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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Problem with his kids!!

54 replies

ferret41 · 27/04/2011 12:58

I am a regular but have namechanged for this out of sheer paranoia!!!
I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. He is amazing, kind and loving and I'm very very happy with him. .
We both have 2 dc each and he had his for a week in the Easter holidays which we all spent together. The problem is that his kids are awful. They are rude, badly behaved, whiny and aggressive. He is so soft with them and can't say no to anything because he only has them for limited periods of time and wants them to enjoy their time with him, which I understand, but they have used this to their advantage, as kids do and they manipulate him by playing him off against their Mum.
Now my kids aren't angels at all, but they have rules and boundaries and know what they can and can't get away with. I'm not over strict but I like them to have good manners and set limits to their behaviour. They know that if they ask for something and I say "No" then that is that, also they know that I won't put up with them hitting each other and swearing is absolutely not allowed. Apart from that I am quite easy going I think.
The root of the problem is that him and his ex wife absolutely hate each other and she uses the dc as a weapon to hurt him as much as she can whereas I get on quite well with my exH and we try to show a united front to the dc. So when mine play up I can tell him (or at least threaten to) and we both deal with it together. As soon as he tries to discipline his they threaten to tell their Mum.
He wants me to take the same 2 weeks off as him in the summer and spend the time together again, but I can't do it. I can handle every other weekend with them, but I can't spend 2 whole weeks with them and I can't put my dc through it either.
So where does that leave us in the future? Its ok now because we don't live together, but there will come a time when we will want move in together and I will have to put up with this all the time and I can't!

OP posts:

SingOut · 27/04/2011 13:09

I'm sorry I can't be more help but I'm watching this with interest as I'm in a similar situation.

SoupDragon · 27/04/2011 13:30

How would you feel if he told you he didn't want to spend more than every other weekend with your children?

FabbyChic · 27/04/2011 13:39

You need to sit down and tell him you cannot deal with the fact that his children have no boundaries, that they can just act the way they want without repercussions.

You should sit the children down and tell them what you expect of them when they are with you.

hairylights · 27/04/2011 13:43

you sound delightful OP . You chose him, he came with a package that includes these kids, and his poor relationship with their monther, whether they abide by your rules or not.

You need to sit down with him and work out together, the rules for when they are with you both together, as you are a family unit which includes his children when they are with you.

Diggs · 27/04/2011 14:43

Youve only been seeing each other eight months , why not just have a relationship with each other and leave the kids out of it ?

Original poster

ferret41 · 27/04/2011 14:54

Thanks for replying.
I know it sounds bad, I know he comes as a package, so do I. I totally respect that. I really don't need people telling me how horrible I sound - I just wanted some advice on how to handle the situation.
I don't see how I can start laying down the law about what I expect after just 8 months, who am I to tell him how to bring his kids up anyway? I certainly wouldn't let anyone tell me how to bring mine up. I feel like anything I say will come across as criticising and saying "my way or the highway" which is not what i'm about (honest!)
Its not just a bit of naughtiness though, I could handle that. I'm talking about spitting, swearing, hitting each other, talking to adults like they are dirt. He can't control them, he doesn't want to upset them and they know it. They control him because they can.
Diggs - it would be ideal to leave the kids out of it but I don't think he wants that. He wants the whole thing, which is lovely because i love him and want us to stay together, but I can't cope with a repeat of last week.

OP posts:

hairylights · 27/04/2011 14:58

Well it's pretty much a deal breaker then. He wants the whole package , you don't. He has a ore existing commitment to his children. Sounds
Like you have no future tbh.

Diggs · 27/04/2011 15:02

It matters what you want as well Feret . If you continue to put up with it youll end up seething ( and losing respect for him ) , far better to just leave the kids out of it . As you say parents dont take kindly to being told how naughty their kids are , and hes unlikeley to change his aproach to parenting overnight , its probably always going to be an issue so youll need to find a way to handle it .

Id avoid spending time with all the kids . I have a freind whos kids are really hard work and i just dont see her with the kids . Im not saying NEVER , i occasionally do , but id rather see her alone and keep the freindship than fall out over it .

Original poster

ferret41 · 27/04/2011 15:06

Hairy - I do want the whole package.

