So when you have a narc Mother how do you accept the lack of concern about you?

[DrNortherner]

Have been doing so well at distancing myself emotionally. Got phone calls down to every other day instead of every day and kind of switch off when she talks and talks about herself and never asks about me, dh, ds or any aspect of our lives.

Anyway, today is 2 years since my beloved Dad died. I was so close to him and miss him so much. I called her to see how she was, and how her day had been. 26 mins of her talking about how hard her day had been, telling me who had remembered and sent her cards, and who hadn't remembered and how unsupportive they are.

No once did she ask me about how I have felt today So I never told her that I got lovely cards and roses from dh and ds, I never told her my best friend gave me some beautiful tulips, that MIL sent me a card and that my SIL called to see how I was. She doesn't know I had to turn Adele off the radio on the way to work as I was trying hard to remain positive and Adele makes me cry at the best of times....does she think I just went about my day not remembering? I am really baffled as to what goes through her head.

I know she is incapable of this, and normally I can deal with it. But today?

[deste]

You sound a lovely person and the fact that so many people remembered and thought of you on the anniversary speaks volumes.

[Kallista]

Maybe you should sit her down and be honest - say that although you do like to hear about her day - you would love it if she asks about you.
It may take several 'chats' for her to get the message - also if she wants to see you regularly then turn the situation round to your advantage. Eg she could talk at you while doing your ironing ;). She clearly wants your company, so instead of her just talking insist she comes to the cinema / zumba class / swimming / a museum.
Also suggest volunteering at a hospital / day centre - she can make tea and talk to lots of old ladies (if she gets a word in).
I am sad to hear about your dad. Re: your mum - accept her for herself, she clearly loves and like you or she would ignore you. Just try to find ways to make your relationship more enjoyable. Good luck!

[jugglingjo]

My Mum can be slightly like this - certainly talks endlessly about what she and my Father are doing. I'd try to slip the odd thing about yourself and your feelings in anyway, even if she doesn't ask. eg. when she says she's had a difficult day you could say "I know, I've been thinking of Dad all day too" or when she tells you about the flowers someone gave her you can tell her about the tulips from your best friend.
I think my Mum finds it hard to truly understand the depth of my relationship with my Father, or my sister and brother. Perhaps it helps to see it slightly as a generational thing too, where your relationship with your husband was the most important relationship in your life, and your relationship with your children was not considered as important as I think it is for most of us today. Also my mother never had siblings that she knew ( one sister died as a baby before she was born). So she just doesn't really get the whole sibling and cousins thing.
Look on it as an exercise in assertiveness
Hard at the moment though, when it really would be nice to feel support from your Mum, as you offer yours to her.
Friends are the family we choose for ourselves !

[HavingAMaybe]

I keep on going over and over the characteristics of narcissist and re-confirming to myself that she is this way and that she won't ever change. The more I tell myself this, the more I can stop feeling like I need concern/unconditional love from her.

Recently, the city we both live in went through a fairly substantial natural disaster and my mother did not once express any kind of interest or concern for any other person in our family or amongst her friends (including me). All she cared about was who was helping her (her house was damaged) and who had called to check on her. She did not even attempt to check on anyone.

This whole experience was absolute proof to me that I am right about her, which in turn helps me to feel stronger about putting some distance between us.

[prettywhiteguitar]

Unfortunately have the same issue with my mum, my dad died 3 years ago and at the time or on the anniversary do I ever get asked if I am sad or upset...? no.

Like havingamaybe I keep reminding myself not to expect anything and its stops me getting upset about it, I get support from my family and my friends.

Maybe you could lower your expectations of her if she has has narc traits and then at least you won't get upset by her ?

[prettywhiteguitar]

I see her as another child ( like a step child as I feel very detached from her from so many years of bad behaviour) then talk to her as appropriate. Our roles are very reversed - she has never supported me throuhg anything. If anything when my ex left me I was consoling her !

