Having spent the day reading threads in here I am resigned to being single for at least another 4 years

[bobbyzee]

I am a single dad aged 40 years old with three children aged 20, 16 and 14.

My ex-wife left me 7 years ago after having an affair with a colleague. I have shared custody 50:50 since day one.

In the intervening period I have had 3 longish term relationships:

• one which lasted 4 months and split mutually due largely to me not having got over the breakup of my marriage
  

• one which lasted 6 months and split largely due to the fact that my kids were too important to me
  

• one which lasted initially for 2 years and then another 6 months and split due to the fact the she was unfaithful on at least 2 occasions
  

I am educated, well-rounded, and, despite the experience of the last 8 years or so, a positive kind of bloke. I refuse to let my negative experiences to colour and cloud my view of women in general and I remain hopeful that I will find someone who I can partner with.

I am therefore depressed to read the low esteem in which the vast majority of the male gender is held in here. I had expected a few horror stories, but the overwhelming assumption appears to be that men are conniving, lying and manipulative scumbags with a few diamonds thrown in amongst.

In my experience, based on the trials and tribulations of my friends as well as my own, both genders are culpable. Manipulation takes place on both sides and certainly over the last few years the majority of break ups and affairs that I have witnessed have been instigated by the female.

My wife didn't leave me because she was deliriously happy. She left because she had found someone she believed would make her happier than I was. I take my share of culpability in that, but I also know who made the ultimate decision to step outside the boundaries of our marriage.

With the level of suspicion and one-sided expectation that exists on mumsnet I can only see me settling down again once my youngest leaves for Uni and I can risk opening my home again without leaving my kids open to hurt.

A sad thought to be honest :(

[carlywurly]

Are you just reading relationships threads?? They do tend to be more one sided, as people often post on here if they're either going through something traumatic, or want to advise others who are. Few people post to talk about healthy relationships, although it's lovely when there is a positive thread.

There are many women who genuinely need help on here, who are being abused in some way, but maybe not recognising some of the signs of this. I was one of them not so long ago and I certainly wouldn't ever assume that my ex-husband is representative of men in general. I'd like to think I'm intelligent enough to realise everyone is different, and make my mind up on an individual basis.

[bobbyzee]

I suppose that I have been reading mainly the Relationships threads, but the advice is extremely one-sided and the level of double standards is astounding.

I am at a loss of what EA stands for, but have worked out it is someone texting/contacting someone surreptitiously. The number of people saying that the poster is doing no harm or that they are only looking for comfort is staggering, especially when the exact opposite is reserved for women who have caught their husbands/boyfriends doing the same.

I post on a couple of forums, both male dominated (though not exclusively). I can say without question that the responses tend to be far more balanced and if anything those who are cheating are given a really rough time.

[devastatedofdorset]

As someone going through a traumatic split at the moment i can see that it might appear that way. However, most of us see other relationships and aspire to recreate the closeness we have had before and remain optimistic that we might meet a lovely man and have a good relationship again.

You sound like a lovely guy really caring and a good father - unfortunately for most of us posting on here our experience is not positive about Fathers putting their kids first- but people like you will help to restore our faith.

Dont give up - in my braver moments i am not giving up the thought of meeting someone else.

[Malificence]

Dig a little deeper and you will find the many women who are now in wonderful relationships with decent and loving men after years of abuse or even just dull and unsatisfying marriages.
"Men" in general are very highly thought of on here but as it's a forum for relationship problems, the individual stories of awful and abusive men do tend to come to the fore.

[nutkins]

I can definately see why you have that impression if you are reading these forums! Not all women on here are judgemental, even though a few are - cruelly and brutally at times!

There is someone out there for you I'm sure. When and how you choose to search for her is up to you, but I doubt spending time on here will bring you any closer!

NB Posted by a happily married women with 2 kids and a faithful marriage...

[HerBeX]

Most people don't post to say how great their relationships are, that's why you'll get a negative view of relationships on here. No news is good news and you only hear the bad.

The majority of women go outside the boundaries of their marriage, because marriage is in general not good for women. It's good for men. The heirarchy of happiness goes:

Married men
Single women
Married women
Single men

But there are plenty of couples who manage to be happy and to blend their families.

