Confused - Help!

[neverhappy]

Bit of a strange one - have name change for obvious reasons. Just looking for an outside perspective, I can't talk to anyone in rl about it. Will tell it like it is, in a factual way.

Age 16 meet M and fall in love. We have a relationship through school and uni. We buy a house together. I am raped by an old school friend, D. M can't cope and begins abusing me. Doing to me every night what D did to me. This leads to him becoming physically abusive. Eventually I am persuaded to leave. Takes a further 3 years for him to stop hounding me and wanting to make another go of things.

I meet P. Don't fall in love but he is gentle and loving and kind. Get pregnant by mistake. Now bought a house together, got DD and a dog. Life should be perfect.

I miss M. I love M. I keep thinking about him, imagine us being together, wondering what he is up to. Looking him up on facebook, going through old love letters etc etc. Why?? Even I can see how wrong that is.

And I would hate to hurt P in any way, he has been so wonderful to me. Why do I feel like this.

[Darnsarfupnorf]

ow hun im sorry, i didnt want you to go unanswered but i dont really know what to say

do you think counseling could help? it might be worth a try, whats happened must have effected you badly xx

[NeatSoda]

Counselling is a must.

I have no experience in this but from an outsider's perspective I'd be careful about harming your relationship with P. The draw to M may well be a destructive magnetism due to unresolved and powerful issues.

P can't complete with the drama. Nor could anyone it would actually be healthy for you to be with.

That's just how it looks from here. But I think you must get some proper help.

[ItsGraceAgain]

What a horrible thing to have happened to you. How awful that, instead of supporting you, M continued the violence & abuse you'd suffered so shockingly. One thing sprang out from your post - you said M couldn't cope with the fact of your rape, as if this was what led to his abuse. This cannot possibly be true. Only rapists rape. M was a rapist before you met him (only you didn't know) and before D assaulted you. He is a rapist now.

It's very, very usual for rape victims to feel somehow ashamed - almost as if they brought it on themselves, even if that's obviously untrue. The media attitude doesn't help. Did you do any counselling after D's attack? I'm wondering whether you felt, on some level, that you deserved M's abuse - and are still feeling down on yourself for what happened, in need of some more 'punishment' iyswim.

This is all deep stuff and a counsellor can definitely help you. Explain to your GP, you should be able to get an NHS psych referral if funds are tight. You don't have to suffer like this.