Father Unknown (Long)

[DorisDoesntDance]

Have moved this over from AIBU.

Been on MN for the last six months and just plucked up the courage to ask this as it's weighing on my conscience massively and I truly don't know what to do for the best.

I have a baby and I don't know who his father is. There are two possible men: one who I know, but who has a long term girlfriend; and the other is a random, very drunken one-night-stand, so drunken that I don't even remember his name or much else that would help find him.

My baby is now several months old and I have never told Man 1 that he might be his or found Man 2. Man 1 was in communication when I was pregnant asking about due dates etc, but not heard a peep since baby was born. A little part of me thinks he might be worried he's the father but is not doing anything about it, as I haven't brought it up (and it would cause huge problems for him).

My initial plan (such as it is!) was not to tell Man 1 there was a chance it was his baby, unless he asked and not to find Man 2 (not sure I'd even know where to start tbh).

But, as time is wearing on and as I think about how my baby deserves to know who his father is, and that I am potentially depriving a father of a good relationship with his child... I'm wondering if I've made the right decision and am being reasonable.

So, please help me! I think I am being unreasonable to a certain extent, but I don't know how to fix it without hurting lots of people. As far as I'm concerned the most important person in all of this is my baby, so I need to make sure that whatever I decide is in their best interest.

[FabbyChic]

It's a myth that a child needs his father, however there will be questions to answer when he gets older.

Maybe for your own peace of mind it would be a good idea to try to find out who the father is, but in order to do that you are going to need DNA tests, they are not free an can cost £300.

[DorisDoesntDance]

thanks. yes, just saw the NHS page on tests... so expensive. Might have a look at blood tests insteads to start with.

No idea how to start the conversation with Man 1 though. None.

[millie30]

Hi, if Man 1 has spoken to you about dates, it's likely he suspects that he could be the father. You need to think hard about what you would want from him before broaching the subject with him. Do you want financial support? Do you want him to share care? It doesn't sound like he is interested in finding out for himself since he hasn't been in touch, so I think you need to decide for certain what you want before you open a can of worms.

[DorisDoesntDance]

I agree Millie, I think Man 1 does think he might be the father, which is why he's disappeared from my life since he found out when the baby was due. I have seen one of his friends who asked me about the Dad, but I just said the father wasn't involved. At the time, it felt a little like I was being probed, but so many people are very curious to know who the father is, and I'm so nervous of anyone finding out that I just let it drop.

If it is him, I really don't know what I want from him. I do know that I don't want to raise my baby in two households if I can avoid it; which I suppose leads to two options:

Ask for financial support and limited contact
Try and work out if we might ever give our relationship (brief as it was) a go.

[wineisfine]

Well, I think (it might've changed since), that if you name Man1 to the CSA as the father he then has to prove (via a blood test), that he isn't. Perhaps this might encourage to share the costs of a test without recourse to the CSA.

He should be supporting his child financially at the very least - he took the risk you might conceive when he slept with you and it doesn't say anything good about him that he's scarpered having worked out he might be the father. But he does owe your DC money - I think it's 15% of after-tax income. Or you could come to a private arrangement. Your DS deserves that, surely? Maybe Man1 doesn't want to know, but his parents might?

If you speak to him quietly and privately, you could get tests done without involving anyone else (if he shares or bears the cost).

One day your DC will ask. It would be good to know for sure, because then you can prepare an answer.

[deepheat]

Agree with FabbyChic that a child does not need its father. That said, having a good father should be a wonderful thing for any child, whatever the context and is the ideal situation (assuming the father is prepared to fulfill his responsibility).

But I guess that is the gamble for you. Perfect world is, I suppose, that the father is identified, offers financial support and plays a full and active role in the childs upbringing whilst respecting your wishes as the mother, the full time parent and the person who has brought his child this far.

How likely that is, you don't really know at the moment (but you may well have an idea). I do think that unless the potential father has made it completely clear that they aren't interested then they have a right to know about their child. It sounds like one of the 'possibles' has kept his distance, but it could be something he thinks about every day? I also think that if nothing else, you and your child have a right to some financial assistance. Finally, I think your baby has a right to at least know the identity of its father at some point.

I'd say that even doing nothing is taking just as big a step as trying to make contact or id the father. Whatever happens will have big consequences for yours and DC's life. Don't think anyone here can really tell you what you should do, but just wish you all the best and hope those consequences are great ones for you all.

[DorisDoesntDance]

thanks Wine and Deepheat

It's a big gamble. Trying to work out what to say is scaring the bejesus out of me. How exactly do you phone up someone you haven't spoken to in a year and say, "you know that baby I have, well he might be yours..." ?

[deepheat]

Bearing in mind that there's no easy way of saying it, you may as well just go with that!

[deepheat]

Sorry. Possibly slightly flippant .

[DorisDoesntDance]

glad it's all turned out good in the end Reality!

I am terrifically guilty, all the time. woke up this morning and it was my first thought.

deepheat - bugger! no other tactful ways of saying it? [just kidding myself emoticon]

[frazzle26]

I think you should say something quietly to Man 1. It doesn't have to involve his gf initially because if your child doesn't turn out to be his then nothing more will ever have to be said about it. I know it would mean that your son would still never know who his dad is but at least you would have tried your best to find out.