How do you go about getting some fun back?

[JimWontFixThis]

That's it really. How do you go about getting the fun back into the relationship, the talking, the laughing, the thing that made you fall in love in the first place. Because I'm absolutely fucking stumped, but things have to change.

I can't spend the rest of my life with him when it is like this. We've only been together for nearly 6 years, it feels like 60. Currently I'm a SAHM. He works full time and has also gone back to uni full time, so is always doing work, always. He is out of the house from 8am-7pm through the week. When he gets home, he plays with DD for half an hour before bed. Then he'll lay on the couch, exhausted, watching TV and moaning about work. I'll cook us dinner, we eat in silence mainly watching TV, and then the rest of the night is spent with either him continuing to lay on the couch in silence/nodding off, or upstairs in the office working. I appreciate he is working hard for us, I really do and he knows that.

I'm craving attention from him, but he has always been a 'loner' and so is quite fine with the above set up, and I think he just assumes that I am too.

It's draining the life out of me. I'm only mid twenties, but feel 30 years older.

How do I do this?

[Mummiehunnie]

I felt my marriage was similar in the years leading up to it ending.

I think once the flush of lust goes, the excitement of weddings, babies, house's wears off you are left with each other in the bare bones of who we are! I think getting the joy in the marriage is a two way street and something many married people struggle with. It is that very reason that I don't want to remarry, my mother is together and living apart long term from her fiance of about twenty years, I think that is the way I want to go, have my own home and independance with the children and have a man on the side for the fun bits, not the farting and dirty socks stuff!!!

Have you tried individual and marriage guidance counselling?

[wanderingfree]

Maybe you need to have a sort of compromise - a balance to your week.

If he has to work during the weekday evenings, or if he isn't working and has to switch off and recover, then make sure you have something planned every weekend that is for you two as a couple. Not necessarily an evening out, but it could be, or a sunday afternoon walk on your own so you get to chat to one another, a coffee sometime with a neighbour minding the kids.

You need time for you as a couple as it sounds pretty tough for you both right now.

[JimWontFixThis]

Thanks for the reply. We aren't even married, so I can't blame that for sending it downhill

I haven't tried counselling, what on earth would I say? I'm worried I'd sound like a self indulgent whinging bitch. I've suggested counselling to him before when we have had issues, but he doesn't believe in all that 'talking shite' as he says. He's not the easiest person to get to open up, I struggled to do it myself for a while.

I just feel so sad that this is it, this is my life. Yet I also feel like I should stop moaning because people have much worse issues.

[Mummiehunnie]

I felt like you about counselling, then a major life crisis occurred that was ongoing, so I tried it, it was lovely and indulgent the best gift I gave myself to rattle on about myself and life for fortyfive minutes once a week and to have insighfull, helpfull, non judgemental and benign advice and feedback... oh the joy of not listening to others issues and feeling disasitified that I had not had a chance to properly discuss what was on my mind as the friends issues were taking up more air time, and oh the joy to enjoy a coffee with an aquantance for fun and to not have to use them to bounce off your rotten issues....

[BertieBotts]

I might be completely out of place here - but you are mid twenties and have been together 6 years, so you've been together since you were late teens or so? Do you think it's possible you might simply have grown apart?

I think consciously making some time for each other could help. Maybe you could try recreating some dates from when you first started going out? What did you used to enjoy doing together?

[wanderingfree]

It sounds as though a chunk of his time is taken up with studying at the same time as working full-time. Well that must be exhausting for him and therefore also for you if you are picking up the slack at home/doing his share of the workload at home so he can study.

So accept the fact that life will be tough while he's studying. But surely his studying will be time limited, his course will finish and things will change. Sometimes you have to take the long term view and cope with a period of stress while one of you pursues a dream.

But if the course is going on for several years you need to create a better home/study balance or you will be very frustrated by the end of it and your relationship is clearly suffering right now from this.

Think about what you'd actually like to do as a couple and let your partner know, be as clear as you can be

[snowflake69]

My husband works similar shifts and I work and we have a child but we still have loads of fun in the evenings. We sit in bed and chat and have a drink, or watch a film or tv. We talk with each other loads most nights.

My husband is currently doing a degree and I have just completed mine. We used to work together to do the work. He would look up the things I need and we would have a discussion about it, or he would help me type it up etc. That way you felt like you always had moral support and it made it more fun for each of us.

My husband and I are 26 and married 6 years. I think its strange how he is tired straight from work everyday if he is a similar age. I think our age it is one of the most energetic times to bring up children as you dont really get as tired. Do you think he is depressed?

[deepheat]

Me and my DW can identify with this. Tbh, it sounds like he's knackered! You may well be too. Not sure how old your DC is, but whilst this is obviously a really frustrating situation it doesn't sound that unusual or remarkable. Quite a few people I know (and me and DW) have to look at their relationships every now and again because they get stuck in some kind of rut or habit that, whilst not really damaging, can strip away the great stuff about being in a relationship. You say your DP is OK with this because he is a loner but could it be that he is only OK with this because he's forgotten how much fun you two can have together?

Be patient. Don't try to reinvent everything all at once. Could you plan to go out for a meal in a couple of weeks time? Sometimes it is little things like that that can change our love for our DPs from the companionship/company/functional thing you've got going on to something a bit more romantic. Once that evening is over, set a date for the next one. Me and DW managed to go away for a long weekend (with 14m old DD) and comitted ourselves to having more 'bedroom time' every day once DD was in bed. Neither of us felt like it at first but once we were up and running, so to speak, it had a great effect for ages afterwards. And accidentally left us with DC2 .

Basically, I think its about you both making positive practical choices even if you sometimes don't feel like it and trusting that the fun, sexy etc DP you got together with is still there, but simply that life has thrown alot of baggage on top of you both so you have to work harder to find him.