This is just an obstacle, not the end of us I hope!
I want to reach a compromise without hurting anyone.
We have talked about it a bit - he knows they behave badly, but he just shrugs and rolls his eyes as if all kids are like this but they are not and he shouldn't have to put up with it.
I hate seeing him treated with such disrespect, he deserves so much more. He is a wonderful father and has given up so much for them and put up with so much crap just to see them.
I'm sure a lot of it comes from the ex wife, she does her best to belittle him at every opportunity, so no wonder they have no respect for him.

OP posts:

hairylights · 27/04/2011 15:15

Well... Your posts say no you dont. You don't want his I'll mannered and very naughty children. That is the package on offer as he, by your own admission, can't discipline them or supervise them to your standards.

And if you are going to be with a man previosly married with children you need to adopt a different attitude to the mother of his children.

How do you know she belittles him? Have you witnessed it?

Sorry but you don't sound ready to be in a step_parent situation to these children.

I speak as a step parent.

madonnawhore · 27/04/2011 15:20

I sympathise with you OP, it sounds rubbish. But if you don't want to/can't talk to him about this then you only have two other options: suck it up and don't say anything, or end the relationship.

If he wants to begin 'merging' yours and his families then IMO you have a right to say you want to establish boundaries and state your expectations with regards to his children's behaviour when they're with you and your children.

HorseWhisperer · 27/04/2011 15:55

What madonnawhore said. And I too really feel for you.

If there are fundamental differences in the way the two of you approach parental discipline then the road ahead will be a difficult and bumpy one for all six of you, and, in imho, it will all end in tears.

holyShmoley · 27/04/2011 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ferret41 · 27/04/2011 16:12

Hairy - For some reason you seem to have made your mind up about me without knowing many facts. Fwiw I am ready to be a step parent, otherwise I wouldn't have got involved with a man with dc. Why do I need to adopt a different attitude to his ex? I am usually the first person to stick up for the mother in these situations, but in this case I know for a fact (my sister knows her and her family) that she is a nasty spiteful woman but she is their mother and I will never ever say anything about her to them. Maybe her mean nature is part of the reason the dc are so aggressive? I don't know.
Thanks to everyone who has been supportive, it would appear that my only option is to suck it up as I don't want to lose the best thing thats ever happened to me over this. Its obviously my problem and I need to get over it.

OP posts:

Suchffun · 27/04/2011 16:19

I feel for you and can't see how this can work well tbh unless you talk to him about it. Did this all take place in your home or his? Surely at your home, your house rules apply to all children regardless of who their parent is.

And how old are the DC? I'm thinking its easier to cope with the nearer to adulthood they are...

Original poster

ferret41 · 27/04/2011 16:30

We were at his house. I have had them to my house and although they were a bit loud and boisterous they weren't too bad. Maybe they were worse because they were 'at home' and it was for a whole week, rather than just Saturday to Sunday like normal. Also now they aren't on their best behaviour anymore as they are getting to know me.
They are 5 and 9 and mine are 6 and 10. All boys!! It will always be chaos when they are all together, and I love that - I'm used to boys and their ways, that's why I thought this would be easier.
On the other hand, when they want to be they can be very sweet and in fairness to them they get on really well with my dc. It usually all goes to pot when he tries to say no to something or when a fight breaks out between them it goes way out of control.

OP posts:

hairylights · 27/04/2011 16:34

Hi ferret as you've come on a nessage board for advice, I've read what details you've supplied and responded accordingly.

I sympathise with your predicament - I'm sure it's really hard - but you seem to be in a lose lose situation here. don't sound ready to be a step parent to these particular children , with this particular man. If he does
the eye rolling thing when you try to discuss things it honestly sounds
like a disaster waiting to happen.

Where children are involved (as im sure you know) you need to be able to talk constructively, pull in the same direction, and resolve issues.

This doesn't sound like a situation where that is possible.

catsmother · 27/04/2011 16:37

Ferret - please tread very carefully. IME, "sucking it up" either drives you mad, or turns you into a doormat - or both. Plus, if there continues to be 2 sets of rules (or no rules as the case may be) for 2 sets of children when they are all together, you could end up with problems with your own kids as they will understandably feel resentful if they see the others getting away with atrocious behaviour no-one would think acceptable.

