Complete Relationship Breakdown

[eeniegreenie]

I'll give you the background info to set the scene: I am a 22 year old with an 18 month old daughter. I have been with my partner for 2 1/2 years (so, yes, we had only been together a few months when I got pregnant, and we had to move in together). Things have been quite difficult for us right from the outset as we were both students when I got pregnant, and I had one year of my degree to finish after baby was born. I did manage it, but money has been tight and obviously it has been quite a lifestyle change from young, single student to settled cohabiting couple with baby.

I am despairing because it seems to me that our relationship has reached its lowest ever point; communication has totally broken down and I can no longer recognise myself or my partner. He has been moving out of the house and then moving back like a yo-yo over the last month or so as we keep reaching a point where we don't seem to be able to acheive anything anymore. Then he misses his daughter and repents to me and moves back but nothing changes.
One big problem that we have is that he HATES my mother. I know that she is an overbearing woman, and we come to blows with each other over the fact that she doesn't give me enough space and still often treats me like a child, but i find his inability to even be civil with her so hurtful and unnecessary, and also really embarassing. He says that he dislikes her deeply because of the way she treats me, and the fact that she doesn't respect our family's boundaries, which is fair enough I suppose, but she is still my mother at the end of the day, and I do love her, and I do value her company at the moment as we have just moved to the town where he grew up where I have NO friends, no job, and am stuck in the sticks without a car. He makes me feel that I am not allowed to see my own mother and blanks her if she comes around.
This controlling attitude extends to so many other areas of our lives as well, to the extent that I feel totally stifled and also disrespected. I am an intelligent, sensible woman and I don't want to have to defer to him for everything I do.
I worry that I am stil suffering from depression after a nasty bout of postnatal depression a year ago, I feel so lonely and powerless, and his constant stonewalling of me just compounds thar feeling until I think I am going to emotionally implode. I seem to take on all the responsibility and all the anxiety for our family, and he just goes about casting his judgement on it all.
I don't know if I am making the situation very clear or not, now that I read it back, I have been bottling it up for so long that I can't get a clear perspective on it, which is why I need some help. If I try to air my greivances to my partner he generally scoffs at them or implies that I am overreacting. It gets to the point that I question my own judgement of the situation.

Am I going mad? What should I be doing? Help!

[plupervert]

You have something very important right there, with your : "If I try to air my greivances to my partner he generally scoffs at them or implies that I am overreacting." Meanwhile, even you say your mother is overbearing.

It sounds as though it is more than time for you to go outside this narrow family circle. As long as you are trapped there, your partner and your mother will feel drawn back into this emotional whirlwind (literally going round and round), to be with you, and you will have no means to get either of them to stop.

Of course neither of them wants to be trapped there, either, but neither have they taken any steps to help you escape. They are both probably afraid you will leave this narrow space "in the arms" of the other person (whom they dislike).

However, if you break out of there, with other people (start having a social life, take DD out), both you and they will understand that you can exist outside the narrow circle, and not with either of them, either. That might ease any jealousy.

Even if it does not have any immediate effect on these relationships, getting out will make you feel better. If you are in SE London, so PM for ideas of cheap stuff to do.

Good luck. You sound very discouraged, and I'm not surprised. You have done a lot in a short time, you have taken on a lot of responsibility, and this is all serious hard work, harder without the emotional support or understanding you clearly lack.

[LittleMissHissyFit]

I worry that he is really trying to call the shots in your life, without making any effort to help you. I worry that he is trying to manipulate you and control you. I worry that he has taken you away from your support network and is banning your mother from your life. All of these are classic abuser red flags.

The way a man treats your mother is very important, and very telling. You need to tell him that your Mum is your issue and that he has no right to say anything to her that is rude, FOR YOU. If anything needs saying to your mum, you will say it.

You need to break out from the clutches of the pair of them, they are probably instrumental in aspects of your struggles with depression.

[Mummiehunnie]

Your partner and mother are like a pair of dementors from Harry Potter trying to suck the happiness out of you! I would go and see you GP and ask from some counselling to work out what this is all about, and tell your partner and mother it is due to depression so they don't know you are on to them! They won't like the person that you will evolve into, so I would look at widening you social circle ready for that day x