How to handle competitive friends

[Piggyleroux]

Someone tell me how please

A friend I made last year from nct class. We get on really well but I can't stand the comments such as 'oh, your ds can say bird, but my dd is walking'.

Its every time we get together. It's driving me nuts and I know it's only going to get worse when they start pre school etc and there's more for her to compare.

I don't want to end the friendship, but I find myself making excuses not to meet up....

What do I do?

[cryhavoc]

Just laugh. There's nothing else you can do, because it's going to go on forever.

Or, make up wild and ridiculous stories about amazing things your child can do. Using a knife and fork to cut steak, picking up a newspaper and reading, that sort of thing, said very matter of factly as if, surely, ALL toddlers do it.

I have a similar friend but I don't engage. My DD is part fish - she got her 25m swimming badge before she turned three, and this outrages a friend of mine. (It's not a big thing - she can just do it.) She is constantly pointing out things her (much older) child can do that DD can't. I just smile and nod.

[BikeRunSki]

I knew this would be about an NCT group!

Mine are similar. Just ignore it, you are bigger than that! Easier said than done I know. Or ignore her. Or grin and bear it and ignore it in your head. She is probably very insecure if she keeps having to say this stuff, looking for validation.

Has anyone gone back to work yet? The real differences showed in my group then. Only 2 of us went back p/t (including me), everyone else went back full time. I now have distinctly less income (enough, but only really enough) and don't go on their week ends away, but then I do get all sorts of backhanded comments about how lucky I am to spend so much time with DS....

Then there is the competitive undereating...

You can't win, but you can't lose.

[Journey]

Tell her to stop comparing your DS with her DD as it's getting a bit tedious and it makes her sound like an insecure Mum.

[valiumbandwitch]

Say quite cheerfully and without the tiniest edge at all "no she's not walking yet and your daughter is walking I know that's great, would you like a biscuit with your cup of tea?"

Because it can go on for years if your child is 'behind'. my five year old is in nappies at night (just at night) and i'm often asked if i'm going to take him out of the nappies soon. I have to say "no I don't want a wet bed"

[valiumbandwitch]

Bikerunski, you're so right.

When you first have a baby you feel so close to these random group of 15 odd women. Then roll forward 8 years and you're in touch with ONE of them (or is that just me )

[vintageteacups]

You should say something like "yep - but it's relative. They all develop at different rates."

I can't stand people like that and so discreetly 'cull' them from my friends list. My theory is that I want to spend time with people who are similar to me and if there's someone who is unkind/selfish etc, I don't want to waste time creating a friendship that's one sided.

If she's lovely in all other ways and you can't imagine ending the friendship, then tell her it's kind of annoying/upsetting when she compares her baby to yours all the time. If she's a true friend, I think she'll apologise and change her ways. If she's all talk and doesn't really give a toss about you, then she'll be off with you and the relationship will fizzle out.

[BikeRunSki]

It's funny, new mum/antenatal groups. You are thrown in with a whole bunch of people you probably have nothing in common with except you have children the same age. Then you are on maternity leave for a few months or a year, and actually, having a new baby is the most important thing in your life, and it's great knowing all these other people with new babies, who you can meet up with, text at 3am when you are feeding, talk about your troubles etc...

Then the babies grow up a bit and the mums get a grip on their lives a bit, might go back to work, and having a new baby/1 yo/2yo is not the most the thing that dominates your life anymore, and you don't really need this group of people anymore. Fair enough, you are likely to have made some close, individual friendships, but it's highly unlikely that you really want to be friends with all of them.

[valiumbandwitch]

yupp.. i think I'm doing well to be friends with one 8 years later. I honestly think that's not bad!

[blackeyedsusan]

ah but i love him/her whatever her achievements. we really want him/her to be happy/ kind/ caring etc.

[lazarusb]

Don't engage! I have a friend who constantly goes on about my dcs height! They are a little bit shorter than her dcs. It really pisses me off annoys me ..she mentions it regularly. As if we could do anything about it anyway. I have to grin and bear and not mention how much more academically adept my children are. Hope all those strikethroughs worked - I haven't done them before!

[lazarusb]

Yay!!! [busmile]

[lucky24]

I would just reply with a standard frase every time she says something competitive like
"I know they all develope a different pace"
or
"I'm sure they will both be walking/talking/eating solids/toilet trained by the time there 5 so there is no need to worry"

Then start a new conversation, she may be a little insecure about these things and not realise its bothering you but if you repeat the same frase each time she may get the point or start to belive it and stop worrying herself

[FriedEggyAndSlippery]

My friend can be a little smug sometimes, but it's bearable. Her DP made me snigger the other day though.

Our 3yo DD's entered a little Easter craft competition and because hardly anyone entered the school did the usual thing of giving all entrants a prize.

He got sooo excited because his DD ended up with the prize for the 5+ age group (which had no entrants) - he clearly thought the school viewed his DD as some kind of genius :o

They then spent the rest of the session trying to coax her to play with the prize while she just looked at it like this

:o

[Itchywoolyjumper]

Maybe she's just mega proud of her LO. I get pants wettingly excited about tiny little DS's achievements and I know that I've found myself chuntering on about him for ages. It has no bearing on the fact that I think the other children in our group are amazing too, its just that he's my wee guy.
Could she be mentioning your DS's development because she knows she's been talking her own LO up a bit too much and is trying to redress the balance but its just coming out all wrong?

[purplepidjin]

Not quite the same, but i used to have a (male) housemate who'd make snidey comments. I just used to reply "yes, dear" when he started it. "O RLY" might also be a suitable polite response... Especially if you hold a picture of the owl in your head while saying it

[ohmyfucksy]

I just don't bother with people like this. They're usually pretty boring with no achievements of their own, which is why they constantly feel the need to wank on about pointless stuff.

[exoticfruits]

I agree with earlier posters

1. don't engage
   
2. have a standard phrase that you trot out
   

e.g.
they are all different
they all do things in their own time
I'm sure they will all even out by 5yrs
I'm just enjoying the stage she is at

or similar and then change the subject.

Be consistent-always use the same phrase and she will get the message.