No communication!

[sometotalkto]

I dunno whether this is a deal breaker or something I am going to have to grin and bear!

Me and dp have been togther 9 years and have 2 dc under 5..

I am someone, who wears my heart on my sleeve and in touch with my emotions and like to talk about problems/feelings and would rather have everything out in the open and to talk and express fellings.

My dp on the other hand, bottles everything and refuses to talk about anything that closey resembles feelings or emotions.

We have been through a lot in the last year or so, and if i so much as try to talk to him about anything, he closes up, gets nasty, tells me to shut up, in not so many words, says theres not gonna be a converstaion and to get on with it, and thats it, end of converstaion! leaving me fustrated, and tearful.

Over the years I have battled with this and reached a point that i too started to bottle things up, or probably more to the fact, keep quiet!

Can a relationship carry on like this? the physical side of the relationship is starting to fall apart, ie kissing, cuddling, sex!.. I just feel that if we cannot connect together mentally or emotionaly, I find myself not wanting to be physical. DP, cant understand this! he says that I must not love him anymore, but I just feel that im being disrespected by not being allowed to express emotions. :(

[gillybean2]

ime no - sorry :(

[zikes]

It doesn't sound like there's anywhere to go: if he won't talk, won't let you talk and everything's deteriorating between you, it doesn't look good.

[sometotalkto]

I just dont know what to do. We get on great in general :(

[zikes]

I think he needs to give a little, possibly the pair of you talk things over with a counsellor? So you can come to some compromise where you can express yourself and get things in the open, and he at least listens.

[squeakytoy]

It was a dealbreaker for me. But I didnt have children to think of. My husband was exactly like your partner, and I am like you, I prefer to talk things through. I believe an argument can be healthy to clear the air (obviously without violence).. he just used to walk away and shut down. It drove me mad and in the end I couldnt take it anymore. I warned him a few times that if he carried on like this I would leave.

I left. We were apart for 4 months.


He changed, he got counselling about it. We got back together, and he is a different person now and has been for the last 6 years.

[wotnext]

I agree with squeaky, sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better.

If you carry on like this it will get worse.

I think what you have wrote here in the opening post is very clear, could you maybe print it of as a letter to him?

My dh has reformed too so, yes some people can work through this kind of thing & move forward but its not easy.

[Geistesabwesenheit]

It can't carry on as it is, no. It's something we're working through at the moment; like Squeakytoy and Wotnext, my D(?)H is starting to behave differently, or at least trying. I had to threaten divorce, before he'd listen though. I'm not saying that would work in every situation, but sometimes people like your DP (and my DH) need to understand (or start to understand) that discussing things is generally a better option that bottling it up.

[wotnext]

Yes, it can work especially if he is starting to show signs of change & wants to work through it, that's brilliant, its a start.
What you must do is stay calm but firm. Unfortunately sometimes in situations like this you start to get somewhere & just when things are looking up, it all slips back in to the same routine if you want to call it that. Sooner or later you get back to square 1.
Be strong & keep talking, maybe he needs to address the problems in life, he has that makes him 'bottle things up' while you have him talking & things are looking good please dont let it slip, keep working on it. It's much easier to slip back in to old routine but in the long term its just a vicious circle.
Call this a practise run & get him talking as soon as you see the signs, if he doesn't want to talk at that time, take a step back & while at arms length you can say 'when you are ready to talk about it
Like i said it's not easy & sometimes we give in too quickly just to have to start all over again.
So while you are at this stage keep moving forward don't let it get back to what it was so to speak.
You have got this far so maybe standing firm will hold it there until he is ready to move forward with you x