Jealous of everyone!

[momofboys]

Hi, my DS1 was invited to a friends house last minute before school, so DS2 asks could he invite a friend over. I said no initially as I felt it was too last minute for another parent but he begged and I called the mum of one of his friends but he had other plans after school. DS was disappointed but it was my reaction has left me reeling. I was fuming because this other lad was going to another lads house! Crazy I know. I started in my mind going over how my DS has never been invited to this other lads (the third lad) house or his birthday party. I found myself angry at the mother, oh I could go on. Now, this was all done in my head, DS wouldn't have realised I was mad at all, in fact I was telling him 'we knew it was last minute, so we'll do it next week etc.' But the plain fact was I was totally jealous, mad, fuming!! Jekyll & Hyde.

This is a common occurance with me, It's mainly around relationships though. Basically I want to be the most popular person, I want my children to be the most popular children and us the most popular family. Its rarely about material things. I know this sounds like I'm an awful person and my rational mind tells me this is not reality. My main concern is I don't want to pass any of these vibes on to my children. I am very aware of this and at the moment this is all done in my mind and me fuming away at myself, it is anger I feel. This morning made me realise I need to get this in check.

I used to make friends easily as a child and was popular but messed up major as a teenager and lost a lot of them. After getting married we moved from our home area to somewhere we didn't know anyone. I haven't been able to make any close friendship since. Plenty acquaintances, everyone pleasant etc. but nothing close.

Has anyone ever gone through this? Even writing it down helps.

If you've read this far, thanks!

momofboys

[BelleBelicious]

Momofboys

I don't think you need to worry about it, as you are rational enough to recognise that your reaction is proper mental, to use the clinical term. The extreme feelings you are having are probably just due to feeling insecure and isolate (I'm sure you realise this). If you don't have any other issues, like serious depression, then I would suggest you read up on some CBT or go and see someone. I've found it really helpful for overwhelming or negative thoughts.

Making friends when you are older and have kids is hard. I've moved to a new area and most of the mums knew each other from when their kids were babies. They are all (well mostly) pleasant to me, but it doesn't seem to go any further. I have always made friends easily in the past too (school, uni, different work places) but being at home is isolating. Could you join the PTA or something? Actually working or volunteering might help. I solved my problem by starting a new job. I don't care whether I'm friends with the mums anymore. I've got good friends from other aspects of life, and whereas it would be nice to have a close friend (or two) nearby, you can't force these things.

[MilkandWine]

Hi Momofboys

I'm no expert of course but I would suggest that any desire to be 'best' at everything comes from a deep rooted insecurity. Really inside you feel you are not good enough but if you (and by extension your family) can be the best then that validates you as a person?

I lost friends myself as an early teenager and I know what a dreadful blow it can be to your confidence and self-esteem. It sounds to me like you have never really gotton over those feelings of rejection and are now trying to overcompensate. I don't think you are a dreadful person at all, a dreadful person would not realise that their actions/feelings were unhealthy. You do and you want to change which is a good start.

Have you considered ways you can start to develop new friendships where you live? It would definately be a huge step to developing a healthier way of looking at things if you did I think. Easier said than done sometimes though I know.

[lookingfoxy]

This really all stems from when you were a teenager and how you felt about losing a lot of your friends, it must have been horrible for you and naturally you don't want your son's to experience the same feelings as you went through.
Unfortunately its manifested itself as its current situation making you insecure about relationships.
I really don't know what to advise tbh, if you realise why you are behaving in this way, it may help you handle it better/not take it personally.

[momofboys]

Thanks a mill for your replies. I know it must be stemming from my loss of friendships (all my own fault unfortunately). Also, I was majorly fussed over as a child as I was apparently exceptionally pretty but god love me when I started puberty everything went to pot. I put on weight practically overnight, my major prettiness evaporated, so from about 11 onwards I went from being 'wowed' over to 'she's a lovely solid girl'. I half laugh at that now, but it must have been very damaging when I think back on it. Funnily enough its something I find I'm very careful with with my lads, not to overpraise them or pass comment on their appearance as a result. I do feel this contributed to my going off the rails in my teen years, alcohol & anger don't mix. I am still very angry with myself for treating my good friends, and they were very good, they way I did.

However, I'm many years down the road now, don't drink and feel I would be a good friend to someone but I've missed the boat. I will have to find ways to control my jealous reaction because I wonder do I project that over to people, even though its going on in my head, can people sense it from me - Iwas looking at CBT before, so will look a bit more into it now.

Oh, if only we could turn back the clock!!

Thanks again, just even writing about this is helping.

momofboys

[Doha]

Momofboys l know exactly how you feel. I moved house and school at 16 and left all my friends behind. I had one more yearto finish in another school , not enough time to make any real friends. I felt really alone and although l have friends now l don't have anyone l could call my best friend apart from DH.
Fast forward to having my DC's. I had the same irrational fear that they would end up friendless like me and was always asking them about friends at school, asking friends over to play, me always doing the asking.
Now l have 3 well balanced kids who laugh at me for my worries. In fact l was just moaning this morning to DD2 that she should not abandon her friends as she seems to be spending all her time with her boyfriend. (young love at 16). All 3 have friends galore and l think what l am saying is that they will form their own friendships over the years regardless of what l do to help. And it has all worked out fine.

[lookingfoxy]

CBT is great btw (in my own experience)