Mother's spiky little comments -- can anyone advise me on a calm, dignified response?

[roundwindow]

I have an OK but not fantastic relationship with my parents. Basically my mum's a powerful and pretty intense lady having survived, by her own admission, an emotionally screwed-up childhood. I'm the youngest of four siblings and my mum is by far the most powerful person in our family, to the extent that I think it's got in the way of my siblings and I being able to maintain close relationships. I'm not as close to my parents as my siblings and often feel a bit like the proverbial 'black sheep' and the object of 'fond' riducle amongst my family. And yet in many ways my parents have been lovely and supportive of me, and they continue to help out plenty and my DCs adore them.

But when she's in one of her spiky moods, my mum can be quite unkind. My Dad is usually the one on the receiving end of this, not an entirely healthy basis for a relationship IMO but they seem to thrive on this dynamic and couldn't be without each other.

But I'm often left feeling really angry and let down as a result of one or other of my mum's little digs at me. They're frequent enough to be at least every time I speak to her and are usually said in such a casual way that it'd be quite difficult to pull her up on them, iyswim. She'll make little statements in passing about the sort of person I am. It's hard to think of examples without sounding a bit pathetic but essentially the message is always one of quite harsh criticism disguised as offering insight.

After a year or so of therapy, I'm feeling much better about myself than I ever have. I'm able to recognise and reject some of the less-than-helpful stories about myself I was brought up with. So I can see what's happening here is that I'm frightened of cracking along old fault lines.

I just wonder if any of you can share similar experiences and how you deal with it. Part of me thinks the best thing is to just leave it, understand that it's her stuff not mine and say nothing. But as I say, I'm always left with such uncomfortable feelings that I'm wondering if I'm letting myself down by staying quiet and if it might be time to start standing up for myself a little bit. And if so, what's a good way to respond without fuelling the fire?

any ideas or similar experiences most welcome.

[madonnawhore]

Have you ever challenged her on it at all? Like, when she says something like "well that's the kind of person you are", or whatever, have you ever asked her why she just made that statement and asked her to qualify it?

[roundwindow]

that would be the logical response, but with her I'd worry that I'm just setting myself up as a target for more of her less-than-favourable opinions of me.

See it's really hard because whenever anyone challenges her on anything (and I have once or twice on stuff to do with the DCs, for example) she goes completely tearful and melodramatic and wounded and refuses to take responsibility for her part in things 'it wasn't meant as a criticism, why does everyone want to make me the villain, I'm being attacked from nowhere!' sort of thing.

That's why I'm looking for a for a response where I can feel I've defended myself but in a way where I could in no way be accused of 'attacking' her.

I just want her to get the message, somehow, that it's not at all OK for her to say unkind things to me any more.

[madonnawhore]

I understand, but I don't mean 'challenge' in a confrontational way, I mean in a kind of "what do you mean?" sort of way.

So if she said "You've always been a bit selfish", have you ever said something in response like, "What do you mean?" or "In what way?". Not confronting her but genuinely asking how she's arrived at that opinion. If anyone ever says something shitty about me, or anything really, I'll always ask them why they think that and quite often, once their opinion is under the microscope for examination, they can't really explain why they think that. Usually it's a case of their projecting their own negative self image onto you.

If someone said to me that I was "Always really negative about things" for example, I know in myself that that statement is patently untrue but I'd naturally want to know in what way they perceived that as manifesting itself.

Do you know what I mean?

[roundwindow]

Yes, I think so Maybe I'll give it a go. At least it'll get her to 'own' her opinion, rather than getting away with stating it in passing as if it's simple fact. Thank you.

[madonnawhore]

Yes, ownership is a good word. I bet it makes her uncomfortable.

Try it and let us know how you get on. You don't need to battle her so much as just hold a mirror up to her.

[Pancakeflipper]

Are you my sister? My mother is similiar. She doesn't do praise - she criticises.

I think the trick is to be calm (Well externally at least). And say something like

" I disagree with that"
"....and I really never understand why you want to say something so hurtful to me like that when I know you love me very much."

Or giggle and say " oh mum, you do make me laugh." if its something you can make out she's being ridiculous with.

You just have to keep remembering... It's about her not you.

[roundwindow]

Brrrrrr

One day, I've promised myself, I really will be that assertive.

Where can I buy a teflon coat?!

[Frizzbonce]

I had a 'friend' who sounds a bit like your mother. She would drop little stinging remarks every now and then that would pull the rug from under me. For a long time I couldn't put my finger on why I always felt faintly depressed after seeing her.

Then one day I started writing these comments down. And bloody hell did they add up. Like the way someone who is being bullied at work is asked to keep a diary, snippy remarks in isolation make you think 'oh it's nothing - don't make a fuss' but put together they build up a picture. So I would suggest you write down the comments, so you have a record. If she accuses you of 'being selfish' for example, ask her for specifics. When were you selfish? Give an example.

And if she accuses you of being 'over sensitive' (this is often used by bullies) then you respond as calmly as you can and do the When you . . . I feel technique. When you call me selfish without giving a specific example, it really hurts my feelings/fucks me off/makes me want to hit you with an axe (delete as appropriate)

Oh and my friend's comments were along the lines of describing my acute PND as 'feeling a bit sorry for yourself' and my degree as 'a bit of a waste really,' oh and laughing when a creepy bloke followed me down the street. 'He must have thought you were a prostitute!' Amazing how destructive and nasty it is when you put all those little off the cuff remarks together. Try it with your mum.

And good luck!