EA is emotional abuse btw.

[bobbyzee]

Hahaha Nutkins - I didn't come on here thinking about finding someon - I was actually looking at the threads to do with coping with older kids. As they get older I feel more and more of a spare part.

I just posted this thread because I am genuinely shocked at the level of opprobrium directed at every male mentioned.

[HerBeX]

Ah but you weren't on a few weeks ago when someone posted about how larvely her dh was and invited everyone to post about how larvely their's were.

People only post about their problems on the whole. That's why it looks so skewed.

[bobbyzee]

HerBeX - If I might say so, that is a rather generalist hierarchy. I have had some great times as a single man and some miserable times as a married one.

In what way do you say that marriage is good for a man and not a woman? Surely the whole point of marriage is that it is a commitment by two parties to love and support one another? Saying that women leave because marriage is not good for them kind of exhonorates them from any kind of responsibility? I have yet to meet a man who has left his marriage because he was happy in it.

Thanks for the info on EA. I will read future threads better advised.

[devastatedofdorset]

i thought EA was an emotional affair - as in linking with someone and forming a relationship - albeit without the sex. It is usually a stage before the full sexual affair.

[bobbyzee]

That makes much more sense from the threads I have been reading.

[Roisinniamh]

EA stands for Emotional Affair, where two people have become involved but have not had sex.

[carlywurly]

EA can also be an acronym for emotional abuse.

[Morloth]

People who are happy in their relationships don't tend to post and the majority of posters here are female so of course there is going to be a bit of a bias.

Personally, if DH and I split/he dies then I have no intention of being with anyone until my youngest is 18, it all looks way too hard.

I like men, but don't really need one so would be fine with that I think. A man would have to be pretty special to measure up against DH and would have to be prepared to take a back seat to my kids.

[IngridBergmann]

EA means both those things depending on the context.

I've seen a lot of threads started by women considering or actually cheating and they are usually given short shrift. They are not as ubiquitous as the ones about men cheating though as this is a predominantly female forum, therefore most people who post will do so from a perspective of wanting help with a cheating partner rather than their own cheating and this means it'll be men in the line of fire.

I'm sorry you have had problems finding a permanent relationship.

I am a single woman, in an on/off relationship but actually more off than on and I am happier that way.

I also find it hard to imagine partnering up with anyone while my children need me. They are still young and it is very hard to find anyone who would fit into a complex dynamic such as exists within a family.

So you're not alone, as it were. Loads of us are single, happily or not.

[CheerfulV]

Cheaters, whether male or female, are usually blasted on here. Ditto those people contemplating cheating, or who feel 'driven' to do so because of a lack of sex/affection/whatever. There's certainly no hand-holding when it comes to that topic; sadly because a lot of the women here have experienced being cheated on, either emotionally and/or physically, and know what the discovery of an OW (other woman) can do to a marriage and to their self esteem. Infidelity is a huge deal and not taken lightly here.

I hope you find someone who is right for you when the time is right, whenever that is :) For what it's worth I can identify with the whole kids complicating things issue. It does seem easier not to bother, because they will always come first, and it's quite fraught dating when you have kids I think. Still, chin up

[FickleFreckle]

bobbyzee don't worry, it often isn't any more representative than eavesdropping on blokes down the pub on a Saturday night.

For starters, you don't know what all the lurkers are thinking, and you don't know what the people not posting about relationships or gender are thinking either. So that probably excludes the majority.

Secondly, as people say women are posting because they are upset, hurt or worried, so will attract posts supporting them and condemning their partners. I remember going on a website for divorced dads some years ago and they all sounded bitter and misogynistic, so I can imagine how it comes across to you.

Thirdly, is it always the same people who reassure women that texting another person etc. is OK but condemn partners doing it? It's easy to perceive double standards where in fact some people think one thing and some another but they are not differentiated but lumped into a group.

I laugh and joke sometimes saying "men do this, men do that" as a way of coping with the inevitable unfairnesses of being a stay-at-home-mum to two small children. But I love my husband and support him in every way I can. I regard men as my friends and equals and so do all the women I know.

