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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sick and fed up of this

58 replies

Bearslikehoneyintheirtummy · 26/04/2011 22:54

Please can I have a rant......

I am tired of being moaned at day and night by my husband ad this evening as usual he is in a 'I'm not speaking to you mood and I'm not telling you why'
So I prompt for more answers and in the end he says he is sick of the place being such a mess. This morning he got up in a fowl mood went into the kitchen and started tutting,sighing and giving me the silent treatment.
I have one 2 year old and am nearly 4 months pregnant and end up on the sofa most nights because of these moods or his snoring (not sure which is worse!) I dont usually say anything and just take it on the chin, although inside I feel almost guilty for not doing whatever it is he is moaning about.
I spend most of the day shopping for food,cleaning and tidying up and I would say our place is pretty clean. I try my best and it seems all I do is that.
I feel on edge so much of the time, I can't relax properly or sit down. I never go out and my only company here is my 2 year old. I guess I feel isolated as my family live a long way from us.
I know I am pregnant but this has been going on from long before so its not just my hormones or a temporary thing. I get the blame for everything that goes wrong or is not to his liking and Often I just feel like I am a pain in the butt to him. There is not really any love and affection anymore. He never does anything for special days and its always up to me to initiate any celebration. He has taken our daughter out about twice this year and he never has time to do stuff as a family. I never have a break from my daughter as he is always busy so it is always up to me to take her out.
How much can a woman take or how much should a woman take in when it comes to marriage. I have often contemplated the situation but have no idea how I would cope otherwise financially and without support.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 26/04/2011 22:58

If your marriage has been bad for a while I am surprised you allowed another pregnancy to happen.

You struggle now yet you are five months off of having another child and it is not going to get any easier, but is going to get harder.

Sit down with your partner and redefine your relationship and how what you both expect of each other. Try to work together as opposed to pulling in opposite directions.

GypsyMoth · 26/04/2011 22:59

oh thats awful!!

are you in the uk?

angrymomma · 26/04/2011 23:00

OK for starters, if he is the one snoring, he should be the one sleeping on the sofa. You are pregnant FGS. Make him sleep on the sofa.

Original poster
Bearslikehoneyintheirtummy · 26/04/2011 23:12

Fabby I meant to say about that. It wasnt actually planned but for reasons it happened. I think the problem is also that it goes fine for a while the we go back to square one.
I am in the UK Tiff

OP posts:
hairylights · 26/04/2011 23:24

What does he do in the way of cleaning and housework?

humptydidit · 26/04/2011 23:32

oh bears it isn't you and you shouldn't have to live like this. I'm not being funny but is that all of it or is there more? If it's just that he's a bit thoughtless then that's one thing but is there more? You sound like me 6 months ago Sad

MilkandWine · 26/04/2011 23:35

Hi Bears

Well firstly a preganant woman should not be sleeping on the sofa because her husband snores! That is utterly disgraceful and your husband should be hanging his head in shame.

Your husband sounds like an emotional bully to me. He gives you the silent treatment because he knows it will prompt you to ask what is wrong and then he can moan at you.

As Fabbychic says you really need to sit down and talk about this with your husband in as non confrontational a manner as you can. As she rightly points out this situation if it isin't dealt with is just going to get worse. Shortly you will be a woman with 2 children to deal with whose husband gives her no support.

You say you don't say anything about his moods/snoring ansd 'take it on the chin'. Can I ask why you think you have no right to complain? Just because he is the breadwinner it does not give him the right to mistreat you and make you the whipping boy for his bad moods. You say you feel guilty, well of course you do, he is making you feel guilty and inadequate through his behaviour. You need to remember that this mans opinion does not define you, you are none of the things he says you are. Have faith in yourself, I'm sure you are an excellent mother and a good wife.

Do you have any friends you can speak with? You sound very isolated whuch seems to be a reoccuring theme on here with women who have bullying husbands. No coincidence as men like that thrive on seeing the women they are with all alone and with no confidence in themselves.

