How do you cope with the anger after separation?

[poolet]

Exh & I separated over a year ago. DCs are grown up but still live with me in the family home.

Split was reasonably amicable although ex admits he was more at fault. He had a couple of affairs during the marriage but that's not why we eventually split.

For some reason none of his family or extended family will now have anything to do with me and this hurts very much. They were my family too, for years.

I feel puzzled, bewildered, hurt and very angry.

Someone obviously decided I wasn't good enough to keep in touch with and I wonder if someone has told them lies about me. DH has AS and gets very confused sometimes so it's possible he has misled them, but he isn't intentionally spiteful.

Now FIL has died and I'd like to attend the funeral, but I've been told in no uncertain terms that I wouldn't be welcome. One of my DCs is going and I have mixed feelings about that because she wasn't at all close to her grandad, but she says she's going to support her dad.

I'm seething with frustration over this and the unfairness of it all.

Any ideas as to how I can come to terms with this? I thought it was going to be so easy once ex & I split but I feel such anger towards him and his family and tbh it's stopping me from moving on.

Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading.

[WherecanIhide]

Sorry this has gone unanswered.

Do you have any idea why his family won't have contact with you? I supose 'blood is thicker than water'. Have you tried contacting any of them to find out?

[mrsshapelybottom]

I have toyed with the idea of letting my ex's family know why we seperated too, but in the end I decided to let it go - I felt a lot of anger because my MIL assumed the split was because of the pressures of a young family etc......I felt upset that people would think I gave up on my marriage so easily.

I still feel angry sometimes...I don't know what the answer is, time maybe?

[smileymam]

Hi there i felt great anger for the first year after seperation up until i got divorced, now i have no feelings of anger or anything else towards him, my children were fairly young, and he,s a better dad now than then he was living with us. You will feel angry for a long time, but all of a sudden you will realise you are happier, and enjoying your life and the anger will dissapear. I have managed to stay on very good terms with my in laws, but they know the whole picture. i would let the inlaws know, but it seems like they have already made up thier minds about the whole situation.
hope this helps a little bit

[tinkerbell41]

my ex family have nothing wotsoever to do with me since we split...not one of them not even my sil who was my bridesmaid and close friend....i still get a bit angry too but tend to let it go as my life compicated enough without worrying bout them...can they stop you gpoing to funeral if you need to pay your respects???you could simply slip in at back of service and leave straight away???

[poolet]

Thank you so much for all your replies - I thought people might think I was just a self-pitying wimp who needs to get a grip!

Actually I haven't got in touch with any of the in-laws, I just took my ex's word for it that none of them want to see me, and it's just occurred to me that he might be the one wanting to keep me away from them .

Perhaps I over-think this

Who knows? I think I could cope better if my DCs didn't want anything to do with their dad, but they have quite a good, if not very close relationship with him - and his family come with him as a package I suppose. Yes, blood's thicker than water but my family are firmly on the fence and have nothing against my ex.

I'm sorry others are feeling like this too, it's a horrible complication of separation and hopefully with time it can only get better.

Thank you all again so much for taking the time to reply x

[ILovedYou]

How you deal with anger?

I am still trying to 2 years on and does not help that every guy i met sonce has also been a lieing, cheating game playing pig

oh and

selfish

[pickgo]

Could you write a letter saying exactly how you feel? May be not send it, just get the anger out a bit?
Think you're right, your inlaws may not know anything about the break up, just what your ex has told them and may feel as bewildered as you about the lack of contact.
OTOH they might feel too conflicted to maintain a relationship and of course they have to support your ex when push comes to shove.

[elephantsaregreen]

I was also going to suggest that you could write the family a lovely condolence letter or card. and there isn't really anything stopping you from calling one of the more empathetic family members and just explaining how you feel and asking them direct questions about the situation.

Often it's worse to guess.

[poolet]

pickgo, yes that's what I'm beginning to think, and yes they probably can't be arsed are feeling too conflicted. The fact that they live quite far away doesn't help either, but at least there's no danger of bumping into them in the street .

ILovedYou but - I have no intentions of getting involved with someone else. Coping with myself is hard enough.

[poolet]

Oh, and when my Dad died, ex MIL sent me a card - which just said 'Condolences' - she must have searched for hours to find one with such a cold message.

I haven't sent a card to her but I did write an email to my ex when I learned about FIL's death expressing my sympathy & asking him to pass on my condolences to his mum.

I wonder if he did,now.