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How do I approach my brother about what happened?

6 replies

worldsapart · 07/04/2011 21:49

I've posted this in Chat but someone mentioned I may get better advice here...

I'm a regular poster but namechanged for this, and have posted in here because I hope this will disappear eventually....

Deep breath.

So, I'm not quite sure how to start this, as I've never mentioned this to anyone in my life but, without going into too much detail....when i was young (about 4 and my brother about 6) we were both made to touch another family member. She is a cousin and about 30 years older than me and is also mentally disabled. It only ever happened to me once.

My brother & I have never discussed this and it was about 25 years ago, I have blanked it out (well, until now)

The reason I'm bringing this up now is that my brother is severely depressed, has been for years, drinks alot, cries when he is drunk about his childhood but is never specific, it's causing problems with his own family and we are all so worried.

Could this one episode be the reason for his depression? Could it have happened to him more than once? These are the things that are going through my head....when I tell my parents about this it will devastate them and tear our family apart.

I know I have an obligation to help my brother, but how the hell do I start this - I live 230 miles away from him, I can't talk to him on the phone - I've only just spoke to DP about this and broke down in tears!

It's all a mess, I would have taken this to my grave if I'm being honest but now I have an obligation to help my brother - if this is in fact the root of his problems...

Help....

OP posts:

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lookingfoxy · 07/04/2011 22:09

You need to go and see your brother, if its not this then it could be something else, he may think that you don't remember as you were younger.

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garlicbutter · 07/04/2011 22:54

It could have happened more than once for him, yes, and perhaps your abuser took things further in some way with him. Or perhaps you have blanked out more than you realise. I understand how this may look like a can of worms you'd rather leave unopened; I salute your compassion and integrity. I think it's important that you let your brother know what you've remembered. This will provide validation for his own memories, or at least one of them.

He sounds in dire need of some therapy, so I hope there is someone who can get him to a doctor and start looking for treatment. Does he live alone?

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atswimtwolengths · 07/04/2011 23:24

I would write to him and let him deal with what you say in his own time. The phone is no good for broaching something like that.

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Rhinestone · 08/04/2011 13:39

Writing a letter is a good idea. Or can you invite him to come and stay for the weekend? I think you do need to gently tell him that you remember though.

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garlicbutter · 09/04/2011 01:26

My sibs did me a huge favour by dropping observations on me - I know they hadn't deliberately worked it out between them (they're mostly still in denial) and they really took the form of random statements plonked in from nowhere. I'd guess that everyone else around 'chose' not to hear them; that happens a lot, you know? But when my brother said "I remember when XYZ happened" it meant a whole world to me. I hadn't imagined it! It really was true! Everything else carried on as if nothing dramatic had happened. But it had, for me.

All you need to do is say it :)