I'm in love with a commitment phobe!

[lovelylashes]

I'm not sure how it happened or how I didn't realise but I have been dating a guy for 15 months and today it dawned on me...he is a commitment phobe.
I have 3 children from my previous relationship and they know him and think the world of him.
He has a daughter from a previous relationship who he adores.
He had a horrible childhood and has abandonment fears which now I realise contributed to him becoming scared of commitment.
He is currently having counselling though he has told me this is due to his inability to talk in a relationship and has not told me he is scared to commit.
I love him, I guess what I want to know is what can I do?

[lovelylashes]

He treats me well, is very loving and affectionate when we're together. We see each other a few times a week and he told me that he spoke of me last week in his counselling as a safe and loving retreat from the world.
He compartmentalises his life(by his own admittance), I haven't met his mum(just his brother, briefly), he hasn't met any of my family apart from my children. He is very private and a little secretive. Now I understand why I am not taking it personally anymore!
It is great that he is having the counselling, I guess I just need to be patient.
I googled the words "commitment phobe" and scared myself a little, most sites say leave him etc. If he is having counselling and I don't put him under pressure then I hope this means we have a chance of making things work.

[IngridBergmann]

this is helpful

Have you seen that yet? If not it's worth a read - it helped me handle my child's father far better than I was before.

It's v hard to figure out what's driving their behaviour unless you have a handbook as it were.

It depends if you can sustain the special treatment of them...I'm not sure if I could. It's really hard work and doesn't really provide what I need in a lot of ways.

But it depends what you are after.

[lovelylashes]

Thank you. I have just ordered the book from Amazon. I know I can't fix him and I just need to chill out, stop stressing and give him time....I hope I can achieve that.
x

[Anniegetyourgun]

Give him time for what, though? Suppose he never does learn to like commitment, would you be happy with this arms-length relationship for ever? If it is more important to you to have him in your life part-time than someone different full-time, then why not; there's a lot to recommend it as a lifestyle. But if you're hanging on in the expectation that he will change, that may be unfair on both of you. Maybe he'll never want to fling himself into full-on partnership, which doesn't mean he's broken, just that he wants something different (but, I would argue, perfectly legitimate) out of life. This is only a problem when both parties want something different and won't compromise.

[lovelylashes]

I think the fact that he is having counselling is a step towards understanding why he is the way he is and he tells me he doesn't want to be that way anymore.
He told me that he was going to counselling because his behaviours had caused previous relationships to fail and he didn't want that to happen again.
I want to give us a chance, I don't know if I would be happy with the relationship like this forever but would he be having counselling if he was happy either?