Counselling - any success stories

[IloveBafanaBafana]

Please please help me see the light at the end of the tunnel!

DP and I have been together for 8 years, and bought a house together 3 years ago, I have two children from a previous marriage.

Our relationship has been pretty rocky for about 18 months now, and we seem to have the same fights over and over again, with neither of us really making any real progress. We change our behaviour for a really short period of time, and then go back to our old destructive ways.

I really dont thnk that either of us really listedn to one another, which confuses and upsets me because it wasn't always like this.

The other thing is we both drink way way too much (although I have tried / started to to tackle my own drinking since the beginning of October). I tend to just pass out when I have too much to drink whereas his behaviour has become increasingly erratic, he keeps disappearing out to the pub, and either doesn't come home, or comes home at all hours leaving doors open, money lying all over the place, can get really aggressive if I try and talk to him.

He is always very contrite afterwards and promises to amend his ways, but up to this point hasn't. This culminated in a week past Sat, I went to bed, and he went to the pub leaving me a note. But when I got up on Sunday he was not home. The kids and I were obviously concerned, but we carried on and I took them to Church for the Remberence day service. When I got home hewas home, and I asked him to pack his bags and leave, which he did with no arguement.

He contacted me on the Monday by text saying sorry, to which I kinda blew him off, saying that I had heard it all before. He then didn't contact me until Saturday, when he told me he didn't know whether he wanted a relationship or not.

I am utterly devastated, to the point where I have now been sent home from work twice because I cannot function.

We have exchanged a couple of emails, but we are still not hearing one another.

Last night I suggested counselling, and we now have an appointment next week.

I swing between desperately wanting to save this, to thinking sod it, why do I need this in my life. I think that he feels the same.

So finally the question - has anyone got any success stories from counselling, or am I prolonging the agony?

The kids are devastated, he has been in their lives since they were 1 & 3.

I have already been through a divorce but this is genuinely the first time I have ever ever been heartbroken - I did not think there was enough water in my body for the tears that I have cried over this.

Please ladies, can I fix this??


This all culminated a couple o

[Conflugenglugen]

I'm afraid that the only thing I can say about counselling and I am very much pro-counselling, btw is that it will affect your marriage one way or another. Some marriages get stronger, others break up. Good counselling merely expedites the inevitable.

I would also suggest that you attend at least one AA meeting, whether your husband wants to attend with you or not.

I hope you find a resolution that helps you both, and helps your family.

[Mummiehunnie]

I would go to individual counselling for youself regardless of your oh/ex going for couples counselling as you obviously have codependance problems, I wonder if you are reliving your first marriage again in your second but with different players?

[LittleMissHissyFit]

OK. Time to stop.



It's way too early to talk about counselling. You have more pressing issues.

1. Work. Stop this getting sent home shit. You will lose your job.
   

1. Drink. Stop bloody buying it, alcohol seems to be causing a lot of this mess.
   

1. See who you are without the alcohol, focus on your life, your DC, your work and fix it.
   

1. Your P needs to do the same. You are currently equally to blame for this situation, and you are being destroyed by it.
   

You neither one of you need this crap in your lives and the DC certainly don't.

If you guys need a break to help fix yourselves individually, then that is what you should do. Take a 30day pledge to lay off the booze, or at least set a low cut off, past which you do not go. Do not get drunk.

Keep talking to P if that is what you decide to do, and take each day as it comes.

If you both work out why you drink to excess and either pass out or get nasty respectively, and learn to control yourselves, you have a reasonably fair chance at making a go of it.

If you clean your act up and he doesn't, then he is not prioritising you, he is not placing you and your life in high enough regard and tbh the writing is on the wall.

Take a deep breath, look hard at yourself and tell yourself that you are worth better than you have been having recently, and so are your DC.

[IloveBafanaBafana]

Thanks Guys, I appreciate your frankness.

I have just called AA and am waiting for a call back.

I am a reasonably intelligent person, how did I manage to get to this point?? .

I think I need to accpet that I need to sort out my relationship with myself before I can sort out my relationships with anyone else.

All booze has been chucked down the sink.
Had a wee cry, had a shower. Now to restart my life with or without him.

[Conflugenglugen]

Well done, BafanaBafana!

You're right. The relationships that you have will only ever be as good as the one you have with yourself.

My DH is a recovering alcoholic, and although we might disagree over many other things, the fact that his own recovery and AA come before all else is something I support wholeheartedly.

You should get a lot of support from AA. That's what I've come to understand anyway. Good luck!

[LittleMissHissyFit]

yaaay! Cheers Bafana!!

Bloody well done love!!!

Now, off you pop to the Brave birds bus on here... not the real name, something like it, but they can really help you too!!

Link here

[cowboylover]

I have no experience of relationship counciling but have for bereavement and substance abuse which really helped me.

I find you have got to find the right councilor that you can talk to and dont be affraid to try another one if the first one does not 'fit'

But I have to echo 'Well Done Girl'

[IloveBafanaBafana]

Ah thanks guys, you have given me the kick up the butt that I have needed, I truly do appreciate your honesty.

[Eurostar]

Alcohol completely gets in the way of counselling, it stops you thinking straight and it stops you practising what you learn. Ask your GP if there are any specialist alcohol counselling services in your area.

[IloveBafanaBafana]

Thanks Eurostar, am attending my first AA meeting tomorrow, I can't fix DP but I can fix me, and that has to be a step in the right direction, and if AA doesn't work for me I will try something else until I find the thing that works for me.
I just need to keep a positive mental attitude, and more importantly NOT DRINK.

[BaggyAgy]

HI,
I attended Al-Anon many years ago and the support for my life and my relationship ending saved me. Al-Ateen helped my children, and possibly saved them from becoming alcohol abusers like their father. I found this the best therapy possible. I learned to understand why I was how I was, and why I made certain choices. I changed. You will change and your `DP would change too. Stick with it. It is free, which is a huge bonus. Furthermore you will make friends which eases the burden of the loss of your relationship, or helps to support it if it continues. IT should be confidential too. Talking to your AA or al-anon friends saves you from burdening your RL friends and family. At AA or Al Anon They won't give you advice, rather assist you in working it out for yourself. Very good luck

[IloveBafanaBafana]

Thanks BaggyAgy, feeling very nervous and jittery, but really glad I hae made a positive step for me,

[LittleMissHissyFit]

Bafana> How did it go on Friday, how was your weekend?

Has someone point you in the direction of the Battle Babes thread, they are a wonderful gang and will really help you through the whole area of 'Have i got a drinking problem' and if so, what to do next?

[IloveBafanaBafana]

Hey LMHF

Yes, thanks for asking. Good weekend, in that I have acheived alot. Went to AA, will be going again on Wednesday.

Have already been on the BB Bus since beginning of Oct when I recognised I needed to do something about my own drinking, but glad I have know also got some real life help.

I think that regardless of what happens between DP and I, I will be ok, it will be a hard road and not the one I thought that I would be going down, but that is where I am.

We are also going to counselling, but I really think that it is well and truly over in his head, and this will be about how we move forward and remain friends, I think that we both still love each other, but I don't think that he is in love with me anymore, I will do what I can in order to hang onto the friendship, esp for the sake of the kids

Wow, that was more than I intended saying. Bit of an outpouring.

Anyway thanks for asking!

[LittleMissHoHoHoFit]

"I think that regardless of what happens between DP and I, I will be ok"

That statement is all I needed to know!

It is true, you will be fine, whatever happens!

All the very best of luck to you! Well done love!