I've just found out my ex and I will be going to the same wedding this summer. We're all old schoolfriends so lots of people will know both of us.
Ex was a total nob - isolated me from friends, systematically destroyed my confidence and made me think I was going nuts, took my money and eventually shacked up with someone else while we were living together and left when it was convenient for him. OTOH, I am an alcoholic and was drinking a lot then. I was functioning, but he knew it wasn't healthy.
I tried to stay in touch to get my money back, but at one point he was making really nasty sexual comments to me on facebook so I snapped and said if he couldn't give me the money I wanted him out of my life. He and I and his girlfriend had a bit of a row and I've not been in touch since. We've mutual friends including my close friend (who agrees he's a nob) and her partner (who thinks there was fault on both sides), so I know what he's up to in a general way.
On the face of it I am doing fine. I'm married to a lovely guy who really cares for me, I'm being paid to do something I love, and although I've not beaten the alcoholism, I'm sober at the moment. The ex has not done very well with this life, but thinks of himself as a writer and a hard worker for his dad. I'm a student and I know he thinks students are lazy and it's pathetic for a 26-year-old to be still studying.
Sorry, long backstory. The problem is when I think about him I feel really nervous and unsure of myself. I just know that when I see him I will be a nervous wreck. I don't want him to say anything about our past but knowing him I think he will make innuendos (this is his preferred mode of communication with women in general, it wouldn't be a pointed comment but the idea of it makes me feel squeamish). I know from my friend that he has previously discussed my sexuality very openly in an inappropriate way. I don't know if he would comment on anything else but I'm worried it will come up that he is 'working' and I'm 'just' studying.
How do I get through this without feeling crap? I can't feasibly just avoid him all day though obviously I will do that as much as possible. I can't explain very well just how he makes me feel - he has never done any one particularly awful thing. He would never have hit me and he would let me cry and comfort me, though at the time I thought I was just a very unhappy person and now I think it suited him for me to be upset.
Any tips for boosting my confidence? Things I should/shouldn't do? Is it worth talking to my friend (who knows both of us) about this and asking her to watch out for him?
DH can't make it to the wedding so I will be on my own, btw. I have said I will go, and won't cancel now.
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How do I cope with confidence in front of my ex?
21 replies
JaneS · 04/03/2011 10:56
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