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Advice needed on 'mediating' two divorcing friends - HELP

11 replies

mistressploppy · 31/12/2010 09:25

They are coming round today for lunch and to try and 'talk'. The situation is getting crazy as they are so angry with each other and dropping the kids off at each other's houses is tending to turn into a fiasco each time.

Can anyone give me some advice on helping them to start communicating with each other? Or just helping? They've tried marriage guidance and it didn't help, the divorce is proceeding, it's a big sad mess

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malinkey · 31/12/2010 09:28

Perhaps you could suggest they go and see a professional mediator. Sounds like a potential minefield for you to be in this position and it's hard for you to be impartial!

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mistressploppy · 31/12/2010 09:30

Yes, I think you might be right, I'll see if I can convince them to do that. In the meantime, is it just best to try not to judge and say as little as possible?

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malinkey · 31/12/2010 09:37

Whose idea was it for them to talk to you? I guess your job in this situation is to let both of them articulate their concerns without spiralling into another argument.

What about letting them both have a turn to speak while the other one has to listen and isn't able to interrupt then you could summarise back to them what they've said. You might be able to come up with a list of particular problems that need to be addressed for them to move on. Maybe they could then think about how they could address them themselves before having another conversation or going to see a mediator?

I have no idea if this is how it's done or if that would help. I know I would find it difficult to do with friends!

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mistressploppy · 31/12/2010 09:42

Thanks Malinkey, that's refreshed some memories of a counselling course I did many years ago.

I am friends with both of them but have been speaking more to the woman so am naturally leaning towards her, so I'm not properly impartial and I'm aware that's not fair

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lucykate · 31/12/2010 09:46

agree with maliknkey, this will be a minefield. my advice is don't try and mediate. i got too involved in a friends break up, was asked to offer advice and it bit me on the ass. she had been lying, and once the whole truth came out, my advice was bad, very bad.

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malinkey · 31/12/2010 09:47

Yes, and I would find it really hard not to be judgemental if I was more on one person's side which is why I think someone impartial could deal with it more easily. What if your friend wants you to back her up against her ex? Or they want you to agree how unreasonable the other one is being?

I guess you just have to try and make it a formal situation and spell out that you're not there to judge them or take sides.

Anyway, good luck!

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malinkey · 31/12/2010 09:48

And avoid giving them advice.

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mistressploppy · 31/12/2010 09:49

Yikes - ok Lucykate, duly noted and I will avoid giving advice.

I have always said that I won't keep secrets and any conversation I have with either of them, I would be happy for the other to hear.

But I think I'll back off as much as they'll let me

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llareggub · 31/12/2010 09:51

Just stay out of it. No one will benefit from you being involved, however nice and supportive you think you are being.

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chimchar · 31/12/2010 09:58

can you act as sort of chairperson for the meeting... try to avoid discussing who said what and why. and then he said this, because she did that etc...

try and have a point to the meeting...ie. how can we make the pick up and drop off of the kids nicer for everyone...and you try to keep things on track iykwim? i don't know if it will work...you're a good friend for trying!