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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I love my husband dearly. But...

17 replies

Imhotep · 14/01/2011 18:43

I just don't fancy him anymore. We have been together for twelve years and married for ten. Neither of us is drop dead gorgeous, and obviously we did not find each other repugnant or our relationship would never have got off the ground. (I read somewhere about knowing whether you like someone in the first three minutes or something?) Anyway - I fell for him because he adores me, he is kind, funny, reliable, responsible, trustworthy...and has turned out to be fantastic father. We have a wonderful children, a great family life, we both enjoy our jobs, and have lovely holidays. I could never, ever consider leaving him, or having an affair.

But, I just do not fancy him AT ALL and I think he would be so hurt if he knew and it is tearing me apart. He is not fat, or very unnatractive, and, I know this is a cliche but I think of him more like a brother, and I get a bit embarrased when we have sex - like we are doing something wrong. i dont want to do anything other than wham bam, because it just feels wrong and I get self conscious. I just want to get it over and done with as soon as possible. I feel so bloody guilty. I never look at him and think, 'whoar, take me.' I just look at him and think 'aww, bless'.

I don't really know why I am posting this, except that I can't imagine the rest of my life feeling like this about him - we are only in our thirties - but I could never, ever hurt him.

OP posts:

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tallwivglasses · 14/01/2011 19:57

I think it's quite sweet that you think 'aww, bless'. At least it's not 'yuck'!

You did fancy him once, so you need to find that spark again (I'm sure there's threads on this?)

How old are your dc? Have you gone off sex, or just sex with him?

'I fell for him because he adores me' - does he still show that?

If he's funny, how about a bit of laughter in the bedroom? Works wonders imo.

tallwivglasses · 14/01/2011 21:01

Oh shit I think I killed your thread, Imhotep.

BUMP!

bnm · 14/01/2011 21:11

like tallwivglasses said you need to get that spark back and work on it a little. I could have written what you have and I went through what you are going through. DH is wonderful and because I love him etc etc it wasn't hard once I accepted the way I was feeling and knew that I didn't want to feel that way anymore. As a result I have gone through your "phase" i hope you wont see that as belittling your feelings as that is how I see it now. Another phase in our relationship one where I just got a little too settled and didn't bother with myself or dh.

See tallwivglasses you haven't killed the thread but I probably have

tallwivglasses · 14/01/2011 21:40

Okay, bnm, we're competing here - unless op comes back?

(let's hope she's taken our advice already )

CarGirl · 14/01/2011 21:45

If dh and I haven't had sex for a while I feel awkward and embarrassed. The solution seems to be having sex more regularly.

Not sure if that helps you are not.

I think the more you think there is no spark there won't be but if you think more positively that you are attracted to him and that you love it's more likely that you'll rediscover it again.

tallwivglasses · 14/01/2011 22:29

That's sound advice from Car Girl.

bnm · 14/01/2011 22:34

my competitive streak will not allow you to be the killer of this thread tallwivglasses |Hopefully op will find our efforts cargirl's too of some help.

ChippingIn · 14/01/2011 22:38

Did you ever fancy him and think 'whoar take me' or have you only ever felt 'aww bless'?

blackeyedsusan · 14/01/2011 22:39

What contraceptives are you taking?

I ask because I changed which pill I was taking recently and suddenly things have errr improved. You could check with your dr if they affect your libido.

CarGirl · 14/01/2011 22:43

An extra glass of wine helps as well if you're not relaxed

emmyloulou · 14/01/2011 22:49

TBH, it does not sound like you ever really fancied him.....you fell for him as he was the stable kind of good all round guy?

If the attraction has never really been there in that way, it's not like you can recapture it.

I don't know what to say tbh as I think in a relationship like that, it can't come back as it was never there and you chose to make do or not ifyswim.

Bumblequeen · 14/01/2011 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Imhotep · 15/01/2011 00:25

Thank you all.

Back on - a bit late, but was catching up with Corrie on iPlayer after putting the kids to bed!

DH has had a vasectomy, so I am not on any pills...

Honestly? I don't think I ever really 'fancied' him. Well, not like an ex I had who I literally went weak at the knees for, (but who knew it, was an absolute b@stard to me and I never knew where I was with him.) When I met DH it was more a feeling of coming home - meeting the right one, safety, and a warm feeling of being loved and treasured. Yes, he didn't tick the 'and handsome' box...but it didn't seem to matter then so why now? Sometimes I have looked at his profile in bed, and thought...hmmm...but most of the time I simply don't fancy him. I don't know how else to explain it. Oh I don't know. I just thought it would be a bit more passionate than this.

or should I dream on.

(Imhotep..The Mummy. LOL)

OP posts:

Meow75 · 15/01/2011 00:28

Passion doesn't just hang ther, in a relationship, waiting to be taken. It has to be created!!

So create!!!

ChippingIn · 15/01/2011 11:18

I am getting splinters on my bum :)

Part of me thinks you can't turn slippers into high heels - they are what they are...

However, there's no harm in trying to feel differently. I think it wouldn't hurt to try the following...

Feel sexy yourself and I mean, properly sexy - whatever that takes for you, exercise, have your hair done, wear nice clothes - feel generally attractive & sexy (I don't mean don a nurses outfit).

Do nice things together - share a bottle of wine, put some nice music on, talk... don't be all corrie & comfy slippers.

Fantasise a bit and get yourself in the mood.

Tell him what you'd like him to do to you in a good fantasy way, not in a 'little more to the left' kind of way.

Have more sex - it's true, the more you are having the more you want.

After all this time and a couple of kids, it's not going to suddenly become passionate without some help!

I am sure others will be along with even better suggestions, I'm not at my best at this time of the day on no sleep! I'm definitely feeling more 'corrie & slippers' this morning!!

tallwivglasses · 15/01/2011 22:59

Oh Imhot - I think you should take ChippingIn's advice!

(thanks for yours, btw x)

tallwivglasses · 15/01/2011 23:23

Oh and wanted to add this yesterday -

'I fell for him because he adores me, he is kind, funny, reliable, responsible, trustworthy...and has turned out to be fantastic father. We have a wonderful children, a great family life, we both enjoy our jobs, and have lovely holidays.

I've never had a bloke who was all that. I DO see what you're getting at but I'm kind of envious

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