[MirandaGoshawk]

Same as the Teflon coating really - a friend advised me to 'put armour on' whenever I spoke to my mum. It made me feel a bit at a distance, and heled em feel less vulnerable.

My mum is very good at dishing out unwanted advice. One day when Mum was telling me how I ought to do something, her way being the only/best way, instead of just being passive I said 'Actually I'm going to do this... because...'And she actually admitted that my way was better! That was a breakthrough, & now I just let her advice wash over me.

Good luck, and Put Your Armour On!

[MirandaGoshawk]

heled em?? Helped me!

[JosieRosie]

My mother is a lot like OPs and I also put my armour on before I speak to/see her. She always knows best, it's her way or the high way and no-one can ever EVER know more about something than she does. She's never ever wrong either She's very quick to make negative comments and also comments which sound quite innocent to someone outside the family, but come with loads of baggage to me and are extremely belittling and hurtful

Psychotherapy is currently changing my entire life for the better and that's no exaggeration. I fully agree with other posters who say this is 'her stuff' and not 'your stuff' and you can't control what she says but you can certainly control how you respond! I highly recommend seeing a therapist OP. Apart from that, I like the suggestion about forcing her to take responsiblity for her nastiness by questioning 'what do you mean?' or 'why did you say that?'. You probably won't get any kind of satisfactory answer but it will definitely make her squirm. More importantly, it will send the clear message that you are not prepared to just soak up whatever she's dishing out.

And of course remember this is not your fault! It's ultimately her problem, she may very well be jealous of you (hence the negative remarks) and in some ways, the best revenge is living well and being happy. Good luck

[roundwindow]

Thanks so much, JosieRosie, and everyone else. totally agree with you about psychotherapy, it's helping me massively. In fact, I think it's what's led me to recognise that she's doing this at all, rather than just hear it and absorb it and let it inform how I see myself, iyswim. Horaaaay

[maledetta]

I found calling my father on his comments tremendously empowering. For example, any time I have ever cooked anything for him, he has criticised it. I notice he also does the same with my Sil- her wonderful Christmas lunch, which she cooked whilst suffering from the flu, wasn't good enough for him (although he didn't say that to her face...).

The last time I made the family lunch, he made a snippy comment about the quiche not being served warm, and I called him on it- asked him why he was always so critical about my cooking.

Small example, but just the act of standing up to him made me feel 10ft. tall.

[toomanystuffedbears]

Like everthingchangeseverything's response, another one might be,
"That's offensive."
Just a statement of fact.

It sounds like she is keeping you in your place to maintain her 'superiority status' over you.

Or, just guessing, for all that she does for you, does she feel that she is entitled to treat you that way?

No matter the reason, it is still hurtful. And I agree with the others in that these belittling behaviors are about her, not you. You are an easy target because she knows so much about you.

If it gets too intolerable, speak with your feet and exit the scene.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

i have several sisters on this thread - my mother is the same. Especially the bit when she gets all 'wounded' when you pull them up on it.

Also the black sheep re jokey commenst all the time, It gets you down.

My mum used to call me Fat Arse (I am far from fat, and as she was a former anorexic it was particularly chilling) and various names such as ginger twat etc. All 'joking'

When I met DP he was staggered at how I let someone ridicule me - even my brother (aged 16) took the mick following her example.

I started pulling her up on it. I said 'I don't want to be called that', she would do the whole 'overreactiong, only a joke, get a sense of humour' crap and then get abusive, ask me to leave the house, refuse to talk to me, bad mouth me to dd and my brother etc.

It wears you down. But don't think you have to out up with emotional leeches like this.

Maybe I am not the best person to offer advice as I no longer have a relationship with my mother anyway, but you say she is loving. She needs to know though that you will not put up with this kind of baloney any longer.

Small steps, and zero tolerance, just calmly pull her up when she is being spiteful.

Good luck.

[jacquiel]

I have a mother like this!
I live the other end of the country to her and am an only child. When i had kids i knew i didnt want them seeing a lot of her becasue of how she is and the negative effect it would have on them (when we had dd2 she said what a shame she had ginger hair and always treats her very negatively - dd has always known that gm doesnt like her) I had a bit of a breakdown when kids were in the middle years of primary, and confronted her about it, she totally cut me off - told dh if we split up she would support him and not me, apparantly told him she had cut me out of her will, we didnt talk for many years, but then did start about 3 years ago and see each other sometimes. She had a fall just before xmas and told the hospital that the neighbours were her next of kin, told me when i spoke to her not to visit, and if i did, i couldnt stay in the house. She is getting on my tits, but i feel guilty still as she is old and i am the only child!
I think it is a control thing on their part.

[roundwindow]

Thanks all. Definitely something in it that she's keeping me in my place/needing to retain a superior status. Brrrr. Next time it happens (won't be long, I'm sure) I am determined to grow a pair and try out your brilliant suggestions. And I'll be back to let you know how I get on.

[Loobyloo1902]

Yep I think we're sisters too! One friend called her mother's remarks "emotional depth charges", they're dropped and sometimes don't go off for a bit hence why it's terribly frustrating when you don't have an immediate response to twang back at her.

My mum used to be of a similar ilk until one day she made me cry after a comment about my thighs looking fat. I think my heaving, pregnant sobs shook her, followed up by a good talking to from me half an hour later when I'd collected myself about how this was about her self esteem and why we needed to pull together. Since then she's gone to some lengths to be really nice and I do appreciate her efforts.

One poor friend of mine, who is beautiful and slim as a rake, still talks of the day her mum told her she had fat calves (when pregnant). I can hear it in her voice how much it still hurts her. My heart aches for all the wounding that goes on when mum's wish they were their daughters still.