Quite obviously, you know that if you are ALL going to spend any length of time together, then you and DP need to present a united front re: behaviour. If he won't buy into this, and agree "family rules" (boundaries, expectations, punishment, reward etc) then I just don't see how this could work unless you throw all your principles out of the window .... which'd be pretty stupid. I personally don't think this is something you have to "get over" in the sense that you have a problem of some sort - it's all about agreement between you and DP, and consistency, and about thrashing out what you're BOTH prepared to accept or not. You might find you have to compromise - but so should he. If he won't do this - for whatever reason (and if it is the ex wife using the kids as pawns you have all my sympathy) then I'd cut my losses and get out of there, however lovely he seems in all other respects. Don't underestimate how soul destroying, frustrating and divisive it can be when a so-called Disney dad insists on treating HIS kids more favourably than yours and making every excuse under the sun for revolting behaviour. You'd end up resenting him - and them - and losing all your respect for him in the end.

ENormaSnob · 27/04/2011 16:38

I doubt this will have a happy ending tbh.

Original poster

ferret41 · 27/04/2011 16:49

Well I appreciate your comments Hairy - you have assumed certain things I think but I can't blame you. I should have put more facts in the OP but I didn't want to put one of those HUGE posts that nobody can be arsed to read to the end of
I can't see the situation changing all the time him and his ex wife can't communicate as this is the root of the problem and I know for a fact that she won't back him up to them - she will be thrilled that he is unable to control them. She is like that you see, very mean minded. I could tell you more on here but she might be a mumsnetter and read this and recognise herself
The good outweighs the bad here, in every other way he is perfect for me so I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet.

As long as my dc don't start copying them - if that happens I might have to seriously reconsider.

OP posts:

Original poster

ferret41 · 27/04/2011 16:52

Catsmother - that is what he is, a Disney dad, and I'm just a normal day to day drudge Mummy.
Not a good combination eh?

OP posts:

LadyBoys · 27/04/2011 16:53

It sounds like a crappy situation for OP. I have no experience of step-parenting but my first though would be some sort of compromise for the summer. Eg, tell him you have plans for one week but would love to spend the other all together then maybe book a holiday for all ofyou so you are somewhere 'neutral' and set boundaries for the DCs together before you go.

I do think that you will need to have a conversation about his DC's behaviour when the relationship gets more serious as you can't feel like this when you're living together or the situation will be unbearable. However, I understand you wanting to avoid it at the moment as it's scary ground trying to give others parenting advice.

FWIW, I don't think you sound like a terrible step-parent or person in the slightest, quite the opposite in fact since you're obviously willing to try to form a strong bond with his children.

And apologies for my nn, it's not my usual one, just a joke for another thread,

glasscompletelybroken · 27/04/2011 17:16

I don't think it's right for people to say you're not ready for step-parenting because you won't tolerate your partners DC's really bad behaviour. If you didn't want to make it work then you wouldn't be asking for advice.

I think you should sit down with your DP and just establish a FEW basic rules that will apply to all the children. tell hin that 2 weeks of 4 boys that age and no rules is going to drive both of you round the bend. Just focus on a few issues that are the most important to you - you can't change everything and it would be wrong to try at this stage, but you have a right to be treated with respect.

It won't help the children in the long run to have no boundaries so it's for everyones benefit that you make some rules.

You may get more help if you post this on the step-parenting forum too.

Original poster

ferret41 · 27/04/2011 17:26

Thanks LadyBoys. I have some major deadlines coming up at work in the summer so using the one week rather than two excuse would be possible and going away would definitely suit me!

I'm wary of discussing boundaries and mentioning words like 'step parent' or 'family' to him at the moment all seems a bit premature. I think we both know we are headed in that direction but I want to enjoy the newness of it all and not push things along too fast.

OP posts:

tb · 27/04/2011 17:59

Ferret, you said "I hate seeing him treated with such disrespect, he deserves so much more. He is a wonderful father and has given up so much for them and put up with so much crap just to see them."

Why don't you just say that to him when you're on your own together? You don't need to mention anything about rules. If you commiserate with him, and his position, he may be far more likely to tell you how he feels, and how the situation has arisen.

That might give you a clue as to the best way to put boundaries in place going forward.

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