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Relationships

I finally did it

5 replies

ohdearyme11 · 16/03/2011 00:11

Today after 11 yrs in an abusive relationship I finally went to the family court and got a safety and barring order.

I feel so sad but I'm not sure why. If I had any doubts this morning, I'm now 100% sure I have done the right thing as tonight I have had to listen to how he "would love to do what he can't" i.e hit me and how his ex wife had a tighter lady garden and perkier boobs!

Please keep me strong as I have moments of sheer euphoria (sp) and panic.

OP posts:

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threadsoffeeling · 16/03/2011 00:14

stay strong, mn will help you, but you have to stay strong.

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Underachieving · 16/03/2011 02:02

So if you have a barring order how has he managed to insult you?

He is saying these things because they will knock your sense of self worth. In fact the very idea that your sexual organs define your self worth is offensive when you think about it. It says so much about who he is and how he views women. Please try to see that, he is an inadequate individual who can't see you as a person, only a collection of soft bits onto hich he can impose himself.

He's deficient.

By contrast my DP was seeing several ladies when we met (he's either a charmer or a slut depending on if I'm in a good mood with him haha, he lovingly wears both terms with pride). He's had infinately prettier creatures than me, I know this, a surprising number approached him in my presence when the relationship was new. He chooses me. I come complete with a saggy chest, keloid (raised) internal scarring snaking all the way down the "birth canal", 14 inch long stretch marks (I measured) and a periodic aversion to sex, or even to being touched, for weeks on end. This sex aversion is because I have rape-related PTSD, which means I sometimes automatically defend myself as if I'm being mugged when all he did was touch my arm. So why would a highly sexed man like that want me? Because even a total tart like my DP is capable of seeing a person as a whole person and more than the sum of one value. Even if he does secretly see me as the sum of one value, that value certainly isn't my ability to lie still and make moaning noises. Is my DP unusual? Only in that he has a winning smile and the ability to talk the legs off a donkey. In any other way he's just a person, same as you are, same as I am, same as most people are. He sees people as far richer and more interesting beings than simply their place on any one value spectrum.

Your ex has shown his true colours today, please try to see through this. He has shown that he views you and every other woman as meat. He is incapable of looking at a person who is female and seeing a person. Your worth is not dependant on the condition of your sexual organs. Who would you save from a fire first, some random male porn star or Nelson Mandela? I think it likely you and I would both find that our value system puts little emphasis on a persons shaggability.

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ladysybil · 17/03/2011 00:45

hope youve had a good, strong day today

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Anniegetyourgun · 17/03/2011 09:16

Underachieving, that's beautiful. I'll tell you something else your DP has that's special: the good sense to appreciate you.

ohdearieme, well done indeed. It's a huge pity that you had to take such a drastic step, but you really did. I hope the euphoria soon replaces the panic altogether!