Do you rely on him completely financially? If things are so bad it could well be worth quietly seeking some legal advice as to where you stand if you were to split up. Knowledge is power and at the moment you sound very lost and confused.

humptydidit · 26/04/2011 23:37

I'm going to take the plunge and be the first one to tell you to serioulsy think about how you want your life to be... Your life shouldn't be like this, marriage and parenthood is supposed to be a partnership, not a one way street. If you can't see him changeing then you maybe should consider your options. You could manage financially if you had to, don't worry about that, first of all I think you need to serioulsy think about your future and if you want him to be in it.

maundymoney · 26/04/2011 23:41

I read, years ago, that the silent treatment is the least recognised but the most severest form of mental abuse. It's on a par with being very badly battered physically.

humptydidit · 26/04/2011 23:42

milkandwine I agree, but didn't want to call it abuse if it's not... but that's what it sounds like to me. bears if it is emotional abuse, I'm sorry but you can't change him, you need to think about you and your little ones. www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx is a website giving you a guide to the amount of benefits you would be entitled to claim to give you an idea of money. If you could find some help for a deposit you could rent your own place and get away from him. Life on benefits ain't easy but it's doable! Smile

RoyalFucker · 26/04/2011 23:42

You are living with an emotional abuser

Have you recognised that ?

I am very sorry

Please take some advice in RL and gather some support/knowledge

Ring Women's Aid and talk o them about how you are being treated by someone who is supposed to love and respect you here

MilkandWine · 26/04/2011 23:50

Maundymoney-I couldn't agree more, my XP used to say horrific things to me that I took years to get recover from. He also used to drag me around and throw me on floor. I can honestly say that of the 2 the emotinal abuse had the more lasting impact.

Bears-Just because your husband is not hitting you do not believe that you aren't being abused. His behaviour is utterly unacceptable. I would definately echo the suggestion of others that you ring Womans Aid for advice. Do not let your life be governed and controlled forever by this mans moods. You really are worth so so much more
xxx

popalot · 27/04/2011 00:13

Ditto

Sounds like you are unhappy with him and this is probably the end of the road for you two. If you are unhappy it will eventually reflect on your children.

Sorry, but sounds like you just need confirmation of this.

assess your finances and start to ensure you can be financially independent of him and go from there (you can be, there is a lot of help out there, you just need to be secret squirrel and plan it properly for your own well-being.

maundymoney · 27/04/2011 00:23

Bears - have just been having a weep because of the memories that have resurfaced!

So sorry that you are feeling so bad; I don't have any constructive advice - will leave it to the excellent Mumsnetters. Had so much help myself!

Truly hope that everything will work out well for you and your family! x

Original poster
Bearslikehoneyintheirtummy · 27/04/2011 08:10

Oh no I just wrote a long reply and lost it!! Will try again in a bit. x

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 27/04/2011 08:12

To answer your points on money and support. Your husband has to financially support you and your child and baby to come. In terms of support, he isn't giving you any now and you do everything for your daughter as well as run around after him. Think about it. Sad

Original poster
Bearslikehoneyintheirtummy · 27/04/2011 08:37

Thankyou for your replies.
Maundy you say it brings back memories, what did you do in the end in that situation and how did it resolve?
I don't mind me doing everything around the house (he doesnt actually do anything really!) because he goes out to work and for me thats a fair deal. But its when he starts picking at everything which upsets me. He will pick at anything from how I put our daughters nappy on to why there is a crumb in the butter and sometimes he just goes all silent on me for a simple thing like this. If my daughter picks up something she shouldnt - its my fault, if she does anything he doesnt like - its my fault.
Unfortunately I do rely on him pretty much totally for financial support and I guess that is what keeps me going because I don't have the independance anymore to just up and leave.
He doesnt like going to see my parents or family (who have been really good to him and accommodating to him) because he can't be bothered to make the effort,he is the same with his own family.
I dont want to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I guess I have always tried to make it work thinking it would get better and that everyone struggles in a marriage but it is slowly grinding me down and like you say it will be worse with two children.

