Have name-changed for this as I just feel so sad and embarrassed 
. DP and I have been together for 10 years and have a DC of two. We both love each other lots, have lots in common, are very considerate to each other but our sex life has completely gone down the pan. We were never exactly the 'at it like knives' types but since DC was born (whilst I was pregnant even) it disappeared.
I am sad about this for two reasons - one, that I don't want it to be like this, like some old couple in separate rooms but also we are supposed to be trying for another baby and it's got to the point where I am crying before I've even ovulated because I know that I won't be pregnant that month because we're unlikely to have sex (never happens at night, always daytime and as DS wakes early, that basically means nap-time on weekend). It is making me very resentful too. I feel like I am ambushing him. When it occasionally happens, it's good, no problems there.
It came to a head this weekend (again) when he rejected me because he said he didn't feel well. Fair enough but it's just symptomatic of the wider issue. I got very upset and angry and we've been talking about it on and off since then. He says he doesn't want it to be like this either, that he does still fancy me and that it's not because he doesn't want another child (he admits that he is ambivalent about another child but not against it). He says that he is tired and hasn't really got a sex drive at the moment - again, this is fair enough but I pointed out to him that he can find the energy to work until past midnight (one night last week )and go to a Christmas party (another night). Also he seems to think that we can only have sex when we're both suddenly overcome by lust - I say that that isn't always realistic when you work and have young children, that you have to make time and give it a go sometimes. But I don't really know if that's true or not and I can't ask friends in RL as I'd have to tell them what a state we're in.
I don't know what to do. Every month I get more upset and resentful about what's happening and about the fact that I won't be pregnant either. But we both seem at a loss as to what to do. He wasn't going to go to a works party tonight but I told him he should go but now I'm sitting here crying again. Any advice much appreciated.
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Relationships
Very sad about (practically) zero sex life
zeromojo · 13/12/2010 20:52
Complaining and crying about it probably big big turn offs. (I speak from experience)
Got much time off over Christmas? Anyone to babysit? You could do some good old fashioned flirting with him at parties, dressed up to the nines, show him what he's missing, bit of snogging, make it fun and light-hearted, take it from there?
Date nights spring to mind, maybe to places you used to go when you first met. What kinds of things do you like to do together as a couple (not necessarily as a family)? Sports, cinema, dancing- things which aren't necessarily sex but which bond you as a couple and remind him of the old spark.
Also, mini breaks? No excuses that he's tired. Get out of the old routines. Hotels are wonders for the sex life. Good excuse for a little holiday.
I hope he does go back, and insist on tests until they can come up with what's wrong.
I suffer terrible fatigue due to two chronic health conditions, took ages to get a diagnosis but when i finally did, and got the right medication, it transformed my life. I still have the health issues, but am taking amatryptyline to help with sleep quality and it really works.
Ten years is a long gap 
If he gets the sleep sorted you no doubt will see a huge difference in him, good luck, hang in there x
zeromojo, have you suggested counselling to your DH? If so what did he say?
DH and I have had similar issues and we found it very helpful. My DH sounds very much like yours in that he needs his sleep, will only have sex in the morning and would always say he was too tired. But then he would be awake enough to stay up all night watching golf. 
I tried what some people have suggested here and laid off, stopped crying about and hoped that sooner or later he would admit there was a problem and maybe even initiate sex himself. It took him nearly a year and by that point I was so pissed off I had lost all interest.
Counselling has really helped. He has had to admit that our relationship was not everything it should be and he has been forced to act.
One of the major things that has come out of it is that he now realises how ridiculous it was to totally rule out sex at any time but a weekend morning. We are now even allowed to have sex on a weeknight sometimes! 
We have also realised how little time we used to spend together and I don't think that helped either. We can't go out for dinner all the time etc, so date nights in that sense don't work but we can make a point of spending time together in a non sexual way and sometimes that leads to something (and sometimes not). Just as an example we often go to bed early rather watching TV and use the opportunity to talk. If nothing happens, that's no problem but if we both feel like it, sometimes it does.
The other thing we do is if we go longer than a week, we note it and we both agree when we can next probably find time. And then we make sure we really do find time.
The thing you have to remember here is that your DH has to want the change too and you can only go so far on your own. My DH was only prepared to make permanent changes when he realised that as much as I loved him, I couldn't live like that for ever, and we really did have to do something about it.
I hope things work out for you. 
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