Mumsnet Talk

My MIL has never given me or my husband a birthday present. She gives to our children but never us. Last week I had a "big" birthday and yet again, all I received was a card. My husband says this may be normal and perhaps most MILs don't give their adult offspring gifts. I am particularly annoyed as she was widowed last year and has had a conisderable amount of input from my husband over the last few months but she didn't even send him a birthday gift. I know she has plenty of money so I don't think it would have hurt her to send a small gift. She did give a generous Christmas gift to him/us. What experience do other people have?

I think adult gifts get a bit pointless tbh
unless it's cash
I think it's the kids that matter

Some people don't give any gifts to adults, only children up to the age of 18.

My MIL was not in the habit of doing much in the way of gifts (a lifetime of not being given much herself) but my family all are - and she is now enjoying buying us presents whenever she can!

Do you give her birthday presents?

My MIL started well by giving me a copy of Delia Smith's One is Fun cookery book! After that it became clear she was recycling gifts from last year or gave random charity shop stuff.

Why do you mind grape? Is she generous to other people? Do you feel just a card means she doesnt care about you?

My hubby gave her a box of chocs last year (against my wishes) because I felt we should treat her in the way she treats us, but he thought we should do the right thing and give her something. My family are completely different and give gifts to my OH and me, so I think I am judging MIL by the standards of my family. I am wondering what happens in other families.

Cards only to adults over 18 unless it is a special one or there is a party in my family

My Mil is on non speaks with us, but sends £20 in a card on our birthdays. We send her her favourite perfume which costs £80 but there is just one of her and three of us so it's fair.

If she didn't send gifts I would still send something. I like giving gifts and you shouldn't give to receive. It loses the meaning.

Your Mil sounds pretty reasonable to me. She was generous with you both at christmas and probably things she can't buy what you would like and doesn't believe in pointless tat.

Well if your DH thinks that giving birthday presents is the "right thing" to do, he had better ask his mother why she doesn't reciprocate with the "right thing".

My DH would happily never give or receive birthday presents again - he doesn't get the "right thing" concept at all - but yours does, he must have got that from somewhere!

Really? Wow, I thought it was only children who whined about not getting presents.

I do think it's the norm.
My MIL is very generous at
Christmas, but never usually gives DH or I birthday presents (she did once when we happened to be visiting on my birthday, but it was a perfume from her collection, not bought specially). She's always generous with the kids' birthdays.
I don't think you can reasonably expect people to make a fuss of birthdays when you're a grown up.

Thanks for all the comments. It has helped me sort out my head. I wasn't whining, just needed to get things in proportion and getting unbiassed comments from people completely out of the loop is useful. Seems there's no rule - everyone does things differently.

How lovely. How can I convince my family to stop buying me presents, too?

I thought you were going to say that your dh got presents but you didn't. If it is both of you, then fairynuff. But reciprocate. She may be trying to drop a hint, after all.

Just get her a card next time, hand it to her, and say how glad you are that she started the "not doing birthday gifts for adults" thing as you think it is so sensible.

Oi Kiki, I'm an only child and so is my son. My MIL doesn't buy me presents, and I have never expected one, so certainly don't moan about it. She has also occasionally forgotten my son's birthday, and even though he is only nine he knows its just because granny is a bit forgetful. Not all only children are brats you know.

glasto I think Kiki meant it was simply children and not adults who whined. Not single, only children.

I agree about that though, my ds is an only and far from spoiled.

I am/was staggered that MILs buy gifts for their DILs.

But then this year MIL totally out of the blue sent me flowers for my birthday

I don't get them and I am really not bothered in the slightest.

"My hubby gave her a box of chocs last year (against my wishes) because I felt we should treat her in the way she treats us"

I found this sad

She spoils your kids and (I hope) is a nice grandmother to them. That's more valuable than gifts.

It was against your wishes for your husband to give HIS mother a box of chocolates? Do you realise how awful this makes you sound? I would have given you short shrift if I'd been your partner. How dare you?

You sound really grabbing and completely money-orientated. For the sake of your children, please try to curb it because it's easy to sour a relationship for something so trivial, and it will be your children who suffer and your partner resentful of you for causing it.

Yeah, sorry. I meant 'just children', not 'only-children'.

DH doesn't even receive a card from his parents on his birthday . This year they gave me a card full of sentimental twitterings. I was so angry. They are a spiteful pair.

However when they snubbed their son and stopped speaking to him I decided to save my money and tears and ignore their birthdays. I help the kids choose a card and send it to them but that's it.

The only person I buy birthday presents for is my DP. And as it is important for him, I participate in buying his nephews' ones too. Mandatory birthday presents for adults is a bit precious IMO.

Were you never taught "it's better to give than receive"?
can't believe you expect a present!

My mother wouldn't think to buy my DH a birthday gift. His parents buy them for me.

Grapejuice I think it's always a bit confusing if your partner's family do things completely differently to the way yours do.

Shortly after we were married, dh and I went to spend Easter with his parents. My family do Easter Eggs for children only. His do presents - not chocolate, but proper presents. And dh didn't tell me - and didn't get presents, either. So there we were, accepting these gifts from MIL and PIL, with nothing to give back .

My Ils are forrin. They don't buy gifts for adults for birthday or Xmas. They sign cards "Ma & Pa", no kisses or nothing!

They are nice though, not ungenerous. MIL got me a gift last time she visited of a stick with hedgehogs made out of seed pod things with goggle eyes and two nightlight candles on it. Its completely mad and awful so its on display in my living room because I thought it was so sweet of her.

I'd sent her some ceramic chickens so maybe that was why. Maybe she's on foreign Mumsnet right now laughing about my ceramic chicken gift.

Tealights even! Don't want anyone taking candles to bed - safety and all that.