Maybe I need confirmation too of what a marriage should be like,how much you should give and take and where I can draw the line. I used to be so independant and now my whole life revolves around him and DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bearslikehoneyintheirtummy · 27/04/2011 08:59

Just to add that Valentines day, Easter and our anniversary all passed without so much as a card which to some people doesnt mean anything but to me celebrations are important especially when you have children. He upset me last christmas because he didnt want a tree or any celebrations and had left getting me anything to when we went out shopping on christmas eve asking me if I wanted anything - he ended up going into boots while I stood outside and getting me a gift set! To me it just says a 'can't be bothered' or I'm not worth the effort.

I am not perfect. I have my faults and there are always two sides to a story but I can honestly say mums that I have tried my upmost to make this marriage work. I am quite a quiet person and so don't like arguing ect (which we actually don't do,its just silent ones) but I guess makes it more difficult for me to be assertive.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/04/2011 09:15

Bears,

I think his behaviour towards you is emotionally abusive. He also acts like this also because he can. This is all about power and control.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What do you think you are both teaching your child about relationships here?. After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. Would you want your children to have a relationship subsequently like yours is now?. He will continue to remain morose and will happily continue to drag you down with him as he is doing now.

Original poster
Bearslikehoneyintheirtummy · 27/04/2011 09:36

TBH I don't know. I have a roof over my head and I guess some kind of security. I have my LO who is just lovely who brings me lots of happiness but other than that not much else in my life. Its so hard to come to terms properly with what is happening - whether he means to do it or not. I am not sure I have the strength to take a good look and see what I want and need and make it my goal to do something about it. I wouldnt know where to start. I also don't know if I am thinking maybe the 'grass would be greener' and I often think I might as well make the most of what I have because it could be a lot worse. Its confusing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bearslikehoneyintheirtummy · 27/04/2011 09:38

Have any of you been there and what exactly did you do to start off making changes? Are you happier now or do you sometimes wish you had stayed and worked things through?

OP posts:
holyShmoley · 27/04/2011 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoyalFucker · 27/04/2011 09:51

I have my faults and there are always two sides to a story but I can honestly say mums that I have tried my upmost to make this marriage work.

I absolutely believe you. That you have tried and tried.

The problem is that you lose yourself by appeasing an abusive man. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. You could be Superwoman in the house, Supernanny with the kids and Superslut in the bedroom and it still wouldn't be good enough.

Walking on eggshells and living in fear of provoking criticism, or worse, triggering a silent episode must be hell. Is this what you want your children to grow up thinking is normal ?

Have a read here

For practical advise, maybe you could pos on the Lone Parents thread. I am sure thy would suggest that you first and foremost start telling people in RL about his treatmen of you. I expect you have cobvered for him, and have presented a front of the happy little family. That has to stop. Then you start looking into the financial aspects by taling to the CAB and seeing a solicitor. Womens aid can guide you with that.

Knowledge is power.

RoyalFucker · 27/04/2011 09:53

You can only "work things through" if he accepts that he is emotionally abusing you, takes ownership of that, and changes his own behaviour

Any chance of that ? Would he accept counselling ?

You cannot do it by yourself. That isn't working and never will. His approach is too successful in keeping you in your place for him to just stop it.

Original poster
Bearslikehoneyintheirtummy · 27/04/2011 10:11

Holy and Royal if I suggested counceling he would just laugh at me and think I was being ridiculous, but since having written this thread I have even considered going for a bit without telling him for myself.
The thing is he will be like this and then he will suddenly be all nice for a little bit and then goes back to square one. So that leaves me feeling like I am over reacting. Its not like he ever comes to me and says he didn't man it or he is sorry though - its as if I am just supposed to pretend it never happened!. I will have a look on the LP thread thanks Royal and maybe see if that helps.

OP posts: