He said he'd go back to her if she asked

[hecalledmeflamingjune]

I've been in a relationship with him for 5 months, I knew he was close to his ex-wife from the start and it didn't bother me. He literally swept me off my feet, always wonderful and more lovely than I could have ever imagined.

Recently though it has become more and more apparent that his ex rules his life and he lets her. About a month ago she lost her job which I understand is a stressful time but he would disappear into the other room when he was he here at my house (once during dinner) to talk to her. I accidentally walked in on one of their conversations when the man came to read the gas meter and i overheard him say 'Don't worry about it sweetheart' in that voice. He's also been known to race over to hers to drop off a loaf of bread. I was on my way to his house and passed him - he actually waved at me as he drove past. He then turned around and went to the shop where I was waiting in my car and came out with armfuls of groceries for her. At the time all I was a bit miffed about was that he told me a time to go over there and then wasn't going to be there when I arrived. If I hadn't seen him drive off in the opposite direction I wouldn't have had a clue.

I am pretty laid back and can put up with a lot but this doesn't mean that things don't upset me.

Yesterday I asked him outright if he would go back to her if she asked him to and he said yes. They've been divorced for four years and he wants to be a family.

I appreciate his honesty but I feel totally crappy. He went on to say that he's in love with me and I am the one for him and her asking him back would never happen but I can't help feeling totally heartbroken and that is a huge thing to have hanging over us.

I know the sensible thing would be to run for the hills but I love him and part of me realises that her asking him back is never going to happen. I just feel totally worthless and how can he say that I'm the only one for him and he loves me if I'm just a stop-gap until he might get asked back?????

I don't know what to do or what to say or what to be.

[washnomore]

Run for the hills. Sorry. You can't have a future with someone when they're like this, he's treating you very unfairly and you can do much, much better.

:(

[pinkytheshrinky]

run run run sweetheart

[TheyKnowEsperanto]

You have more self-esteem than to allow yourself to be treated as second-best or stop-gap as you put it. Are you supposed to spend the next X months/years trying to get him to put you first? No. I would very much hope it will be a matter of days before you put your feelings first, even when he won't. I would thank him for his honesty and that it has made you understand that you both want different things out of the relationship and so you will be moving on, and wish him luck in getting his family back together. And don't look back.

Well done for asking him the question! You obviously felt you needed to and rather let it poison a relationship you can now part on amicable terms before it even has to get to that stage. The longer you are with this person, the longer you are putting off meeting the person who does and will put your feelings first and will invest as much as you do in wanting to be together. Or just having a bloody good time being single! I have never been lonely when single, the loneliest I have ever felt has been in a relationship - it somehow seems so much starker.

And the fact that you state you are laid-back suggests to me it is a quality about yourself you like (not saying you're immodest, just by mentioning it you place value on it - I would say the same about myself - it also leads to not so like-able qualities like horrendous time management but less about me, me, me!) BUT because you like it as a quality do not try and tell yourself you are being 'uptight' by being bothered by this (.e.g to remain 'laid-back' you have to take this and roll with it). Self-esteem is a valuable, valuable thing, as is self-awareness. It sounds like you have both - don't trade either of them in exchange for this person.

[HerHissyness]

"He literally swept me off my feet, always wonderful and more lovely than I could have ever imagined"

RED FLAG X2 right there.

Him telling you how he is - RED FLAG - LISTEN!

Him making you feel you are worthless and lucky to be with him - RED FLAG

You have been with him 5m. I have just had the most painful break after 10 years of living in the shadow of his EX, of being swept off my feet, the highs, and then, once hooked, the lows, the abuse and the destruction of my personality, my life and my hope.

Stand up for yourself NOW. If you tell him 'Sorry, you are clearly not emotionally available, and seem to have a few hang ups, I can't afford to be in a relationship where I'm on a hiding to nothing, I'm either prioritised or I'm OUT'

What have you got to lose?

A man that is grooming you to become his next addict/victim? Very likely.

If he steps up, addresses this issue and breaks free from the Ex, and realises you are the love of his life THEN you can reconsider. I don't for a second think he'll do that mind, as that would prevent HIM being able to keep you under his thumb and maintain the upper hand.

IF he does suddenly come good, great, if not, fantastic, you have escaped a potentially horrific relationship.

[MakeYerOwnDamnDinner]

Oh ouch, you poor thing.

Hard as it is you're going to have to let him go I'm afraid. He told you the truth and then felt bad and tried to soften the blow. He may well not want to lose you, after all she isn't asking him back is she? But imagine what it will do to your self esteem to carry on, knowing that you are second best.

Deep breath - end it - before your self respect is on the floor and you feel completely wretched.

It's actually very unfair of him to do this to you you know. If he wants his marriage back he should be ending his relationship with you.

[washnomore]

YY *HerHissyness.

I think you have to tell him it's over, give your reasons, and then be strong because I think this guy will work very hard to stop you from ending it. But unless you do end it you'll never show him that you won't tolerate this crap, and there's no incentive for him to move on.

Make the break, if he's really the right guy he'll move heaven and earth to be with you. But I don't think he is the right guy. Sorry.

[HerBeX]

"I know the sensible thing would be to run for the hills but"

You already know what you should do, don't you?

And you are telling us why you can't do that yet.

But you should do it as soon as you can. Every minute you are with him, you are losing the opportunity to meet someone who is going to value you more than anyone else.

"how can he say that I'm the only one for him and he loves me if I'm just a stop-gap until he might get asked back?????"

He can say that because he realised that he'd said something really bad, something whcih might cause him to be highly inconvenienced - the woman who is giving him the sexual and domestic services he likes, to leave him because she realises that he's never going to give her what she is entitled to from a relationship. So he said you're the only one for him to stop you going and taking your valuable services with you. That's the only reason he said it. Sorry to be brutal, but you deserve to be with someone who loves you, not with someone who is with you because it's convenient. There's nothing wrong with that sort of arrangement if both parties are happy with it and it suits their current life circumstances, but you aren't, so there's something very wrong with it.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

What HerBeX said, all of it.

So sorry that you're in this position, OP. It's much easier to make excuses for his behaviour than to accept how he really feels about you... but deep down you know, and your self esteem is not so damaged that you accept this second-best relationship as good enough for you.

[Dozer]

As the other ladies have said, lots of red flags here, think would be best to call it a day. And stick to your guns, as he sounds like he'd turn on the charm again (temporarily ) to win you back.

Sounds like he doesn't really want you, he wants a rsp to prove something to himself / ex-wife.

Sorry OP. You deserve better.

[Dozer]

Herhissyness has outlined some of the red flags, totally agree!

[hecalledmeflamingjune]

Thank you for your support.
I wish he'd told me sooner before I let myself fall for him like I have. Of course I understand what I need to do to save my own sanity.
Thank you again, all of you.

[HerBeX]

Well that's the thing, selfish people like this don't tell you earlier because they get off on the fact that someone else cares more for them than they do for them. It flatters their vanity and they're irresponsible enough to put their egos ahead of the emotional well-being of someone else.

Someone honest and decent would have said that they didn't see themselves being with you long term, but that they liked and respected you and wanted to be with you just for the forseeable future and given you the choice to decide whether you wanted to accept a relationship on those terms. He didn't so he's not honest and decent. You know you're doing the right thing don't you, however hard it's going to be. Good luck with it.

[HerHissyness]

OP, how much sooner would you have liked? He's only been with you 5m, a couple of those were focussed on hooking you, and now, less than 6m in, he's showing you how he is.

I'll bet that he's actually HORRIBLY abusive, cost most of the ones that turn out to be control freaks can keep up the Mr NiceGuy act for way longer than a couple months.

Honey, you don't know who he is, really you don't I was with mine for 10 years before I realised that I have absolutely NO idea of who he is and what he is capable of.

You are disappointed, sad for the loss of the image you thought was real. If he was so flaming wonderful and is still calling his ExW sweetheart, then why are they not still together? SHE doesn't want HIM. Maybe her skin crawls when she hears him call her sweetheart.

Console yourself with the fact that you really have had a lucky escape.