Friend is finally leaving husband – please reassure her she's doing the right thing

[LolaIsBackFromHoliday]

Hi. I'm writing this on behalf of a friend, who isn't a poster herself but has asked me to post about how confused and torn she's feeling about her decision to leave her husband.

I posted on here a few months ago - here - about how unhappy she felt in her marriage, and how her husband had been treating her and their children. I shared the thread with her, and she found it an enormous support - so thank you to everyone who posted.

A couple of weeks ago, she decided she'd had enough and has told her husband she wants them to separate. She says she doesn't love him, doesn't respect him, doesn't trust him and doesn't fancy him. She is very angry with him about how he has treated her and their children, and says that in her heart, she knows the relationship is over. She says she needs to end the marriage for her own sanity and long-term happiness and self-respect. And I applaud her! I think it's 110% the right decision, and she knows I think this.

However, her husband refuses to move out of the family home, so she has been staying a little at her mum's with the kids, and at my house, and a bit at home with her husband sleeping on the sofa. She'll be seeing a family lawyer on Monday.

Her husband, who is distraught and crying over her decision has - for the first time ever - been bathing and cooking for the children, taking them swimming, buying in and preparing fancy food and generally grovelling, which she says makes her want to slap him, as it's too little too late. He wants to try again. He says they should make a go of it, if only for the kids, who are unsettled at the moment - and he's been guilt-tripping her to this effect.

My friend is feeling guilty, worried about the children and how a separation will affect them, and wondering if she should hang in there and try again for their sakes; she's all over the place. I think she's doing the right thing - that it will be an upheaval for a while, but will be for the best in the long-term. I think what she needs - what she's after - is some en masse reassurance that, despite the kids' upset and his insistence they should make a go of the marriage, she is doing the right thing to end it.

If you'd be willing to read through the opening post of my other thread - here - and post what you think here, I'm sure my friend would be ever so grateful. Thanks so much.

[LittleMissHissyFit]

She is the one that needs to keep reading through the original thread.

He is just in that nicey nicey bit of the abusive bastard cycle.

he never thought she would ever have the guts to leave him.

She needs to be away from him, he is not a man to live with, to raise kids with. he is a man to run screaming from.

[LolaIsBackFromHoliday]

Thanks, LittleMissHissyFit. She's going to get the Lundy Bancroft book about controlling men, which I'm guessing will say the same. I can't believe he can change - deep-down - overnight and, moving forwards, be in effect a different man who's finally doing the things he always should have done, and consistently. The odds are slim ...

[scallopsrgreat]

He won't change. This is temporary. Take it from many of us who know! He doesn't deserve a 2nd chance either (to be fair he's probably used up his 2nd, 3rd and 4th chances already!). He is only doing this as part of his abusive pattern. He doesn't mean it and as soon as she is back with him things will return to the status quo - because he can.
It takes a lot of energy to split from an abusive partner. Don't let her use up those energy reserves going backward and forward. She will need them for the divorce because he will probably throw everything but the kitchen sink at her. Going back now will mean she will have to find those reserves all over again six months (or whenever) down the line. This is one of the things abusive partners rely on - wearing you down.

[hugglymugly]

I've only read your first few posts on that other thread, but that was enough to get the picture.

Once your friend instigates divorce proceedings (on the grounds, at least, of his unreasonable behaviour) he's likely to be required to leave the matrimonial home. I hope her family lawyer will put the wheels in motion fast.

As for his nicey nicey behaviour - as LittleMissHissyFit describes - he can continue to do all that for his "beloved" children but at his place and on his watch. Ask your friend whether she thinks he'll actually do that.

She deserves a lot of (official) distance from him and so do her children. The eldest child is old enough to be picking up on the atmosphere this wanker creates. You mentioned on that other thread that your friend can't imagine being with him in five years' time. If she backed down now, her eldest would by then be eleven years old - more than half that child's childhood.

I've read enough accounts about how difficult it can be to go through divorce when there are children involved, but it seems to me that whatever your friend and her children experience in the interim, it would be far, far better to go through that than carry on with what they're experiencing now.

Your friend is embarking on a courageous journey for the sake of her children and herself, and I wish her well for the future even though it'll be scary in the short term.

(No doubt you've already given her important phone numbers and relevant advice.)

[Gay40]

She is absolutely doing the right thing. 100%.

[LittleMissHissyFit]

Lola, why isn't she a poster here, we could really, really help her. Directly.

You know that!

Send her our love and 24 hour support, tell her we are here whenever she needs us?

[susiedaisy]

yes he is only doing this now because she has told him she wants/needs to end this marriage, it is a classic tactic used by probably all of us at some point i our lives,its back tracking and damage contro, IMO, but he has over stepped the mark big time in the way he treats his family and he knows it so he is desperately trying to rectify things, but it is too little too late and IMO will cease pretty soon after she relents and moves back in and takes separation off the agenda until the next time. over 80% of separations in marriage are instigated by women, men seem to be able to just stay in a stale, loveless marriage a lot longer than women, i hope she can find the strength to see it through

[LolaIsBackFromHoliday]

Thanks for further posts.

Yes, I've told her about Women's Aid, hugglymugly, and Gingerbread, and linked her to some relevant threads on here.

