35 and fed up

[35nFedUp]

I love dp more than anything and he loves me. We have 2 children, 1 is mine from a previous relationship and DP has taken him on. I am 35 and he is 48, I am more than prepared to be flamed here.

BUT we have no relationship - we have not gone to bed at the same time for months, we rarely have sex, or even kiss, I can't remember the last time we went out together!! He watches porn when I am not here and knows I hate it, he just won't quit. This is something he knows I have an issue with thanks to my ex.

I go out most weekends and he has the DC, well I keep asking him to come out with me/take me out but he always and I mean always has an excuse.

Its his works xmas do next week and I was looking forward to it, today he drops the bombshell that we aren't going because others have said it is always rubbish.

Anyway - there I was in the pub last weekend and as usual stood with the same group of people. A mixed bunch of men and women who i get on really well with. One of the couples invited me to head off to another bar with them - which i declined but went outside with them for a cigarette and to say bye.
Well this other man who I always talk to kissed me, and yes I returned the kiss. Wrong of me I know as far as I was concerned that was that.
Went out on Sunday to same pub and we never said a word to eachother - like we didn't know eachother iyswim?

Then Monday I went out with the couple and this man was there - turns out he is the son of the man in the couple. We ended up kissing again.
We have been texting eachother since but thats as far as it has gone.

Thats it though, if we see eachother i know it will happen again as I am enjoying the attention. I know what is happenening is wrong on so many levels, I have for months tried to get DP to talk about the problems in our relationship but he won't, doesn't want to at the time, is tired etc etc - always an excuse.
I do ALL the childcare, finances etc and then in 6 weeks he put us £1000+ out of pocket by having lied to me for months that he had paid 2 parking tickets that he hadn't but i didn't know until we woke up to find a clamp on the car on 2 seperate occassions in 6 weeks., even then he lied and said they had been sorted.

I am not looking for anyone to say it is ok I just needed to get it all off my chest.

[malinkey]

Why are you still with him?

[Anniegetyourgun]

What Malinkey said. I think you deserve a lot more flaming for staying in a one-way relationship with, at the least, a boring old sod (old before his time!) than for reaching out for a bit of clandestine attention. Any long-term relationship is likely to get a bit samey and need some work on revitalising, but this sounds more like flogging a dead horse - unless you're kidding yourself and putting it in the worst possible light here?

The answer, as I think you know, is not to grab a bit of excitement on the side. It is to either work on your existing relationship or to leave it. Treat this kissing thing as a wake-up call, as it were. You know you are missing something that is important to you and which your partner is unable or willing to provide. A smooch with a casual acquaintance isn't really going to provide it either (and taking it further will be a whole new can of worms you really don't want to open).

So: analysis of relationship so far.

• no kissing, hardly any sex
  
• porn watching, knowing you hate it
  
• no social life together
  
• cancels events he knows you're looking forward to
  
• you do all the childcare
  
• you manage all the finances
  
• he puts you in financial difficulty by lying
  

What does it have that's good? "I love dp more than anything and he loves me". Erm, he isn't showing his love in any meaningful way that you've mentioned - does he make a lot of tea perchance? - and you are kissing someone else behind his back. That, my dear, is not love as I recognise it.

Time for some hard thinking, I suggest.

[35nFedUp]

I wish I was making it look worse
I say just that to him that he is old before his time. But he doesn't get it he thinks I am just nagging him.

I do love him, and I want to stay with him. I just feel - I don;t know like I am not appreciated. When he has his 2 days off of work he works one and always goes into work the other to play snooker, or goes fishing.

Yes I do go out on a Friday but to do that I have to keep the youngest awake all day so he is asleep before I go, and the eldest is always in his room before I leave or shortly after.


He has a good relationship with my eldest DS not such a good one with my youngest.

Another thing I am currently looking for a new property for us, having finally got on the council list. Every place I look at or suggest he finds a reason for us not to go for it. Too high up - (the first floor) to carry the fishing gear up and down, lets wait for a ground floor, lets wait for a garden etc, lets move out to the coast - all things I am not bothered about. I am happy in the area I am in.