Sorry, absolutely knackered so can't get my words out properly, but anyway just don't be disheartened, there is love and contentment waiting for you I am sure, and I hope you find it soon.

[bobbyzee]

Thanks for the responses.

I was married for a long time and so I am not desperate to settle down again, but my friends seem to think it is bizarre that I am happy to be single.

I am just not prepared to compromise either for my kids (becoming less of an issue as they grow older) or for myself.

If all else fails I am planning to bugger off to Africa and do VSO for a couple of years!

[IngridBergmann]

VSO sounds great.
You are doing fine. It's the desperate ones we worry about.

[HerBeX]

bz, vis the generalised list, of course it's generalised, all research is. Ever since these things were measured though, that basic heirarchy hasn't changed. Married men are the happiest people in society, in general and single men are generally the least happy. That's been true for at least 40 years across all classes and wherever that question is asked in opinion polls. Naturally there are always exceptions.

There's nothing wrong with being single if you are enjoying it and as you say, it means tht you can do things like VSO when your DC's are old enough to leave, without having to negotiate with someone else.

[googoomama]

I post regularly on a thread in relationships where lots of us have been dealt a rough hand. However, as a single mum who has had a very bad marriage and some disastrous relationships I do not tarnish all men with the same brush at all and still like men and their company. No woman on the thread I'm on ever generalises about men in a negative way. I was emotionally abused in a marriage by a nasty person who was a bully. The fact that it was a man has little to do with it. My brother, grandad and dad are the loveliest people I know and I recognise that because of some issues that I have, I have been attracted to the wrong sort of people, rather than all men being wrong. I am still optimistic about the future and I see wonderful men every day - at work and married to my friends. Hopefully one day I will also meet someone who is good for me :)

[mummery]

Believe me Bobby it's hard reading this as a single female parent too.

Some of the stuff I see on Relationships breaks my heart. Some of it makes me feel grateful for the blessing of loneliness (!) and some of it makes me think that a kind, respectful, honest and faithful (and non-porn addicted!) man simply does not exist.

However I'm raising a son and I refuse to believe that it is inevitable he will mature into a twunt!

Spend some time on Chat or AIBU for a laugh.

Remember also as others have said, people just don't post when things are going ok. People post when their lives are crap. And they are 9 times out of 10 only 'suspicious' with very reasonable cause.

Plus I don't think there really is 'one-sided expectation' at least not from most of us who want no more than a fair, loving and enduring partnership - not much to ask really.

[madonnawhore]

OMG do VSO for sure. That would be amazing.

Also, don't be disheartened by what you read on here. It's a forum specifically for people having a shitty time in their relationships so of course it's going to make for depressing reading.

I will add that sometimes guys on here (and I'm not saying this is what you are doing at all) get quite defensive because they read stuff on here about men's behaviour and the overwhelming response from women is that it is shitty, if the male reader recognises that in himself his initial reaction is to go on the attack. Also, I find that some male MN-ers are staggeringly bad at reading between the lines and can become fixated on the facts presented without being able to look at how they fit into the bigger picture that's being drawn by the OP.

Argh, I sound like I'm man-hating. I'm not, I'm really, really not. FWIW my current fella is absolutely amazing and I have no complaints whatsoever (apart from that he poos with the bathroom door open. TMI, anyone?). It's just that when I see guys missing the point on threads on here sometimes I just think jeez, no wonder forums like this exist.

Sorry, this turned into a bit of a rant. Didn't mean it to.

You sound very lovely BTW, OP.

[OTheHugeManatee]

In general, people tend to talk about unhappy relationships, but just get on with having happy ones. So you're seeing a very unrepresentative selection if you're mostly reading the threads here in Relationships.

I'm in a happy relationship with a bloke I love to pieces. I'd feel just a tiny bit insensitive if I turned up in this section of MN to talk about how nice my he is, given what a rough time some other posters are going through with their relationships.

You wouldn't get so many posts in Chat etc etc etc about what people are up to with their DPs/DHs/DCs (and you definitely wouldn't get the entire Weddings section of MN!) if the majority of female posters here hated and mistrusted men.

[HerBeX]

LOL madonnawhore, poo-ing with the bathroom door open?

Why?

That would um... slightly irritate me too.