How to end our estrangement

[seteer]

Have namechanged for this

Me and my brother were very close when growing up until he became addicted to cocaine when he was 20. He did it regulary and racked up enormous debts in order to pay for it. He borrowed money off a number of loan sharks and got evicted from where he was living and so he came to me and asked me to let him live with me. I refused because dd was only 4 and I didn't want to have a drug addict who had loan sharks following him living with us. He hasn't spoken to me since and we're estranged

My sister did take him and she managed to settle his debts and got him into rehab and he cleaned up. From what I hear he's doing well for himself he's started his own business which is doing well and he has put his life back on track. He dotes on my nephew and they're going round to his for christmas dinner for example.

I really want to make things up with him but I'm not sure how, I've spoken to my sister about this and she says he feels that I betrayed him and I wasn't there for him when he really needed me. What would be the best way to try and end this estrangement as it really upsets me when my nephew tells dd all about the fun times he's had with his uncle who she never sees. I also miss him and the closeness we had when we were younger.

[cestlavielife]

write him a note., say "i'd really like you to meet my DD"

[WriterofDreams]

I agree something written might do the job, but perhaps something longer and more detailed might be better. Could you you write him a letter saying how sorry you are for what happened and explaining your reasons for not taking him in? It is understandable that he would be annoyed, but part of overcoming addiction is accepting that you are responsible for your own behaviour, and that you can't blame other people for how they responded to you when you weren't well (barring outright abuse or violence of course). He needs to accept that you made the best decision for yourself at the time and that it wasn't a reflection of your love for him but of your love and concern for your daughter.

Perhaps you could point out to him that it would be a real shame if he let his addiction continue to affect his life by not recognising that this incident was not a result of anything wrong with your relationship but of the drugs. No one is required to take on and deal with the dangerous habits of those they love, especially when they have small children to think about and remaining angry with you will in the long term stand in his way of letting go of his past. I'm sure he wants a relationship with his niece at the very least. Have you and he had any communication over the years? Do you know what his feelings are on the whole matter?

[byrel]

This is a difficult one, I fully understand why you didn't take him in because of the risk to you and your dd of having dodgy loan sharks hunting him, the problem is your sister (who sounds brilliant) did and sounds to have sorted him out and he thinks she was there for him whilst in dire need whilst you cut him adrift.

What I think you need to do is emphasize that you want to put the past behind you both and reform the bond that you used to have, also tell him that your dd asks about this wonderful uncle that her cousin tells her about etc.

[seteer]

We've had very little contact over the last 18months, I did send him a birthday card which he never acknowledged. What I know about his attitude towards me is what my sister has told me and that he feels hurt, betrayed and angry at me

[springlamb]

You could try a Xmas card with a note inside along the lines of how happy you are that he is feeling much better and you hope that as his recovery goes on (and if he was an addict and is 18 months post rehab, then he will know it's an ongoing thing) he will be able to accept your reasons. He is looking at a very different life now to 18 months ago and may even have children himself one day, then may appreciate how scary it can be to have that responsibility.
Other than that, that you think of him often and you hope that he and DD may become reacquainted one day.

[poxoxo]

Could you get your sister to help set up a meeting so you could have a real heart to heart with him. Failing that I think a letter explaining why you did what you did and telling him that you want any animosity to end.

[opolle]

I think you need to write a letter explaining why you did what you did and say that you'd like to put it behind you. I would imagine that reestablishing links with you could be seen as part of the rehab.

Kudos to your sister she sounds to have done brilliantly

[StuffingGoldBrass]

Presumably your sister did not have small DC at the time and was therefore more able to take the risk of helping your brother.
You did not do the wrong thing in putting the needs of a child above the needs of an adult addict. And, as others have said, now that your brother is in recovery he should be able to understand that.

[simara]

Send him a christmas card with a letter in stating your reasons for why you did what you did and try and get your sister/parents to encourage to maybe meet with you.

[uyter]

I think a letter is whats needed

[lucy101]

I don't know about your relationship with your sister but I would be careful how much you involve her in your reconciliation as she could, even unconsciously, want to be the one who 'saved him' and might undermine your efforts.

I only post that as it is a situation I witnessed in my own family. You know her better of course.

Writerofdreams - very wise words.

[queenlet]

I think you need to get him 1:1 so you can talk about why you did what he did and hopefully he will see that you did what was best for you and your family and taking him in wasn't really an option with a young child.