Would really appreciate any comments on DH's behaviour

[Tippity]

I would really appreciate some advice about this. I don?t know if I am just being hugely over sensitive or not.

DH and I have been together for 5 years. We both have children from previous marriages and we have one DC between us. After she was born I suffered really bad PND which resulted in me being admitted to hospital. I am on the mend now and life is almost back to normal although I still feel a little fragile and have bad days. This may not be relevant but just wanted to give a clear picture of our relationship.

Through my illness DH has been amazing, really looked after me and the DC, took lots of time off work etc. My family think he is wonderful, as do I.

But there is something that really niggles me and I can?t get it out of my mind. I feel like DH is always putting me down in a very subtle way. I really lack in self confidence and my self esteem is at an all time low and I feel like he makes me feel worse.

Today I have had 5 children to look after. I have worked my backside off getting the house straight for Christmas and sorting out old toys to take to the charity shop and stuff that can be binned. DH saw what I had done and was pleased but then started to go on about a time a few years ago when I?d had a sort out but then the bin bags had sat around the house for a few weeks. If I?m cooking he will say something like ?oh that?s nice but I?d have done x,y,z differently? The other day I was explaining to DD how to do something and DH was there too When I had finished he started telling her a different way of doing it. I have also been asking him to get the duvet down off the top of the big wardrobe for the past few days. I asked him again today and he said he hadn?t had chance, it would literally take him 5 seconds and yet he still hasn?t done it.

I could go on and on with these trivial little niggles. Part of me thinks I am being hyper sensitive but he is making me feel like I am not good enough, like he is never happy with what I do or say.

Really desperate for any advice at

[HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly]

tell him how you feel. With examples.

[Tippity]

I have told him over and over but he just doesn't get it

[ValiumShimmer]

No you're not being sensitive. When you spend all day working on something you want recognition, thanks, appreciation! not "you missed a bit".

The next time he does that, tell him that you did it YOUR way, and that the next time the oven needs cleaning or the toy cupboard needs sorting, he will get the chance to do it his way.

There really shouldn't be a right way and a wrong way of doing things like cooking, tidying etc..

Is he a bit of a control freak? He sounds like it tbh. He can't appreciate having a meal cooked for him without telling you how you could have done it better!! Anyway, better is subjective, better means to his taste. Well, you did it to your taste.

My x used to tell me I'd made my tea wrong.

[ValiumShimmer]

Tippity, I believe you that you've told him over and over and he doesn't get it.
If he ever cooks for you and you say "I would have added tomatoes, and less cream" does he receive that kind of comment well?! I am betting that he doesn't.

I'd let him cook and say, well I am happy to eat whatever you cook and I won't suggest improvements. Does he do any cooking?

[HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly]

Do you tell him at the point he says these things? Or after, in a big rush of things? you do x, y, z, you say 1, 2, 3...

If you haven't, then every time he says one of these things, turn to him right there and then and say "There! That is exactly what I talk about. You have just said.... That is what I mean when I say that you criticise me."

It is harder for him to ignore you if you challenge him right there and then, when he has just said it.

Have you done that? what does he say when you challenge him on the spot?

[cakesaway]

hello there,
I really feel for you - it definitely seems like he feels he has to have the last word and be the one 'in control' - this could be masking a deep insecurity perhaps from his childhood. It's amazing how we repeat patterns of behaviour that we observed growing up even though we know they are wrong.(I speak from much experience). I hope you can sort it out ..goodluck

[abenstille]

Sounds like he likes to have control. I dont think thats too bad in itself just that he needs making aware of it. I had an ex like that (not the reason we split)and we used to make a joke of it. Id put the oven on, he'd walk past and turn it down a notch, id walk past and turn it back up a notch when i thought he might see me...we made jokes of the little things when we could.
I do agree though, that it can rub away at your self esteem him thinking that everything you do is 'wrong'. My advice is to work on your self confidence yourself. And let him know that those little comments irritate. Show him how it feels for a day while you do it back to him!!
"Oh, I'd put a bit more toothpaste on that brush"
I think you'll find those carrots need a few more seconds"
blah blah.
Think it'll take ages for him to change his behaviour. Also try pointing out your reasoning for the way you do things:
Yes, the bags were there a while but I decided the priority was to look after dc/ get other things organised first...
I really don't think theres any malice in it.

[MyBrilliantCareer]

My ex (who is hoping to get back together I think) was like this - I'm due to see him over the xmas break so been thinking long and hard about how to deal with it.

Maybe you can stop at the time and reverse the situation in your head and see if he's got a point or if he's just being controlling again. Then challenge him then and there. It may be that he doesn't actually realise that he's being controlling and judgmental (which it is).

I think challenging him on the spot is crucial. For example, yesterday I said to my ex I was having a lazy day. His reaction was, "Well, I can't talk, I didn't do much...etc etc." I explained then and there that I had chosen to have a lazy day, and that his comments carried a tone of disapproval. He bucked up immediately because he realised it was true, and he had nothing to say (unusual for him). TBH I don't think he realised he was being so controlling and judgmental - do you think your DH realises how controlling he is being? It can also be an imitation of what he's seen growing up, as someone else said, which may explain if/why he doesn't realise he's doing it.

Don't get sucked into picking at him back though, it will just weaken your point.

[maltesers]

Tippity my DP says send his details and my dp will come round and kick him in to touch. . . .he needs a kick up the arse. . .You are a nice person and he is being a shit.

[ensure]

Sounds like my DH to a tee.
I have told him about it plenty of times and he does try to tone it down but it is pretty well ingrained.
It is worse when you're feeling over sensitive or down, so hopefully you'll be able to laugh these comments off more when you are more back to normal.