STILL not over him....and I have tried so hard

[oncemorewithfeeling]

I have no contact with exP. He's married, I'm married. My H is really nice but the relationship lacks spark. In part cos we have a 15 month old and are knackered, in part because the bedroom was never our strong suit. But I have this awful feeling I have made a major mistake. I am still in love with my ex. Or maybe with who I thought he was?? Oh god I dont know...I miss him (or maybe I just miss my responsibility free, fitter, slimmer, younger self???)

When he left me, it was brutal. I couldn't handle being friends after, so we aren't. Its all a long time ago (5 years plus). I didnt rebound into my current relationship (or so I thought) took my time, a few dates but am not one for casual sex (not disapproval, just get scared) so my H is first sexual partner after ex. Its not as good, but I have explained that to myself in various ways. But now am thinking its because we were soulmates and since he left I havent been able to really fall for someone else. I cant really let that guard down, or maybe its because of something else, my H has little sexual interest in me (I think).

Why am I still hung up on a man I havent seen in years? And where I know my current relationship is healthier/less co-dependent? I'm horrified that maybe I have made a huge HUGE mistake and we have a child together.

I thought I really had moved on. Got back up, made a new life for myself, and now have I just made a major mess???

Any thoughts at all?

[reddaisy]

Why did you and your ex split up?

[oncemorewithfeeling]

He met someone else. Well that was the catalyst, we were long distance for a long time and finally it fell apart. We couldnt bring our lives togther. Constantly in different cities/countries. I knew I wanted children somewhere along the line, so when he turned 30 and still was unsure about all that he said it freaked him out. Ironically he now has two, both older than mine, and a wife (not the woman who caused our break up). He got married a few years before i did
I dont understand how he managed to walk away so unscathed and Im still haunted by the everything years later

[reddaisy]

Sorry for the delay in replying. Oh dear. To be blunt, it sounds like you weren't the one for him. If you had wanted to be together, then you would have made it happen, distance or no distance.

If he didn't want to have children with you then it doesn't sound like he was that serious about you, especially as he has gone on to have children before you.

It sounds like you need to try and let go somehow, you have romanticised the relationship in your head and you could jeopardise your marriage if you don't shake this feeling off. Your DH sounds nice and having a young child can exhaust even the closest of relationships.

Could you start trying to ignite a spark by making time for sex and going out for the evening every once in a while just the two of you?

DP and I are closer and happier when we are having regular sex but we have to work at it and often I would rather fall asleep after a tiring day but it is what makes you a couple rather than just friends imo.

Perhaps he is your "the one who got away" but that doesn't mean he was the one for you, in fact if he was you would still be together.

HTH.

[oncemorewithfeeling]

Thanks, I think you are right about ex. And I think I wouldnt feel this way if H and I had some kind of sex life. I have tried, but its an uphill struggle. Its been lean pickings for almost 2 years now. He went totally off me when I was pregnant. He didnt like the idea of a baby in there, after trying to coax him for a while I gave up. After the birth I wasnt really interested for a couple of months. And now, its just difficult, I feel self conscious (I have a big tummy now) and he doesnt really reassure. Its never really been easy. I do think sex is what really binds a couple in a way thats different to friendship. But after all this rejection I find it difficult to get into that zone with him. He says he's fine with things as they are. I dont really understand, I am climbing the walls sometimes with frustration.

Into this vacuum increasingly step thoughts of lovely easy sex life with ex. In the final years we had all the hotness of distance with the intimacy of having been together a long time. Plus rose tinted specs!

[reddaisy]

I had a long distance relationship too and the sex was always good and I always made an effort for him because we were only seeing each other at weekends but it isn't real life.

It is common for men to go off women in pregnancy (but not nice) and obviously sex after a baby takes a backseat.

If you feel self-conscious, could you try going running or something to help you feel more confident? I am pregnant with DC2 at the moment and currently feel like a lump and can't wait to feel more like myself.

I can't tell from your last post whether he still isn't interested in sex with you or whether you shy away from it. Has his libido always been low? It could be that he isn't that interested in sex and if so you have to decide how important it is to you.

[oncemorewithfeeling]

I dont really know which way round it is either. Often I am too tired to care anymore. But if I think about the future I know I cant face a sexless marriage. It makes me feel really sad that that is what I have.

[reddaisy]

Have you tried talking to him about it?

[DioneTheDiabolist]

It sounds like you are not in love with your Ex, but you miss the things you felt at the time you were with him. It also sounds as though you are not in love with your husband. And never have been.

You say that your H was not a rebound relationship. Maybe not, but you were not properly over your Ex when you got with him. He offered you everything you craved from your Ex, but no spark.

Whatever, the question is what do you really want Oncemorewithfeeling?

