Helping a family with an EA - please, please help!

[pinkhandbag]

I have namechanged just in case!

I am very close to someone, and to the children. Over the last few weeks, I have begun to notice that the slightly unpleasant way this person sometimes talks to the partner has, over the years, become less of a 'slight unpleasantness at times' and more like emotional abuse. In fact now I am certain of it .

The person, I am sure, will never leave the abuser. I really, really care about them all. How can I help? The abuser knows that there is too much shouting, but I'm not sure if there is awareness of the extent of the disparaging, belittling way the partner is spoken to even when there is no anger involved. And I don't know if there is any awareness of the effect of this abuse. The partner has very low self-esteem and is very downtrodden, to the extent that it has been noticed by relative strangers .

I really, really need help with this situation. I am fairly certain that if the abuser were aware of the extent of the behaviour and it's effect, the abuser would want to change but will need a lot of support and help - and the right sort.

Any ideas?

[pinkhandbag]

Please!? I'm desperate - I can't stand by anymore and just let this happen.

[squeakytoy]

Does the person who you feel is being abused, consider themselves as being abused?

[MigratingCoconuts]

you could try contacting womansaid for advice

[pinkhandbag]

squeaky - I don't know.

Migrating - will do. Thank you.

Any other thoughts from anyone? I know there's a lot of experience with EA on here.

[squeakytoy]

I think you need to find out if the person feels that they are being treated badly before you do anything which may be seen as unwanted interference.

I am sure you have your friends best interest at heart, but you really dont know what goes on in private, so until you have spoken to her, I am not sure why you are so desperate and frantic to help???

[pinkhandbag]

Because I won't be able to stay friends with the abuser for much longer unless something starts to change, and if the abuser starts losing friends, the children will too (can't explain why - would be too much information). The children are not at physical risk in anyway, but of course they are suffering from seeing one of their parents being treated very badly, and the long term affect on how they manage relationships in the future could be massive. I care about them all. Is that so bizarre!?

[squeakytoy]

The thing is though, its not "your" situation.

Or is it????

[pinkhandbag]

No, it's not my situation.

WWYD then? Could you stay close friends with someone who treated their partner desperately badly? Woudln't you be colluding with it then? Would you just dump them as a friend, knowing that the children would suffer and the whole family would continue down this destructive path? Or would you do whatever you could, as a close friend, to help the situation?

Genuinely interested, and not in the slightest bit cross. I just don't see how I can continue being nice to her, knowing (and witnessing) how she behaves.

[squeakytoy]

You are really baffling me here... who are you the closest to? the friend or her husband? and who is doing the bad behaviour?

[pinkhandbag]

the abuser is my friend. she's abusing her husband. my two children are very close friends with her.

[squeakytoy]

Have you ever pulled her up on the way she speaks to him then?

[pinkhandbag]

Not directly. Only in a kind of jokey way, which I know is a cop-out on my part, but I have only recently realsied the extent of the problem.

[MigratingCoconuts]

It seems to me you either keep quiet and keep the friendships as they are...and ignore or...

You calmly and politely raise it and risk what follows.
If you can't stand by any more then I don't believe you have a choice.

Bad things happen because good people stand by and let them take place.

[MigratingCoconuts]

I hope that doesn't come across as too direct. I can understand your dilema but I don't see the friendship lasting anyway if you can't abide the way she is treating her H

[pinkhandbag]

"Bad things happen because good people stand by and let them take place."

That's exactly what I think, coconuts. But I don't know how!

[MigratingCoconuts]

I think you need to talk to her directly and clamly but I would go to somewhere like womans aid to find out what might be the most successful way to do this.

[squeakytoy]

The thing is though, its really really not your place to interfere, unless one of them asks for your help.

Her husband may not even take any notice of her, and does not consider himself as being verbally abused.

You dont live with them, so really you dont know what the whole story is.

I dont think that there is much you can do, apart from voice your disapproval to your friend and tell her that she may wreck her marriage if she treats her husband like dirt.

You shouldnt have to break off your friendship with her, she isnt being abusive to you.

[annielouisa]

Has the husband spoken to you about how he feels or is it how you percieve their relationship? I think if you speak to either party they may close ranks and freeze you out anyway. The wife may percieve your concern for her husband as designs on him and not be very accepting of your interference. I think you are in an extremely difficult position and if you truly feels she is this bad saving your friendship may be very hard.