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Relationships

Tomorrow is going to be awkward (mil)

25 replies

blackeyedsusan · 15/01/2011 00:09

Where do I start? In some ways it all sounds so trivial, but the hurt went deep. Arrangements over the wedding (7 years ago for goodness sake) were strained to say the least and by the time we got married I was so hurt by pils that I could not bear to look at them.

Dh didn't help by agreeing stuff with me then going to see his mum and completely backtracking. If he had stood up to them then and told them that this is what we had agreed, then maybe it wouldn't have got so upsetting. They are not people who take no for an answer easily and dh has always done his best to fit in with them. I think it was a surprise for them to find that I wouldn't arrange a wedding in three months to save his sibling flying back from abroad, and took a leisurely(?) 6 months to arrange it.

He couldn't see why I was hurt, partly because he wasn't in the room when some things were said or listening to phone calls. Nor can he see his part in it and just says (has always said) I should just get over it and forgive. (demanding forgiveness with no acknowledgment of the hurt probably has kept the situation festering) I got upset at his lack of understanding and said how I felt about his parents bluntly, very bluntly and got kicked in the shins. This also has led to the hurt continuing.

Anyway, we deal with meeting his parents by meeting on neutral territory as every time we meet I get upset and meeting at our/their house is more stressful and more likely to cause an arguement or even him lashing out. It is not good for the children to see/ hear us shouting, and by meeting on neutral territory we minimise this and can get away with a generally grumpy Mummy but not a shouty Mummy.

Unfortunately, no-one has explained this to mil and she is getting upset. She asked us to stay with them when we visit both sets of parents, but we have already swapped to going for day visits as it is just one to two hours drive and we no longer stay at my parents. Despite wanting to say no immediately I listened to their suggestions. They were impractical even if I got on with pil. Next time they brought it up I politely said that it was too much work to stay and that we do day visits now. I, probably impolitely, passed quickly over the invite to lunch when we were planning Christmas visits.

Mil has rung up dh tonight and asked him to ask me to go to their house. (Not unreasonable of mil to be fair) I said no to dh because it causes so much stress, but he wouldn't let it drop and we have rowed, (no violence, he is improving in some ways) We are due to see them tomorrow and it is going to be really awkward. I am terrible at saying things diplomatically, panic and get all flustered. I suspect they already think that I am the dil from hell, but don't care what they think from a distance knowing what I know about dh, it's what to say face to face that worries me especially after an out right request.

Sorry, I think I needed to get some of that out of my system. ther is a lot more I could say but have gone on long enough. Wish me luck for tomorrow.

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defineme · 15/01/2011 00:16

Does your dh hit you?

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/01/2011 00:20

I think a lot of men remain 'little boys' forever when it comes to dealing with their parents. Even if your DH didn't understand that a wedding can't be arranged within hours - and that you didn't want to be stressed to arrange it sooner - he obviously knows that there is a problem with your relationship with his parents.

There's probably a lot of stuff in your history with them that you haven't posted, years of slights and nagging doubts as to whether something was meant to offend or not.

Do you think there would be any benefit to you in:

  • Jotting down the top five issues that really are bugging you.

  • Looking at them and deciding what behaviour or action - related to each issue - that you will accept as a bare minimum.

  • Writing down for each issue, what you absolutely will not tolerate under any circumstances.

  • Sitting down with your DH and getting him to read through it, asking you for explanations if he doesn't understand something.


    You're right in that you have to protect the relationships involved for the sake of your children; they wouldn't understand and they shouldn't be aware of what's going on.

    Your DH needs to agree to present a united front with you based on what you agree with him, no diversions or back-tracking. Perhaps if his parents can see that there is no more dithering from his side, they will back off a little and you can start building a relationship based on what's ok for you as well.

    Good luck for tomorrow... not easy, I know.
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ChippingIn · 15/01/2011 00:20

Sometimes it's hard to know where to start.

Why are you with him?

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msboogie · 15/01/2011 00:21

A kick in the shins? Violence?

I am stunned you think your mil is the problem when you are living with a violent man!!

Why on earth do you stay with him? Are you not worried about the harm to your children?

oh Lord.

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annh · 15/01/2011 00:22

When I read your post I thought the mention of being kicked in the shins was metaphorical, but from your later comments, I think not. If yup have suffered from DV, your IL's reactions to you should be the least of your worries. I think you should forget about them and get rid of your abusive husband.

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COCKadoodledooo · 15/01/2011 00:30

My relationship with fil improved no end after I told him to fuck off Grin

Not suggesting you should stoop to my level of course. Good luck.

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/01/2011 00:32

I completely missed any suggestion of violence? :(

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blackeyedsusan · 15/01/2011 00:34

No, good and proper bruised for a week kick in the shins, and yes I am a prat to have stayed, but in commen with a lot of people let it slide thinking that it would get better, if I hadn't done this etc... Unfortuntely it got a lot worse...but he has done a very long specialised course re dv and has made major improvements, but is still on "probation". (Exit plan nearly in place just in case) The fact that he wasn't violent. tonight shows he has made some improvements and is going in the right direction

Actually, I don't think it is mil that is the problem, it is his attitude to his mother.

and bloomin' nora you lot read quick!

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perfumedlife · 15/01/2011 00:40

I can't work out why you are so angry and againt the pil other than the wedding remark, which was seven years ago.





What do you dislike so much? To feel so strongly that you refuse to stay ought to translate in to having the courage of your convictions and telling them upfront what the issue is.

