I am hopping mad. Just livid, really, really livid

[hobbgoblin]

P who has always been a twat in various guises has surpassed himself.

Many months of 'work' behind us, my willingness to give him a chance to be less selfish, more mature, more lovingly generous...everything much improved.

He still feels entitled to time out weekly which he generally chooses to spend in the local pub talking to other feckless men. This tends to be an hour in the evenings between one and 3 times a week, sometimes involves me with a meal and visit to wine bar every now and again when I feel inclined and we can get childcare; it's okay - generally not excessive but still selfish I feel considering my inability to have as much freedom.

So we are beginning to seriously investigate why DD is not walking, we are thinking about cerebral palsy, we are both worried. Today she had an important appointment regarding her strabsismus.

DP was to attend. However, DP went out last night, locally. He told his brother he couldn't travel to next town for a night out with him as today was an important day for DD. So far, so responsible.

But, of course, DP goes out, has a lock in, gets drunk, doesn't get up this morning and ahs not attended the appointment despite prioritising it yesterday.

Okay, he worked hard all week. We had sleepless nights as DD was ill and a trip to out of hours surgery on Saturday. DP worked all day Sunday in the cold. I expected him to chill out last night. I didn't expect him to forget all his parental fcking responsibilites.

I don't know whether to never treat him as my co-parent and partner ever again.

He obviously has issues and would like to be a model parent and partner, but he doesn't seem capable for small significant proportions of time.

Time to stop allowing the improvements made to our family life stand in the way of accepting he still doesn't make the grade?

[hobbgoblin]

Haven't heard a thing from him. Not an apology or enquiry as to what came from the appointment. No doubt he is well aware just how 'wrong' he is but he should man up and start apologising imo. Even then I'm not sure I could guarantee forgiveness though.

[hobbgoblin]

Good question Dandy, not enough I'm guessing. I can't keep allowing his parents' poor example to be an excuse.

[Sarsaparilllla]

I have no advice but wanted to say that I would be utterly livid

[booyhoo]

tbh. apart from himnot getting up for teh appointment and not asking how it went i don't think his behaviour has been bad. unless of course the reason you don't get free time is because he is refusing to do his parental duty and care for his DD so you can have time away from the house?

[booyhoo]

i agree he most definitley should be apologising for fucking up last night.

[ConstanceFelicity]

Oh God, poor you. He sounds like a prick :(

[ConstanceFelicity]

"tbh. apart from himnot getting up for teh appointment and not asking how it went i don't think his behaviour has been bad. "

Uuuummmmmm booyhoo, is that not bad enough? [hmmm]

[stickersarecurrency]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I would be incandescent. To me that's pretty unforgiveable.

[cestlavielife]

how old is your DD? my DD didnt walk til 25 months, she has hypermobile joints, hypotonia and also had strabismus. but she is fine otherwise. now is 10. does fine.

is your P concerned about your DD; maybe v worried, doesnt want to face up to the issues?

not excusing him but you need to address this with him too. not going to an appt = denial.

but depends on the bigger picture...

[GypsyMoth]

I remember when you split before. I wondered why you gave it another go to, but well done for trying. Maybe he can't change?

[hobbgoblin]

sigh Ilove...I gave it another go because he has made changes. But not enough to fundamentally change things perhaps. If this still happens then we still live under the threat of such selfish fuckups. I don't need that anxiety. Things otherwise are a million times better.

I keep wondering if I'm being unreasonable, but then I think, what if he was sole carer - he'd have made SURE he was up and ready wouldn't he? This means he thinks he can rely on me to take on his parenting responsibilities.

Part of continuing in the relationship involved accepting who he is so long as he made genuine attempts to be more considerate, etc. He has done this but not fully engaged in it. Either cos he can't or he cos he can't be arsed.

Hmmm, he's calling my mobile now.

Don't know what to say.

Oh, no apologetic voicemail left.

[booyhoo]

oh yes, it is i was just wondering why OP posted all the other stuff if it wasn't relevant?

[hobbgoblin]

DD is 16 months. I have posted in SN topic. But she doesn't weight bear at all, which is the bigger worry really.

[flooziesusie]

"I keep wondering if I'm being unreasonable, but then I think, what if he was sole carer - he'd have made SURE he was up and ready wouldn't he? This means he thinks he can rely on me to take on his parenting responsibilities."

Hits the nail on the head; I would be fucking LIVID.

[QuintessentialShadows]

You are not unreasonable. And I vaguely remember your earlier threads.

It is not normal behaviour to go out and drink so much.

I am sorry he has not changed enough. It just isnt good enough, is it?

What good things are there in your relationship?

[Cookie26]

Dya know what people can make all the excuses they want, he's a first class arsehole. He can go out and get off his trolley at any point but that was completely out of order. He's not contacted you because he knows he's out of order. If it were me I would rip his face off grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[hobbgoblin]

I'm so fed up tonight. Have ordered in pizza and am going to have a TV flop out. I am suddenly really upset about DD. Even if not CP it looks as though she will need physio and will need extra support. I know people have it so much harder than me, and I'm just lucky to have her but still. :(

Partner has tried to call a few times but I just can't bring myself to talk yet. He'll no doubt want a hassle free run down on situation with her, offering no support to her or me in the process. I texted him to say I'd talk later but really don't feel like it.

No apology, just a 'sad face' email and then an invite to get take out curry with him. (His usual olive branch tactic)

[AnyFucker]

He isn't making the grade

in the most fundamental of ways

You say he is a million times "better"...well he must have been really fucking bad then (although I remember he was wasn't he?)

he is no support to you, and that is what you need

he cannot give you what you need (and dd needs her mum to feel supported)

come on love, curry just doesn't cut it, on any level

[ItalianLady]

He doesn't sound like a great father or partner .

I hope your dd is okay.

[mamas12]

Sounds like you need to have some time apart tonight.
I wouldn't talk, text or email at all until thoughts are collected and feelings felt.
Really stop thinking about him and start thinking about how you and dd are going tocope, he will have to catch up if he can. He is not a reliable person

[hobbgoblin]

I've absolutely no desire whatsoever to speak to him. I am thinking about it a lot, I could do with the support from him but he actually creates more anxiety with the constant fear of being let down or left out.

Xmas is pressing on my mind rather, all the fallout is but incident this just makes him a non parent.

I want to say "if you aren't up the job of Father then I wish you'd said so explicitly instead of dropping hints by not turning up for the job periodically, you are fired. Wanker" but I'm too weary to even listen to the criticism deflecting defense.

[ChippingIn]

((HUG))

Did you get any answers today?

I'm sorry, but in all the time I've 'known' you I haven't seen anything that makes me think 'so that's why she puts up with the rest of the shit'.

He's hard work - he's not a supportive, loving co-parent let alone anything more than that :(

[hobbgoblin]

I know ChippingIn, thank you :)

Had a long chat to my mum today about it all (never do that) and she was at a bit of a loss as to what to say. She is very passive and very tolerant (extreme version of me!) and sees that DP's behaviur is similar to a lot of men who are happy to put responsibility onto women. She is a men are from mars thinker. I'm not, but she has influenced my repsonses somewhat. That said ,she also thought he was disgraceful. My mum hen pecks my dad when she osn't putting up with his 'ways' which I hate. See, nobody can be a complete doormat. I'm much more feisty but like my bleedin mother I ultimately put up and shut up.

[ChippingIn]

I have no doubt they are from another planet - none at all but some of them have learned how to exist in our world and some never will!

All joking aside... men are different and that's good... however, the point of being in a relationship is support, love, kindness etc you need respect, consideration, love... and it should make life better not harder x