Setting boundaries

[livinginazoo]

Does anyone have any recommendations for any references on boundary setting, or any advice on good ways to do this?

[FabbyChic]

Boundaries with regards to what? Sorry I might be being dense here.

[livinginazoo]

With regards to people with whom you have any sort of relationship with, e.g. partner, parents, in-laws, friends, work colleagues. Everything I have read has talked about setting boundaries with people you are in contact with, but I am just confused as how this is done practically. I guess it is the midway between letting people walk all over you, and no contact. For example, if your MIL likes to call and chat at 7 am and you feel this is intrusive, are there right and wrong ways to set down a boundary with her so that she understands, and are there any guides to healthy ways to do this. (This is just an example from the top of my head not a MIL thread!).

[WriterofDreams]

It totally depends on the relationship, zoo. I think your question is a bit too general to get a meaningful response. In general terms I think you should be aware of what you are willing to accept from people and then firmly but kindly inform them if they repeatedly do things that you can't accept. It's important to be flexible and take other people's personalities and feelings into account but at the same time you should never accept repeated behaviour that makes you frightened, uncomfortable or angry.

Do you have any specific real life examples to talk about?

BTW with the MIL example I think it would be fine to just say "please don't call before such and such a time." I had to do that with my mum who got into a habit of texting me after 9 even though she knows I go to bed at 9 as my baby is a terrible sleeper.

[FabbyChic]

I think generally in any relationship your boundaries are set as you go along, if someone does something that doesn't suit you you say something as would they.

[keynesian]

You decide what is agreeable and acceptable to you and then you communicate that.

[livinginazoo]

Writer, I see what you mean by my question being too general. I suppose I am just beginning to realise that the way I was brought up didn't allow for me to set boundaries so it is something I never learnt to do in a natural way.

Whereas most children and parent relationships are at least ideally such that you have a dynamic where parents set boundaries with children and vice versa, so you learn through practice and their example with other people.

I feel as though I need to learn how to stop people walking over me and to learn to tell them such without resorting to becoming uncomfortable and angry/upset, and as you said taking other people's feelings into account. I guess learning to say no comfortably to 'authority' figures (such as ILs, parents etc) too.

I suppose a real life example, my partner has been diagnosed with severe depression and as such some (many) of his depressive behaviours I would find wholly unacceptable in a 'normal' person, but I am taking into account his illness, his willingness to try and recover through medication and therapy, and find that it is therefore difficult to set boundaries.

Another example is that my ILs when they are in contact are very prone to setting guilt trips and I need to learn to say no (in a nice way?) e.g. my MIL bursting into tears infront of my (very confused) children because something doesn't go entirely her way (like the ash cloud last year preventing her taking her second trip to see us in a fortnight, so laying a guilt trip on us because she was frustrated).

Another example, my mother telling me she would no longer dial my phone number because I am always busy and then complaining that we never talk. Or her complaining that I am too secretive with my life and need to share every sordid detail.

These are examples of situations I find hard to deal with therefore was thinking I need to learn to set boundaries when they arise. Does that make more sense?

[livinginazoo]

keynesian, I suppose it is how you communicate this is my weakness. I suppose I am always too worried about hurting people's feelings.

[SingOut]

I think the trouble people with weak boundaries have (and I count myself among them) is that they don't know their boundaries have been overstepped until after it has happened and they start to feel unhappy or uncomfortable. It takes a lot of thought and self esteem to create good boundaries if you have a problem in this area. Generally, though, a good rule of thumb is to work on your self worth and self esteem. If you look at people with high self esteem they don't have to agonize over each and every specific boundary and personal relationship they have. What is and isn't acceptable to them just comes through in how they are and how they behave, and rarely do they have to spell things out.

Often, this is why a particular kind of fuckwit abusive bloke preys on women who are emotionally vulnerable in some way. They sense a weakness and set out to exploit in in some way that will benefit themselves. Most of these men know that strident, self-accepting secure woman wouldn't put up with any of their bullshit for more than 2 seconds, so they don't even bother with them and instead go for those with a chink in their armour, however slight.