[WMDinthekitchen]

My mother had these tendencies. Came in her case, quite possibly, from being the youngest in a very large family and a father whose discipline was draconian. I dealt with the situation by becoming self reliant, telling myself that I can deal with whatever life brings. This is largely true, but it does sometimes feel rather lonely. I will accept help on occasion, if it is offered but do not like to ask for help. Agree with prettywhiteguitar about lowering expectations. It is difficult but possible to become accustomed to it. Very sad for you, missing your father and having a mother who takes little note of how you are. Hug from me.

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

Mine doesn't concern herself over anyone else either (none of her kids, or her husband). But boy we are insensitive and hurtful if we don't faff around her.

It sounds horrible but I've given up expecting her to be a mother. I'm kind of in the process of grieving for the mother I never really had. I look at relationships of my friends and their mothers and I get quite envious (sometimes quite badly - even getting irrationally angry with the world and feeling as though I'm on my own and it's just not fair).

I just have to patronise her and (try to) forgive her for not being a mother. Which I could have done with, frankly. But hey.

[HavingAMaybe]

YY - as prettywhiteguitar and beatenbyayellowteacup have said, try to think of her as childlike and even assign her an age (my mother is about 8 years old in my mind).

[HavingAMaybe]

Sorry meant pretty talked about seeing her mum as a child, and beaten talked about lowering expectations (not about the child thing).

Both really helpful strategies for me!

[ByThePowerOfGreyskull]

DrNortherner, sorry to hear you have lost your dad, it is good to hear that aside from your mother you seem to have a good support network.

It is at time the only thing that keeps me going, when I have hard times somewhere in me still seems to be a 7 year old wanting mum to love me and even though I know she can't/isn't capable.
I need to back off and have done to a certain extent, I LOVE caller ID and mostly miss her calls.
When I felt I needed to talk to her about my suicide attempt, I mentioned that I was seeing a psychiatrist at the hospital and she just said (without emotion) at least I don't have to worry about you then. It has only been mentioned since when I have tried to distance myself from her - it is used to explain my distance, I am very poorly/sick and need to protect her from it!!!!!!

Anyway, the essence of my response to your question is that it is bloody hard to deal with. For some reason it seems to hurt as badly every fucking time and I wish it didn't.

Wishing you a peaceful nights rest x

[kaosandkisses]

Wow it is quite amazing how many people experience this kind of mother. Op I'm very sad for your loss and for your lack of proper mother. I can relate very well to your plight. I won't hijack your thread with my own story but suffice it to say I send you big love and happy Easter xx

[WhereonearthamI]

Someone with a mother like mine. It's nice to hear (though I don't mean to sound insensitive, obviously I wouldn't wish it on anyone)!

My father died 24 years ago and my mother has not been in a relationship since. She acts as though the world owes her a favour, and whatever anybody else is going through it can't be nearly as bad as what's happening to her. Eg she reckons a friend of mine should get back with his ex as there "must have been something there once", even though I have explained that his ex is a poisonous, abusive bitch and he is still suffering 20 years after their divorce.

What really shocked me was that I recently asked her the name of my father's father (ie my grandfather, who I never met) and she was honestly surprised I wanted to know. Not because she thought I'd have that info to hand, but she really couldn't understand why I was interested. It's my family ffs! We're barely in touch with any of his family and I know so little about him.

And yes, she never asks me if I miss him. If I don't speak to her for two days she wonders what she's done wrong, yet when we do speak she fills me in on the minutiae of her day and is never really interested to hear about me. I know she's lonely, but she could change her sit'n if she wanted to and I don't think she really does.

M

[mosschops30]

My mother is the same, ive given up expecting her to be any different, its always about her and how she feels. Even when i had emergency surgery all she went on about was how hard it was for her
we spoke today and i told her id been ill now for 5 days, so she sais she burnt her mouth last week and because its not healed shes probably got mouth cancer
its exhausting! Im sorry its the same for you

[garlicbutter]

Similar coping strategies to mine, above. My mother is 6yo. These days I stick to telling her only small & boring things about myself - anything important, she'll take ownership and milk it for every ounce of drama. I do love her but not the way people with normal mothers love theirs!

The more I let go of the "mother" she can't be - and relate sensibly to the nutcase she is - the better things get :)

OP, I'm sorry for your sadness. The fact that so many people really care about your feelings says volumes about the kind of person you are.