Why does my DH drive me nuts?

[anon121]

Ok im a regular but namechanger for this one incase he reads it.

My DH for the last couple of months has started to do this thing where either we are having an argument and he will raise his voice first, but then tell me not to shout (when im not) or he will say something that will annoy me (on purpose I think), then when i react in any way, he will tell me to calm down, then when I try say I am calm, he just tells me louder to stay calm (because obviouly by this point im getting riled up as he is telling me im not calm when I am)

What is his mission? Does he even know he does it? How can I make him stop?

[deepheat]

You can't know whether he knows whether he's doing it or not. So tell him he is doing it, ask him why, ask him if you can help at all, and - very importantly - ask him to stop.

Then ask him if he thinks you're doing the same.

[anon121]

He deny's he is doing it when I mention it

[Anniegetyourgun]

Gaslighting

[anon121]

I looked at gaslighting before I came on here, but I didnt think it was the same? Isnt that about denying things have happened, or been there etc?

[Anniegetyourgun]

He shouted at you then denied it, he said you were shouting when you weren't; fits the definition as far as I'm concerned. He's messing with your reality.

His mission, as you asked, is to change the subject. The discussion becomes all about who was shouting so you don't get to finish the original subject, which he doesn't want to talk about or was afraid he was going to lose the argument. With any luck you end up apologising for something you didn't do (but that he might have honestly perceived you to have done), just to keep the peace; and ultimately, you may end up not daring to argue at all. Thus his word becomes law.

OK, I wasn't there and I don't live inside your DH's head, but if I'm very far off the mark I shall be surprised. It may only be subconscious on his part, but it needs nipping in the bud.

[Mumbybumby]

Hmm my DP does exactly this and it is so frustrating! When he tells me to stop shouting/calm down I usually tell him that's his internal dialogue talking out loud and he should listen and then walk off.
I then wait for a bit to resume the conversation (if needed) so he can't avoid it - doesn't always work but at least I feel less frustrated.
Just read him your post and he at least admitted his guilt in doing this.

[anon121]

Thanks Annie, I didnt look at it that way, will give it some more thought. I feel like I have to have all my facts right about this before I confront him with it etc, in case im making a mountain out of nothing though. Got to pay more attention to what we are arguing about and whether we finish that argument.

Mumby, I feel your frustration - I will try the inner head thing next time he does it, and try walking away (though that really isnt a strong point of mine)

Dont want to read my post because then he will see about gaslighting, and it might give him ideas!

[anon121]

Dont want him to read my post

[Anniegetyourgun]

No, quite right!

[coffeeinbed]

Bugger, just read this!
Exactly what mine does and Annie, I think you might be absolutely right.
He is changing the subject and thus avoiding the original issue.

[Mumbybumby]

Walking away is not my strong point either and I suppose I am still being a little bit confrontational by saying it's his internal dialogue but doing that and walking away is a massive step for me as I used to just end up getting really frustrated and angry and then I'D look like the unreasonable one while he would just lower the tone of his voice again.
I wish i had some proper advice for you and really hope that you can sort this out anon121
Gaslighting looks familiar to me as well and I don't know about you anon121 but I do feel he is a pretty rubbish listener too - I'm forever repeating myself or having to wait until he has reacted to what he THINKS I'm going to say by correcting him with what I was ACTUALLY going to say. Again, this is so frustrating! Wishing you luck!

[StuffingGoldBrass]

The idea is to make you shut up, stop questioning him and be more submissive and obedient. Is that how you want to live?

[anon121]

Yep my DH is a rubbish listener too, never listens when I talk to him, unless I get him to repeat it (childish I know), and if I dont get him to repeat it, he denys the conversation even happened, even if he has agreed to it - but I dont think its intentional, he just doesnt listen and just says yeah yeah to whatever, or does like you say Mumby, and just hears what he wants to hear.

You see the thing is I dont think he does it intentionally, I dont think he is trying to drive me mad, he does it with his kids a bit too. It just seems to be the way his head thinks, he doesnt hear himself shouting, just my retaliation (I tend to keep my voice the same level as his, so he shouts, I shout back) so by the time I say im not shouting, I actually am, even tho i wasnt when he said it - jeez now we just sound childish!)

SGB - Thats never going to happen though, as my DM was very much like that with my F and I hated that she never stood up to him, so I probably stand up for myself more than probably necessary.