truth they sound like stuck up bitches, if your kids have noticed its pretty plain then how badly they behave.
You either approach them and tell them exactly how you feel (not holding much hope for this) or just forget them(my choice) you sound a much better person than they will ever be and why try to conform to their standards?? you dont need the hassle or pressure so do your family a favour and move on from it.
Here you go, listen to my mantra""I release you from your unworthy, nasty sister in-laws, you are TOO GOOD FOR THEM!"
Personally I would take great delight in telling them for you, they've knocked your confidence a little I suspect but once the poisons gone you'll bounce back.

[Doha]

Once the children start to notice it is time to take action. If you dont want to go don't go. You don't have to expalin your reasons because they already know. It has been noticed.
Put your head up shoulders back and just say NO. You can do this and will probably feel the better for doing so.

[nomedoit]

To be honest, I don't really understand your point OP. I don't always invite everyone in the family to everything - if I did I would be cooking all year. What is it that they have invited you that you don't want to be invited to? Just decline the invitation. You seem to have a lot of resentments against these people but without more details it's hard to advise you.

[joyousthings]

nomedoit it's not a case of not being invited we are just told what is happening and what our part is in it. We tried to get involved in the planning and so participate with interest, but as usual our ideas and offers of help were ignored and as usual somewhere along the way we are once again told what has been decided for us to do and how much to write a cheque for. The latest is a very big anniversary get-together. The final straw is that the sister-in-laws have decided that we are all staying overnight at grandparents even though two live a lot lot closer than we do (fair enough people want to stay until the end) but the bedrooms have been decided without any discussion with us and we have been allocated the smallest room downstairs (no not the loo!) while everyone else is upstairs with the children sharing together except ours even though they could have sleeping bags and join in and one of ours is closer in age to one of the others sharing and therefore could be included in the mid-night chats and fun - it all too much to explain and there is lots more like this. It's not an invite we can decline easily as we shouldn't even be invited it's DPs family for heavens sake. Yes resentment has built up over this kind of treatment even though I have made lots of excuses for their behavioiur and tried to ignore it and tried to accept it as nothing intentional but I'm fed up of it now. Especially now the children have questioned things of late.

coansha and Doha thank you for understanding even though I haven't explained it all fully.

[Doha]

Think you really have 2 options here

1. Call them on it, If you stay quiet, silently fuming resentment will continue to build and come to a head at some stage. Your DC's will realise they are being excluded and as you say they have already noticing already.This will do nothing for their self esteem or their relationship with DP's family in the future.
   
   
2. Decline the invitation, explain that you were not consulted in any of the organisation and are expected to pay up and shut up. The arangements don't suit and you will not be attending.
   
   The fall out may be massive but at least your SIL and DP in law will know you are going to stand up for your family and are not prepared to be walked over any more.
   
   They have more "face" to loose in front of other relatives than you do.
   
   Good luck x

[FabbyChic]

I think when you go along with things for years it becomes the norm you just do as you are told.

Now is the time to speak up rather than let the resentment fester.

If you do not speak up then how is anybody supposed to know you are unhappy?

Stop being doormats and stand up for yourselves.

If you dont then you will suffer for years and always get pissed off about it, why make yourself that unhappy?

[rey]

I agree with fabbychic but if they are anything like mine they will not change it's like they don't hear or remember.