LittleMiss, she isn't posting on here because she isn't a member, and says she doesn't feel confident enough to post, but she knows I lurk on here and occasionally post, and she found my September thread really helpful. I'll suggest she sign up and ask for some support on here herself, if she feels in need of it.

I didn't know that 80% statistic, susiedaisy - I found that surprising at first, and then not, IYSWIM.

I'm going with her to the lawyer tomorrow for moral support/help with asking questions/note-taking. I have some questions in mind, but would welcome suggestions in case I haven't thought of everything.

Thanks again.

[LittleMissHissyFit]

Bloody hell Lola, what a splendid friend you are! How lovely of you!

I don't get this whole not confident enough to post thing, or lurking even, (but then I am a mouthy caaah)

Her story is so straight forward, no-one would do anything other than support her.

to you both. Good luck tomorrow

[TheBeefyDwt]

Tell her not to hold back and if she is able to, to describe to the solicitor his verbal/emotional abuse of her and the children. Don't downplay it out of shame or politeness.

My friend who is curently divorcing said that it was only when her solicitor (an 'official' person, not a friend) sat open-mouthed at some of her descriptions of her life with him that she really realised, the rest of the world generally does not live like this. That really helped validate her actions.

Yes, she is absolutely doing the right thing and her children will thank her heartily when they are older. My friend had similar doubts and fears which kept her in her miserable abusive marriage. Now he is out of the house, her children have blossomed already.

Oh, and his 'reeling in' nicey-nicey behaviour is classic - tell her to read a few other threads on here and please not to waste precious time believing it - my friend did, a couple of times - until he was finally so sure of his absolute power over her, and ability to persuade her to stay even when he was vile to her, that he became physically violent.

She wishes for herself and her childrens' sakes that she had left long ago.

Bravo to your very brave friend!

[LolaIsBackFromHoliday]

Quick update before lawyer's appointment ...

I saw my friend at school a moment ago, and she seems to believe that her husband is indeed a changed man. :(

How can anyone who's been that unkind and disrespectful and selfish for so long, change overnight, and permanently?!

She says her heart's saying it's over, and her head's saying she must give reconciliation a go. She's all over the place. I do feel for her.

And thanks for your helpful post, TheBeefyDwt. She hasn't been able to read this thread yet while home at the weekend with her husband, but hopefully will be able to some time today or into this week.

Off to lawyer now ...

[malinkey]

Any man who says that his partner devotes too much time to their children and not enough to servicing him is never going to change. He is only doing the nicey nicey thing to reel her back in so she can carry on being his emotional punch bag.

If her heart says it's over, tell her to listen to her heart.

And if her head says she must give reconciliation a go, then tell her to read your original thread and listen to what everyone else said.

I would guess that she doesn't even feel confident enough to post because this horrible specimen of a man has worn her down so much. And he chose to do that. Just like he's now choosing to be nice to try to stop her going.

He says he wants to make a go of it for the kids - sounds like the first time he's ever thought about them.

Eww, he sounds horrid.

[susiedaisy]

the 80% statistic was in the book wifework that i have recently read.

[malinkey]

And as far as I understand it, for someone who is abusive to accept that their behaviour is abusive and then to do something about changing it takes a long time - possibly years - of therapy.

It will not be an overnight change in response to someone saying they don't want to be with them any more.

See cycle of abuse

[worthless]

to be honest what your friend is going through sounds the same as my story (crap wife - good mother).

I have just woken up to the fact that what I am going through is emotional and sexual abuse and it sounds like your friend is too.

I completely lost it or to use your friend's husbands words "finally developed a backbone" last week and told my husband that enough is enough and that I want us to separate. He was devastated and completely in tears and begging me not to make him leave his home and children. He has begged to stay for xmas and has said that if I still feel the same afterwards that he will go (after previously saying that he will go nowhere as it is all my fault).

Since last week he has been nice(ish) to me. No snide comments, helping in the house although he still expects me to "service" him sexually. He still cannot understand why I don't want too and expects me to "release his tension"......which I have been although I hate myself for doing it.

Shoot me down in flames but I am feeling the same as your friend......maybe we both should stick with it...maybe our husbands can change?

If not when do you call it a day? How bad does it have to get?

[cestlavielife]

dc are unsettled because they dont knwo what is going on - she needs ot make it fainl in order to move on, he moves out adn establish a regualr routine for dc to visit with him.

then they will settle.

if she drawn in - ask her: how long can he keep this up?
two weeks? two months?
because she knows full well it wont last...

tell her tos tay strong: it is best.
let's say they separate and in a year at least 12 months tiem he show he is changed -then she can reconsider.

but i bet she will jsutnrealise even more how much better she is wihout him...

[NicknameTaken]

I agree with cestlavie - tell her to try a separation of a year (hell, even six months), and see if he can keep up the niceness for that amount of time. If he was truly being nice (as opposed to guilt-tripping) he would accept that he needs to take the time to prove to her that he really is sorry and does seriously intend to change over the long-term. The fact that he won't even do that measn that this is just a tactic, not a serious commitment to change.

Tell her to keep looking at her dcs and ask herself if this is what she wants their childhood memories to be like, and if this is what she wants their model for married life to be like.