hand holding needed

[quitesadrightnow]

I'm not sure if this is going to come out in a big jumble but I just really need to talk this through with someone and everyone in RL is busy. Sorry if it's long.

To give you some back story I was sexually assaulted 10 years ago. It had a major impact on me (!) but I had some great therapy for a couple of years and it really, really helped. However, understandably I occasionally do have issues which stem from the assault and that is what I think is happening now.

I just came out of a relationship and have started dating again. I had to end the relationship; he had started not treating me massively well. It was little things like being angry with me at times he should have been concerned and not making any time for me. However, I felt so comfortable with him sexually and I'm just finding it immensely hard to adjust to the idea of sleeping with anyone else. My ex, at the beginning anyway, was so very, very kind and understanding. He was so lovely to me, we had the most amazing sex life which I never thought I'd get to have with anyone. I felt a very intense connection with him and loved him so much. I wanted to marry him and have his babies. He was my first proper love, so that added to the intensity. Sex wasn't at all scary or hard and all the issues I'd had with other men just disappeared (e.g I had always found it very hard after sex that I could smell the man on me and used to get really distressed by that even if I liked the man. With my ex, I loved that I could smell him on me.)

I accept that the relationship is over and in fact I've just been on a few dates with a very nice man and the contrast of how he is treating me is huge. I am being treated nicely.

I slept with this man last night. I was hugely nervous. He is lovely, I am attracted to him and he is very respectful but all my old problems came back. I guess part of the problem is just coming to terms with having broken up with someone I loved and getting used to being with someone new and lots of people must find that hard even if they've never been assaulted (it's always so hard to know what to attribute to the assault and what is typical). But I am rather emotional and sad today. I should be happy, right? It was a nice evening. He's not that fantastic in bed, which didn't help, but he's not terrible. Some of it was even great. The biggest problem I had, other than just feeling really upset and wanting to shower afterwards, was that he is quite a big man and I find that very offputting. Now this might just be very shallow of me, afterall he is really into me and I'm not stick thin, but I do associate men with large stomachs with abusers. It triggers off lots of horrible thoughts.

I guess amidst all this jumble of thoughts and the need for some reassurance and hand holding is a question over whether I can be with someone who seems fantastic in lots of ways, but who is overweight and thus who triggers off some unpleasant feelings in me. I'm missing my ex. I'm scared because sex isn't 100% problem free for me again when I've just come out of a period of it being easy, and fantastic and not triggering. Even having this guy's tongue in my mouth felt really difficult and at times just too much, when again, with my ex it wasn't hard.

I'm so confused. I need a hug.

TIA for any replies. I really need them right now. I'm feeling rather broken.

[perfumedlife]

Lots of soft and gentle hugs to you.
This must be very hard for you, and while it is positive to get back out there and date, I actually think from reading your post that it is too soon.

It seems to me you are still a little in love with your ex, or at least, not over the hurt yet.

Perhaps the size will always be an issue for you, but until you are over the ex I am not sure you will know that for sure.

I took a very long time to get over an ex, many years infact, and even when i met my dh I was shocked at how different he felt physically from the other man. Different heights, body types, ex was very well made and strong, dh is taller and very slim.

How long ago did you break up?

[Besom]

Hello, I'll happily give you a hug.

I think you're right in that some of the stuff you're feeling is to do with coming out of a long term relationship. I wonder if you might be better having some time by yourself for a while to get your head straight? I would always advocate this after a break up.

Also, you do sound a bit confused. You say you're attracted to this man but then go on to describe finding him physically off putting. I don't think this is shallow, I think it's important.

Maybe you should give yourself a break, concentrate on yourself for a while and work out what you want from a relationship? Or at least take this new relationship at a slow pace.

[quitesadrightnow]

Thank you so much for the hugs. They are so needed.

I broke up with my ex in September but things were on and off from June, so it feels like a long time when it probably isn't. I hate the thought that I'm not ready to date yet because what if I'm never ready?

I feel like this new guy is nice enough that I could talk to him about this - but how do you say to someone that you have a problem with their size? It feels so rude! Perhaps you shouldn't, I don't know.

[Besom]

You will be ready in time. It's not so much that you're not ready to date, just possibly not yet ready to go back into a serious relationship?

[quitesadrightnow]

I think you're right Besom. I think it's going to be important that I go out on a few dates and just have some fun and take things slowly.

I have had a good bawl and went out for a walk and that has cleared my head. I'm still feeling shocking and sad and confused and heavy, but I do feel better for writing things down. And I think I need to concentrate on Christmas and have some fun and not worry too much about all this; just trust that things will work out for the best and if it doesn't work out with this guy because of my issues, perhaps I will find someone else where it won't be so hard.

[Besom]

Yes, that's exactly how to approach things I think. Have some fun and treat yourself!

And also to accept that this will naturally be a difficult time and you need to take care of yourself. Things will get easier.

I wish you all the best (and more hugs).