Come birthdays, family celebrations, birthday parties etc he always causes an argument.
My nephews baptism is a prime example he caused a row, we went to baptism, back to my sisters and he left within 5 minutes and then kept calling and texting me telling me not to drink, etc. He came and got me at 9 after telling me I had been there long enough.

Firework night my sister had a party and we were all meant to be going well he went fishing in the day and then wouldn't come. I went with DS2 as DS1 didn't want to go. Before I got to the end of my road he was on the phone to remind me I had to wash his shirts when I got home - I told him to do them himself.

I then had an evening of texts and calls asking when I would be home.

[llareggub]

He sounds awful. Other man and attention to one side, what do you want to happen with regard to your relationship?

[35nFedUp]

LL, I would ideally want our relationship to work but it is all getting on top of me tbh.

He has got up this morning and immediatly started moaning about things

brief answers as he is in the room

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I do love him, and I want to stay with him"

Why?. Stating the above actually seems very selfish of you. Is the above because you are frightened of breaking up this family unit, a family unit I might add which is already broken. He is also treating DS1 and DS2 unequally here.

Do you not think you deserve better?. You're 35; you really want this for yourself at 36 let alone 40?.

Let him wash his own shirts as well.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

[35nFedUp]

sorry i will reply soon when he goes out.

[35nFedUp]

Why do I want to stay with him?
well aside from loving him he is DS1 and DS2's dad through and through - even if not biologically to DS1.

Do I feel I deserve better? honestly no, I was in a very abusive relationship with DS1's father and then spent a long time on my own. I met DP and we hit it off.

I have no confidence, so guess this is all I feel I am worth.

We had a row at 5.45 this morning because I had fallen asleep on the sofa and then went to bed when I woke at that time. He thought it was ok to grope me but i didn't want him to so I moved his hand. He then asked why and I said "i am not just a piece of meat for you to grab when you want"

He didn't like that and started a row

[35nFedUp]

I had to come back...

the date of my last post i went out with the OM...and the inevitable happened

It was just that though sex - a one off, never to happen again, and tbh not that exciting either.

Since then DP and I have been out and been on much better terms. He is doing more with the DC. also he left the accepting of a property up to me and we are moving very soon.

I see the OM every week and its just a hi and bye relationship...nothing there.

No more than I expected really given his age.

[Lizzabadger]

You're not being fair to your partner and you know it. Either commit to the relationship and ditch the OM or get out.

[deludedfool]

How old is the OM? You say, 'given his age'? Is he older than your DP who is 48?

[deludedfool]

BTW, I think you have every right to be angry when your DP just thinks he can get the goodies from you even though he refuses to take notice of your concerns about your relationship.

[deludedfool]

Do you think you have realised as well that the grass isn't always greener on the other side; it's just you want more intimacy and quality time with your DP?

[Lizzabadger]

Sorry -read too quickly. See you are not seeing the OM any more. Cheating on your partner is never the way to solve relationship problems though, as I am sure you know. Commit to working on things or get out.

[deludedfool]

I believe being unfaithful is wrong (speaking as someone who has done that years ago and knows the devastation it causes). I also think your DP is behaving like a miserable old git in alot of respects, and there are alot of ways of looking at your situation. I noted you were in an abusive relationship with your eldest dc's dad, your expectations may well be lower having gone through that if you still have the low self-worth, and you may let things slip through the net/accept rather selfish everyday behaviour more so than someone else. On the other hand, I think it is unfair not to commit genuinely to your DP.

I am glad your DP is more involved in your family life etc. What do you think happened to make him try to change his behaviour? Did you have a proper discussion with him? Is he worried about losing you and his family?

[35nFedUp]

I feel awful for having done what I did.

I am fully committed to DP, I don't know what came over me tbh - it is totally out of character for me.

The OM is only 20yrs old . I think that was part of the whole thing. I have been feeling old and stuck in a rut.

Anyway as to what happened between DP and I - we had a night out and found ourselves, we went to his xmas do and had a load of fun. I had the chance to get done up and relaxed.

He also had the chance to relax.

What I did was very wrong, and I am not trying to justify it, because there are no excuses.