Rather than exhausting yourself trying to work out how to respond to every situation that comes your way, do have a think about what is generally acceptable to you, but most of all learn to value yourself. Then only the most dim-witted tools will transgress your implicit boundaries.

[SingOut]

X-posts, OP :) By the way, I've been reading this and finding it helpful: link here

[Bennifer]

If you don't like something, just say, simple as that.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Try doing some reading around assertiveness. Take a course if one is available. It won't tell you what is a reasonable boundary, but it will give some useful techniques for enforcing what you find reasonable whilst duly acknowledging other's feelings. Here's one I found quite useful.

In the end, you are not responsible for another person's feelings. You should certainly treat them with courtesy and consideration, but if you've done that and they still go off on one, that is their problem. I mean, if you've asked after someone only to find they've just died, and the person you asked starts to cry, obviously you apologise for causing them distress, but you don't need to feel guilty because you didn't mean to. Just make a mental note not to mention the deceased again unless they bring it up themselves. And if your MIL is really devastated because she couldn't get to see her GCs, commiserate, acknowledge her frustration, but know in your heart that you cannot possibly be blamed in all fairness. You didn't cause the ash cloud!

You could also, with a little practice, become master of the neutral put-down. "That is your choice" to mother refusing to ring you, "you are entitled to your opinion" when she thinks you should tell her about personal matters, "thank you for your suggestion, I will think about it" for unsolicited childcare advice and so on. Be polite, don't get into an argument, and be prepared to repeat the phrase with slight variations until they get tired and give up.

[Anniegetyourgun]

others' feelings, I mean

[livinginazoo]

Thank you so much for your words and recommendations for books Annie and Sing that was exactly what I was after. Singout you hit the nail on the head, I need to work on my self-esteem and that I more often than not don't realise that my boundaries have been overstepped until after this has happened and all I am left with is confused and frustrated feelings.

Bennifer, to quote Homer Simpson "d'oh". I know that I should just tell people outright, but putting common sense into practice can be hard especially if you are not used to doing this and there is a lot of crap going on in the background. If everyone on the relationship board were that sorted out emotionally and had relationships with people who were nice and sensible too, there would be no posts here!

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

I spent a long time wondering why i didnt tell people what i thought when it happened ,instead i made another link of chain to the ones i already wore ,all this baggage of unsorted business when people were unfeeling towards me .
I read somewhere that healthy self esteem just meant "Rolling with it " saying what you felt at the time in an assertive non aggressive way and not dwelling on it ,analysing it afterwards .In other words say whats right for you then move on to the next thing in your life ,let it go.
A good book for me was co dependent no more by melody beattie .

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

Its learning a "Healthy Selfish" others have to get used to you believing in yourself and someone somewhere made you think your opinion didnt matter ,well it does !If not you end up telling someone something that is untrue when you have a conversation,
eg a boss asks you ,Is this extra work ok with you youre not getting paid ....anawer YES {this is a lie so you bitch about the boss but the boss thinks youre ok with it cos you said yes.]
OR
Speak up and say if he cant pay you can you have a long weekend or a half day Friday or you do a deal ,

Dont know if any of that makes sense ,I just think of it as putting myself first now,because im worth it .People do get a bit of a shock ,but actually you are manipulated less and people respect you more.I find as long as you are calm and polite you can actually negotiate most things as they happen then let them go x

[freeandhappy]

you could look up DESC which is an assertiveness training tool. i am working hard on my boundaries which ive realised are very weak and uneven. i used to always find myself with lots of other peoples children to mind/pick up/feed due to never being able to say "no". now i say "let me think about it and i'll get back to you", which gives me the space and time to think if i really want to do it, rather than being an abject people pleaser and pissing myself off!

[livinginazoo]

Thank you so much, Patience and Freeandhappy. This makes so much sense to me. It has always frustrated me when I have observed friends/family who are able to set their boundaries so naturally and easily and how much happier and more in control of their lives they are, and I have now bought a few of the books you have all recommended and will look at DESC. Time to practice and learn.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Best of luck to you OP!

[daddycool1989]

Check out this blog post on setting boundaries. Really useful analogy: paddington.blog/2019/11/07/every-child-is-a-river/