[ChippingIn]

I'm really sorry to hear about the abuse :( and I'm also really sorry that someone that was so great stopped being great and that the guy you were comfortable with sexually you can no longer be with (for good reason!). It's natural to still have feelings for him, he was a good support when you needed him and someone you loved/trusted. It would be pretty crap if you were completely over him already wouldn't it x

I think quite a bit of it is the way you can feel with a new partner anyway, but more so if you aren't completely into them and it doesn't sound like you are tbh.

Maybe keep seeing him but just tell him that you want to wait a bit before you have sex again. Take your time, see what you think of him as a person, see how his weight makes you feel over time. If it's a 'trigger' for you then it is and no matter how much 'that's an awful thing to think' goes on - if you feel like that, you feel like that.

[quitesadrightnow]

Thank you so much chippingin and matthew. Really any words at this time are a comfort. I am so emotional today. I've been crying most of the day.

I am seeing this guy again tomorrow and I'm unsure but I think I will make it clear I'm not ok with sleeping with him at the moment. It's hard because I am attracted to him; he has a lovely face and an attractive personality. But I guess he hides his weight well because it was only when he undressed yesterday that it hit me how big he was. And no matter how much I might not like my reaction, I can't change it just like that. It's linked in with a lot of bad memories.

[ChippingIn]

Does he know about the abuse? I think it's important that you tell him if you haven't already.

Also, do not tell him how you feel about seeing him naked. This is your issue - not his. He clearly isn't huge if you could only tell when he was naked - so it's not fair to make him think it's his body that is making you scared.

You haven't been seeing him very long at all and I think getting into a sexual relationship with him so quickly wasn't a good idea. I would think if you have been abused it would be even more important to get to know and trust someone before you could relax enough to have good sex with them.

Also, the first time you have sex with someone isn't an indicator of how good/bad it will always be either, so I don't think you can say whether he's good in bed or not.

I would keep seeing him and see how it goes - wait until you are closer to him, feel more for him and trust him more before you have sex with him again... if at that stage everything else is wonderful but his tubby tummy still makes you scared then you, then it would be OK to talk to him about it.

I hope you have a nice day tomorrow.

By the way, if you have told him about the abuse and explained to him that you are not ready to be in a sexual relationship with him yet and he is anything less than 100% understanding then let him go....

[quitesadrightnow]

Thank you chippingin. I haven't told him about the abuse. I had said to him I didn't want to sleep with him until I felt really comfortable with him and it might take me a while and he was 100% fine with that; it's just that one thing led to another last night and in the midst of it I thought, 'I'll be fine' when clearly I'm not today. That isn't his fault at all, he was after all happy to wait. But ideally I would have waited and opened up first and then gone ahead in an emotionally safer environment.

I will have a chat to him about the abuse, it's just fricking scary to talk about and as much as I can say that if he's not ok with it I'm better off without him, it's still hard to think I might be rejected over something like that.

I think you're right about his body. I can't say anything, and I'd hate to make him feel bad. I'd hate it if someone said something to me in that vein. It's surprising because he really is quite big, he just hides it well. But it is my issue and not his and I'm sad that I feel this way because my ex didn't have a perfect body and that wasn't an issue at all, I found him gorgeous, it's just this guy's stomach is so large and as I said big stomachs are a trigger. (triggers can be strange!!)

I'm off to try and get some sleep. Goodnight

[ChippingIn]

When I said

if you have told him about the abuse and explained to him that you are not ready to be in a sexual relationship with him yet and he is anything less than 100% understanding then let him go....

I meant with not having sex (again) until you are ready... it didn't even occur to me that anyone wouldn't want to be in a relationship due to the other person having been abused.... I am not sure if I am naive or you are paranoid?

I think you also need to make it clear to him that it was you who made the mistake last night and you don't blame him at all - but that you really aren't ready yet.

I hope you get some sleep x

[Eurostar]

Usually sleeping with someone for the first time is a bit tricky and can be disappointing when you have been in a relationship where you are totally comfortable with each other sexually. You say, is this the trauma coming back? I don't know but I can tell you I've felt sad and weepy with someone after the first time even when I was actually glad to have split up with the ex.

[bathbuns]

I just thought I'd give an update. I went on another date with this guy last night and feel much better about it all. It wasn't such a shock, I guess because I'm getting to know him and he was very respectful of me saying I didn't want to do certain things.

It's still hard, I'm so confused. I didn't tell him about the abuse because I didn't feel ready (and it is always a fear that someone will think it's too much baggage, I have no idea if this is me being paranoid or not but it has freaked people out in the past when I've told them). But I felt like I took a step forwards and relaxed a little and the key thing to do is not to commit to anything serious at this point, so there is no pressure on me.

Thanks for listening. Your messages the other day really helped.

[bathbuns]

oh crap, ok forgot to namechange!! nevermind. no biggie.

[Besom]

Oops, I've done that before as well!

Thanks for updating though and glad you're feeling better.