[oncemorewithfeeling]

Yes. Before we got married there was a dry spell. So I did an Ann Summers run, and a few months later got a book about handling different sex drives. We even went to see a couples counsellor for a few sessions. At that point I realised I'd had some hang ups because of how hurt I was after previous relationship. Things got better, we married, I got pregnant. And now...I have brought it up, even tried to have regular sex nights. Went ok at first. But then theres tiredness, and its so difficult to get going, I just want to smack him sometimes. He says hes fine with things when I ask him how he copes.

I know its a cliche after a baby, but sometimes I see myself in shop windows etc and I cant believe its me. I look so dumpy and dowdy and worn. Its hard to feel sexy like this. We dont have much money so I feel I cant spend it on me. He actually looks better than he did when we got married. Hes lost some weight and is still working out, which is something Id gotten him into. I am trying to lose a bit of weight etc, but often I find food is the only real pleasure I get all day.

Im too embarrassed to tell anyone. I feel like I a messing everything up as all I do is long for the feeling of being desired that my ex gave me. Part of me wants to remake contact with him just so I can take the rose tinted glasses off and start focusing on the present, the other part of me worries that thats just a booty call and seeing/talking to my ex will just open up the most humungous can of worms

[reddaisy]

Ok. So, it sounds like it is more about feeling desired than longing for your ex. You shouldn't contact him, he hasn't tracked you down so let's face it, he isn't exactly out there pining for you. How do you know he is married with children now btw? Do you have mutual friends?

You need to value yourself and feel confident in yourself. Make time for yourself. I know exactly how you feel about food but I this time last year I took up running and within a couple of weeks, I missed it if I didn't go out and grab a 20min jog around the block as it was the only exercise/head space I got as a busy, working mum. (It has all gone to pot as I stopped over the winter and I'm now nearly 5 months pregnant and I feel the same as you about myself again!)
I think you should find some exercise you like and do it. I eat better when there is no crap in the house and when I meal plan so there is plenty of healthy snacks etc. Try and rediscover the old you. Get some early nights so you have more energy for yourself and for sex.

And talk to him again about making more of an effort with sex. It takes two. Explain again how important it is to you.

It sounds like your confidence has taken a knock.

[oncemorewithfeeling]

I know you are right. This is about me here and now. Its just hard to focus on that. It feels like any progress is glacial. I am still at home. I cant run/do anything high impact as had spd probs during pregnancy and Im still waiting for my joints to get better. Have finally booked in with a physio tho so am hoping to get myself exercise ready soon.
Know about ex from his family, they persisted in treating me as the injured 'wife' for a long time. Was awkward

[reddaisy]

How about swiming? Or even regular walks? Although I don't know much about SPD though so I could be getting it totally wrong. Do you think you are in love with your husband?

[oncemorewithfeeling]

Sorry missed your post Dione, I have thought about it a lot. Initially I was worried that my H was a rebound relationship. Over time worked out he wasnt. It was just a more grown up relationship, not as stormy as with ex. Overall I think thats a good thing. Believe me I spent a fair amount of time working this through.
Do I love him? Sometimes I dont know. Othertimes he says and does things and I feel a rush of love for him. At the moment I am angry and resentful cos he's not pulling his weight at home so that doesnt help. But generally I think we are well matched and make a good pair (by which I mean our personalities and interests). In bed its been a bit ho hum. I think I was prickly initially due to ex p issues, then ill for a spell, then we cracked it but now its all gone difficult again. But with a baby I just wish we had a bit more of a sexual hinterland. You know more honey moon phase stuff to fall back on and remember. I saw this bit of romantic graffiti the other day that spelled out in steps as you walk along 'lets just run off/bunk off work/go to the beach/eat ice cream/hold hands/watch the sunset' etc and it made me really sad that when I see that I think of ex, not H. Does that mean I dont love him? Or just that Im older now? I dont know...

He has really wound back and really just does his work, the gym and dvds/playstation these days. So all the impetus for everything else has tp come from me and I find it really wearing. Makes me fall out of love with him when I have to chivy him along with everything (things to do at the weekend, around the house). So Im starting to mother him whcih I hate. Ive been made redundant so I do all the house stuff now. I just hate it.

Its just we are both spacy head people which is nice but in the current situation I wish he was a bit more practical and more of a body person. because I end up having to do all of that. Im sorry I am just relly angry resentful and upset and dont really know what I feel

[DioneTheDiabolist]

OK, all is not lost here. It is a question of priorities. Is your most important priority what's going on in the bedroom or what he does around the house?

Tell him how much it bothers you to have to nag him to do what he should. Nagging is no fun, being nagged is no fun. Take it from there and see what you guys can work out.

After that do dance, do sex therapy, do talking therapy, do stuff that makes you both feel good. Together. You have a pretty good base, build on it and don't be afraid to ask for help in the areas where you need it.

It would be a shame to throw what you have away on a dream about an Ex. Wouldn't it?