Relationship with best friend, attitude to sex?

[confuseddotcodotuk]

Me and my best mate have very recently decided to tell one another how we've felt about each other for a long while (). The timing is awful but I'm really glad to have it in the open and we've decided to tenatively see if we can make a go of it.

However, we're both kinda weirded out by the idea of having sex! He's been my best friend for 6 years, I've felt more for him since I got to know him back then and told him so when we were in our late teens but obviously it didn't go anywhere then.

Now it has we've had a good few chats but we can't get over the idea that sex with your best friend is odd! It's not a step we are even considering taking for a while yet as getting our head aruond the idea that there is more is anough for now, but how am I supposed to start thinking about it differently? Every time the thought pops into my head I think "But it's X!" because it's the attitude I've developed towards it over the years! Not only that, but he's never been the same 'type' of guy I've dated in the past looks wise (it's sounds awful I know! He has very prominent, very 'manly' facial features and I've always been attracted to men with softer and feminine features) so that's not helping me get my head around the idea!

You may be able to tell that I'm very excited about this but very nervous, I've had a permenant blush on my face because of him, I feel like a frigging teenager again

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

If you are freaked out by the idea of having sex with each other, then maybe you really are each other's best friends rather than potential partners. A true friendship is just as valuable as a romantic-sexual relationship and you don't have to have sex with each other if neither of you wants to do so. Basically just enjoy yourselves and don't worry about rushing anything, or aobut what other people might think.

[confuseddotcodotuk]

Maybe, I don't know though, I'm going with the flow as I've been waiting for this for a long time! I think it's mainly because I've spent the whole time telling myself it's wrong, he's just a friend and doesn't return the feelings, etc. He's been saying the same thing to himself as well apparently! But he's a cheeky bastard because he's already managed to work out one of the things that gets me every bloody time

Our friendship comes first though, we've both agreed to that as it's more important to us then destroying everything for what may turn out to be nothing in the end. We're not telling anybody until we've got over this first bit of 'reaquainting' ourselves, if that makes sense? Just going nice and very very slow, do what we usually do with just a bit more affection

[QuintessentialPains]

Friend or not, if you are in love with, or attracted to somebody you lust after them. If you dont, then it is friendship, afaik.

Maybe you need to look harder at what you actually feel for him? Because if you cant bring yourself to think about sex, and you dont want to put sex on the agenda, yet, it is hardly romantic love.

[merrywidow]

I finally had sex with my best man friend in the whole world after 24 years. I had always thought I would love to be with him.

I too felt like a teenager, was a bit weird to begin with. many months later and its the best intimate relationship EVER

best of luck

[BertieBotts]

Have you kissed him yet? Sex is a big jump, especially if you've forced yourself to keep him in the "friend zone" for years. Just take things really slowly and see how they develop.

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

Do you fancy him?

[confuseddotcodotuk]

merrywidow: that makes me feel a bit more normal, thanks :) I have no idea where it's going if it's meant to be I know it'll be so I'm not too worried. Just trying to get my mind out of the mindset of him being my best friend, not allowed to do that... I'm glad it's turned out well for you!

I was kind of expecting I'd have to wait that long before telling him (again!) I was at least expecting it'd be a bit longer anyway, was originally planning on trying to seduce him at my sisters wedding in October She's marrying her best friend so has told me I can't ask for advice from her as it'd be a bit skewed!

[Dozer]

October?! That's ages away, surely you can work out if you fancy him before that? If it takes that long then perhaps you don't fancy him.

Have you kissed him? If the kissing feels good, the other stuff may follow in due course!

tbh whatever happens now there is a risk that the friendship changes or is lost anyway, 'cos feelings are involved.

[JessicaDrew]

sex is sex enjoy
only thing that will change is if you enter a relationship with someone else at a later date , your friendship will suffer

[confuseddotcodotuk]

Bertie: Yes, that was a big enough hurdle to jump! It felt good :) As embarrassing as it is to admit, it was like having my first kiss all over again

Chickens: I do, but definately in a different way to how I felt about other guys. I've always thought X was handsome in his own way, different to other guys, with lovely eyes He hasnt got what would be seen as a great body by girls, but I think it is, not weedy, not overly muscley, just a perfect proportion, hidden muscle and a little bit of chunkiness

Dozer: It wasn't about working out if I fancied him, it was about giving me time to have a break from relationships (I've recently left one in which we just didn't want to admit that we'd fallen out of love a long time ago) and having time to settle down back home as I've been moving around for the past three/four years whilst also giving him time to get settled into uni which he starts in September. I wanted to put some feelers out and see if I could work out how he felt before I made an arse out of myself again by telling him that I felt more than a friend really should. Rightly or wrongly I kind of figured that if I waited until the wedding then I could say I was caught up in the moment and romance, etc if he turned me down again, which I was sure he would!

[JeremyVile]

Sorry, but I think if your feelings really were romantic (gosh how twee that sounds) then you would be able to imagine having sex, you'd look at him - and he you - and want to kiss, touch, be intimate etc.

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

DH was a friend before we got together, and I could definitely imagine us at it. I thought he was sex on a stick. Could barely look at him without blushing like a school girl. Be sure you're not trying to force something, because it would be so sad to lose your friend.

[confuseddotcodotuk]

Chickens: I'll keep that in mind :) I've sort of thought about it, but always stopped myself because of what I said earlier up. He's coming round soon so I'm going to head off and sort out my room so it's relatively presentable!

Thanks for the food for thought :)

[geordieminx]

Just get wasted the first time. not kidding!

[deepheat]

I love this thread . Personally, I think that the apprehension about sex (and the very excessive use of smiley pictures!) just sounds like that slightly nervous excitement you get at the beginning of a relationship. And I think its quite sweet really. Generally, when things actually matter we can get a little funny about them. Like you say, no rush, just take your time and enjoy whatever happens whenever it does happen.

[furryfury]

I was in the same boat as you 6 years ago. It is weird, I can understand what you mean. Copious amounts of alcohol got us through the initial weirdness, but then it was back to being strange again the next time we saw each other. Eventually we laughed about how stupid we were being, but it still took a couple of bottles of wine to pluck up the courage again. Been married to him for nearly 5 years now.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Agree with Jezza.

[merrywidow]

I didn't used to think about the sex, only how I felt about my now DP.

Being with him now, all the others I have slept with pale into insignificance ( including my H who passed away as he was very selfish in bed and screwed about amongst other things ).

Being with DP has been like starting out a virgin all over again

[JessicaDrew]

you both need to know is just good friends and fuck buddies you both want and nothing more. maybe put a rule in that if either of you feels greater feelings than that ie want a relationship they must speak up soon as!!!!!!

[confuseddotcodotuk]

Jessica: We're not going for the fuck buddies thing! Genuinely want more than friends, more than a normal relationship even :)

My attitude towards sex is that it's just sex at the end of the day, but sex with emotional ties has always been difficult for me. I don't want just sex with him, it doesn't seem right to do things like that. With my last boyfriend we kinda done the sex thing and just fell into the relationship afterwards, but I never want X to be just a fuck buddy, I've had them before and it just isn't worth it with X. I want more than that.

I used to get excited whenever he came round but that paled in comparison to how I'm feeling now haha I've even done my hair properly, he's going to think I'm ill or something

Furryfury: I think it sounds like a good idea

[Anniegetyourgun]

Don't overdo the relaxing wine though; wouldn't it be a shame if you fell asleep and nothing happened? Or worse, one or both of you threw up!

[BertieBotts]

I think really don't worry about sex yet. I was really apprehensive about sex with my boyfriend, turned out he was too, in the end we put a total ban on it and just agreed to enjoy each tiny step and stage until we really couldn't resist going one step further. The first night we got together we just literally kissed all night, it was wonderful, almost something I'd felt I'd missed out on, having tended to go for sex first, relationship second in the past as well.

When we did have sex it was really nice to have spent that time just exploring each other's bodies in a non-sexual way (as in avoiding specific sexual areas) - it was still pretty hot just touching each other's back, neck, arms, legs, etc and slowly adding "allowed" areas like say nipples or touching allowed over underwear etc etc until we were having sex and almost didn't even notice the transition (although of course had to stop the first time since we deliberately had no condoms). We both now know lots of random things that we never would have thought of which turn each other on and we go back to basics occasionally and start with just the touching and it leads to really nice, close sex.

[confuseddotcodotuk]

annie: that would be a nightmare! It'd take one glass to get me to fall asleep admittedly

Bertie: thank you for the advice, I think that might be a good idea, I'd like to find out what turns him on without him even realising

And I will just say, after tonight I'm not so worried anymore! Lets just say that he already knows what buttons to push! We had a lovely evening tonight, lots of cuddling and kissing and tentative touching, I've never had that with a guy before and it was nice :) Just have to wait until Weds to see him again now :)

And I apologise for the overabundance of the annoying smileys in my posts, I don't know what came over me! Thank you everyone, I'm feeling much more confident about this now!

[Niceguy2]

Sounds to me like you fancy the pants of him and worrying too much because of the friendship thing.

At the end of the day, anyone can shag but the person you spend you life with should be your best friend. You've nailed the last bit already!

To be blunt, the chances are that he's secretly been in love with you for years. Just go for it and don't look back!