As you say, I rather suspect your dh is more the problem here and how he has not dealt with them.

As for kicking you Angry Glad you have an exit strategy if required.

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MadamDeathstare · 15/01/2011 00:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 15/01/2011 00:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingIn · 15/01/2011 00:49

I'm glad you made him get help and I'm glad you have an exit strategy (almost) in place.

I don't really understand the PIL problem either. I think I'n still processing the fact that your H treats you like this :( and yet your thread is about tomorrow being awkward with the PIL's. Frankly, I think they need putting in the picture about what he's been doing to you all these years!

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Stac2011 · 15/01/2011 00:57

think i'm at the same point as op's cant understand the problem with pil's. Does the dv increase when you have to meet up with them? Is that why you were surprised he didnt hit you when you refused to stay overnight?

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blackeyedsusan · 15/01/2011 00:57

I can't work out why I am so cross after 7 years either, although it is probably to do with dh rather than pil, my Dad had strong words and mil sent a nice apology. I just hate going to see them, but when we are with them, it is polite enough, can't work it out, which is why I think it is dh aand probably displaced. I remember geting pissed off with sil even though she had't actually done anything, it was dh's attitude.Again. (Tried not to communicte the pissed-offedness to sil.)

The dv was hidden til the police got involved and social services. It stopped for a while, but restarted. He eventually took himself off to a dv course and things have improved.

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YeahBut · 15/01/2011 01:11

It seems to be less about your PIL, than the fact that your DH undermines you and puts their wishes ahead of yours.

This would be tricky enough to sort out without the DV element. It's probably easier for you to be angry at them rather than with your DH because they're not likely to hit you. Similarly, are you really meeting on neutral territory to keep the peace with the in-laws or manage your DH's anger in a "public" place where he is less likely to lash out at you.

What would happen if you actually said to your PIL, it's hard to organise times to see you because it usually results in D(!)H and I having an argument that ends up in him hitting me.

Whilst I'm glad that he has enough insight into his own behaviour to accept help, I'm always a bit sceptical about "reformed" wife-beaters. Stay safe.

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blackeyedsusan · 15/01/2011 01:12

When dad found out from mum he was all for telling them, unfortunately things are complicated as mil is v ill, we thought she wouldn't live. We visited their home for a long afternoon. (teeth gritted)

They are ok with dc's. Mil would prefer to do more play things with them, and so would I. Dh like "nice" food too much to go to play places. hmm pattern emerging?

Unfortunately, him having dc's is difficult, being the "risky" parent. If I was confident that he would feed them, give them drinks, take them to the loo/ change nappies and watch out for their safety it would be a solution. ss left me with the responsibility and I am erring on the side of caution. Only just beginning to leave dc's with dh after he has been on a parenting course, and then only for drs visits or short periods, usually whilst ds is asleep and less likely to get up to no good. This of course means less opotunity rto relieve stress.

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YeahBut · 15/01/2011 01:37

I'm really at a loss as to why you're with him if you're too worried about your children's safety and basic needs being met to leave them with him, he has ongoing anger issues and a history of DV.
Why do you stay?

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Stac2011 · 15/01/2011 01:47

imo your dh calls the shots with everyone. You say your mil would like to do more play things as would you but it doesnt happen due to dh.

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perfumedlife · 15/01/2011 01:53

If there is doubt over his abilty to safely care for his own kids, I really think you and the children would be better off without him.

Maybe you are angry with the parents for raising such a male. He sounds domineering, they sound uptight, and you sound like your life is one big compromise.

Real love and life shouldn't be this much hard work. Partners are supposed to enhance and enrich our lives. He isn't.

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MommyMayhem · 15/01/2011 03:27

I really don't think your PIL have done anything wrong. So there was some trivial nonsense over the wedding. Isn't there always?

The problem is with your DH. I always think there is something inherently selfish about women with children who stay with violent partners. You need to put your kids first - and get out!

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CupcakesHay · 15/01/2011 03:49

I'd say give it one more try with the PIL and go to their house and see how it is. might not be as bad as you think it is - and if it is, then NEVER do it again.

i think most of this problem stems from your DH being a bit of a parents-boy - and I'm sure the PILs think the sun shines out of his arse, when it clearly doesn't.

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BaggedandTagged · 15/01/2011 03:49

Do your PIL know about the DV/ the course etc?

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MadAboutQuavers · 15/01/2011 04:36

Susan, I think your anger and fear are completely misplaced.

Sounds to me like you are angry with your PIL's because they don't know their beloved son is/has been an utter twat.

They continue in the belief that all is rosy, and that any issue in your marriage is down to you and not their beloved son. Your resentment of them for this is not totally fair, is it?

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atswimtwolengths · 15/01/2011 10:18

Why are you still with this man?

How can you live with someone that you can't trust to care for your children?

How can you live with someone who has physically hurt you?

He sounds like a real bully. I hope he is overcoming his violence, but I can't say I'd be able to trust him.

Your in-laws sound like the least of your problems. If I were you I would tell them exactly what has been going on - I think that's the real problem, that you have to pretend to them that everything's ok.

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dearprudence · 15/01/2011 10:37

You don't mention anything unpleasant/unreasonable/difficult that your PIL have done since the wedding 7 years ago. Can you really not move on from this? They could be a good support to you and your children.

Agree with others who say that the big problem here is your husband.

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