Would like some advice for my relative please...his wife left in August and he is struggling.

[MorganMindy]

This has turned out very long - sorry. I wanted to give enough background to get good advice but not enough to out my relative - he's got enough to deal with.

I'm not sure what advice to give my relative (let's call him C).

I left my H years ago because he was controlling and (I have now realised through the power of MN) emotionally abusive. To most people it was inexplicable that I should leave him as he was such a 'nice guy' and to outsiders we had the perfect life. I know full well that most of my X's family think I left him for my now DP (totally untrue but suits my X that everyone believes that).

When I heard that C and his wife had split I refused to condemn either party. As in my case only vague reasons were given and so I thought it best to just be sympathetic regarding the situation and not get drawn into any character assassinations.

Recently however I have heard a few thing that have concerned me and now C is asking me for advice on what to do next.

They initially split in August and she moved out with their DC's to her parents. About a month ago she suddenly moved over an hour away from the marital home and changed the DC's school - only telling C once it was done.

It seems there is an OM on the scene and he has now also moved into this new house. This is where my alarm bells start to ring. Within a few months she has moved the children's home, school and now she has another man living with them? They're of primary age btw.

The more I hear about the OM the more I worry too. He's early 40's (as is C and his X), never been married, doesn't work - but is "looking to start his own business", doesn't have his own house and was lodging with a relative before moving in with C's X. C's X has a very well-paid job and it appears she is now supporting this OM.

The X now will not talk to C on the phone, has been very awkward about letting him see his DC and the OM has been abusive to him on the phone. The OM apparently said the DC's were now nothing to do with C and he would be looking after them from now on!

I know that there are two sides to every story, I know that she may have her reasons for wanting to move away but my sympathy for her has all but evaporated on hearing about this OM moving in.

My instinct is to tell C to get legal advice ASAP and see where he stands.

But my concern is this OM, I'm seeing red flags for NPD/BPD or am I? The (apparent) speed that he moved in, the fact that she's vunerable emotionally but successful financially, the fact that he doesn't appear to have had a functional relationship previously, the way she now will not talk to C on the phone... Has she fallen victim to a Narc? Does that happen?

This is where the MN voices of experience come in, what advice would you give to C? How should he handle this?

I'm thinking of telling him to stop trying to ring her. To put all communications in writing (either text or email) calmly requesting contact. And to save all correspondence he recieves. Am I right in thinking that if OM sends abusive responses that would be harrasment and C could get the police involved?

Thanks for reading.

[Snuppeline]

He should contact the local police station and state the full name of this other chap. Given that he has access to his children he should have the police do a background check to ensure he's not a pedo. I certainly would if they were my children even if the split with a partner was amicable.

Did the X have a relationship with this man before the split? If they didn't its very strange indeed and I like you and C would be very very worried. Whether he is a narc or not is hard to say perhaps without further "evidence" but it does sound worrying.

If I were your relative I would certainly not take dictates about when and under what circumstances I could see my children and would initiate legal proceedings. He should see what rights he has to full or shared residency and for that he needs legal aid so should get himself a good family lawyer immediately.He should also get in touch with the new school and ask for a meeting with the head to make it clear that he expects to be kept informed of the children and how they are settling in etc. The quicker he gets going with these things the better in my opinion.

[cestlavielife]

he needs to see a solicitor and initiate legal proceedings to get contact with his children.

get everything in writing ie email, no more phone conversations.

[MorganMindy]

Thanks Snuppeline, I don't know how long the X has been seeing this OM but to move him in so soon after leaving her H seems to be far too much too soon.

I didn't realise you could do a police background check on anyone like that?

The being dictated to about when he can see the DC's by this OM is what is really upsetting C. Good idea about contacting the new school too, I didn't think of that.

[MorganMindy]

cestlavielife, he was trying to avoid the legal route to try and not aggravate the situation any further, in my opinion it's now gone far beyond that so he's not really got much to lose.

I'll pass these comments onto him.

Thanks.

Is there any legal way he can stop this OM being involved in decisions regarding the DC's?

[houseproject]

Hi,
Totally agree with others - he must now get legal advice. It's the children's right to see their father, that's the law so he should not be afraid to start proceedings.
The poor kids, must be awful for them to have so much change in their life and then not see their dad on a regular basis.
All significant changes should be made by both parents - the ex should not have moved schools without informing the other parent. As he had PR he should make sure the school knows of his contact details and he should ask to be kept informed of any issues concerning his children. A court will grant regular contact with the dad and he can make a request that all decisions are made jointly - a court is likely to agree with this.
He should also join a support forum for dads, getting support through this will be important.
In more englighten countries there are laws to protect children from the fallout of a divorce and in Australia they will not allow parents to move more than 30 mins away. Seems sensible - why should children suffer just because their parents no longer get on?

[MorganMindy]

Houseproject, I know, I don't understand at all why she would not realise the impact this could have on the DC. It's not just their Dad either, they were very close to his family and previously spent a lot of time with them. They must be so confused, poor little things.
When me and my X split the one thing we did agree on was that the DC came first and they still do. We both now live within walking distance of the school.

[DuelingFanio]

I think he should have been looking into contact with his children as soon as she left to be honest, so my advice would be to seek legal advice ASAP and get some kind of contact ordcer in place. Has he been paying anything towards the up-keep of his children?

[MorganMindy]

Yes, I believe he's been paying something. I think he didn't act sooner as it's come as such a shock to him. He never expected her to move like that.

[cestlavielife]

given the concerns about teh OM it is more secure gto get courts involved and maybe CAFCASS if there are welfare issues around this OM and the DC.

court can be seen to be adversarial but frankly i found it a secure and formal place faced with an unstable ex.

he could of course try mediation first but it doesnt sound like she will be willing to sit with him with a mediator. #in fact he probably should offer mediation session first - to show eh doesnt want to go to courts - but if she refuses then he has no option.
solicitor anyway may advise a "letter of intent" with offer of mediation.

so she ahs two weeks to repsond adn agree to mediation - then if she doesnt he files at court.

all this takes time though!

[MorganMindy]

So I'm not overeacting about the OM? I'm not the only one who thinks this situation is odd? That's good to know.

Mediation is a good suggestion. I would think the solicitor would suggest that anyway, I think the solicitor I spoke to suggested it as a first step. (In the end I didn't use either, we sorted it all out ourselves)

I just can't understand what she's thinking of.