[Anabellesmumanddad]

Sounds like a hard situation! The only idea I have at the moment is that while your partner is so tired and super busy, you'll need to find ways to have your own fun. For example if he is a bit of a loner, like you say, maybe you need a night out with your best girlfriend instead. You can't change what he chooses to do, but you can look after yourself. And the less 'needy' you are the better you'll feel. It might help the time pass while you wait for him to have more time.

I'm not one to talk though. My partner has loads of 'time' but we have nothing to talk about to each other. Spend most evenings one of us watching TV and the other on the Computer.

Good luck!

[JimWontFixThis]

Thanks everyone :)

A great coincidence or not - he got into bed last night and asked whether we had 'run our course' or not, and asked me what he brings to the relationship. He actually cried in my arms :( Cue a big discussion mainly centred around him being so exhausted, and he feels like all he does is work. I tried to make him focus on the positive, that he only has 7 months of study left. I even offered for him to cut his hours down at work, no idea how we'd manage as he only does 30 now, but we'd have to find a way as it's better than the alternative.

I begged him to take the day off today to have a lie in, spend the day relaxing but he wouldn't. He's at university now until 5pm. He has a history of depression, I may ask him to see his GP, but tbh - I think he is just simply knackered.

Anabellesmumanddad - I have started going out more with friends, once or twice a month, nothing big, just out. I feel he resents it so try not to too much. We are going out to tomorrow to a friends for a drink (even though last night he hinted that he was being forced to do so, not the case at all, I'd prefer him to stay home and rest tbh) but hopefully it will be some much needed time out together. We'll see.

Feel crap today. A mixture of sadness and guilt. Thanks for the replies so far, really :)

[deepheat]

Jim... Can understand the sadness, but not the guilt. You guys are in a difficult patch for understandable reasons. It's certainly not all your fault just as it isn't all his. Sometimes situations aren't anybody's fault but just a product of the circumstances we find ourselves in.

I realise you must feel rubbish, but couldn't you look on last night as a small bit of progress? You can now be confident that you are both aware that the situation is untenable and his response makes it clear that he isn't happy about it (it certainly strikes me that it isn't that he's not happy with you, just the situation you've both found yourself in). Like you say, it sounds like he's absolutely knackered but also that his self esteem is really low. Is there anything you could do to try and build it up again? I realise you might not feel like this at all when you're struggling so much yourself but by giving him a lift somehow, you may find that you get one yourself. Maybe tell him how grateful you are that he is making the effort tonight when you know how tired he is? Little things like that can mean a lot sometimes.

Really wish you all the best. These times are a nightmare. Only my experience, but often the best way to get through them is to sit down, accept that you're both struggling to look after yourselves so make a real commitment to try and look after each other instead.

Good luck, and I hope the evening goes really well.

[ICouldHaveWrittenThis]

This sounds horribly familiar Jim, so I do know how you're feeling. In my situation DP doesn't study, he just works an awful lot, leaving the house at around 6:30am, getting in at 7pm and then most evenings working until at least 9pm. By the time he does get downstairs we eat dinner and watch TV. Neither of us have the energy to talk. It's shit :(

[time4tea]

its a small suggestion Jim, but why not just turn off the telly, treat yourselves to a bottle of wine, and put music on instead. it is less draining than the telly, and there is the chance to talk.

or read to each other, if you like reading. DH and I do this, and it is restoring.

we used to make cocktails on a Friday night, and bop around the kitchen a bit. There's a book called "How to drink" which has all sorts of ideas for nice drinks (not all alcoholic ;)) which give a little bit of luxury and treat without breaking the bank, and fit in nicely around childcare.


good luck X

[JimWontFixThis]

Deepheat - you're right, it is progress, and in a way I'm almost thankful he feels this way too, because when I thought it was just me who was unhappy, I didn't know how to go about fixing it. Now I know he is just as desperate, a joint effort will be much easier than a solo one :) His self esteem has taken a battering, and I will do my best to give him a boost. I did tell him last night how much I appreciated him and everything he is doing for our family, and I will continue to do so. These things have a knock on effect don't they? We'll talk more tonight I hope.

ICould - It's tough isn't it :( I started to wonder whether it was because we just had nothing to talk about any more, we had just grown apart. But thinking about it, I have plently to say to him, I'm sure he has plenty to say to me, it's just easier to say nothing after me spending the day with a 15mo hanging off my legs, and him working/studying all day. We need to break away from the taking the easy option route and make more of an effort, definitely. I hope things improve for you, you sound so sad :(

[JimWontFixThis]

time4tea - thanks :) DP isn't a huge drinker, and isn't a fan of drinking at home really, but I do think we definitely need to switch that TV off. Some music, snuggled on the sofa and just reading with each other sounds lovely. Too many nights have wasted with him just watching TV and me sat on the opposite couch on this thing.

[ICouldHaveWrittenThis]

:(
We talk about it, we both know how the other is feeling (he's knackered, stressed, overworked and generally pissed off - I'm bored, feeling sorry for myself, deal with 99% of childcare/house-related issues as he doesn't have time, so feel very unappreciated)

Nothing ever gets done about it though :(

time4tea's suggestion is good - we are guilty of just sitting in front of the TV, but tbh at 10pm there's very little else we can be bothered to do.

I definitely spend too much time on MN as well

[JimWontFixThis]

That's how it is here too, we've had this conversation before and things always slip back to how they were. I hope not this time, I don't want this to be my life. I want some laughter back in my life, and god knows he needs some too.

I think tonight once DD is in bed, and we've had dinner, I'll run a bath, pour us both a drink (cuppa for him - party animal ) and we'll enjoy a nice quiet bath together. He's always asking me to get in with him, and I'm always saying no because I can't tear myself away from AIBU That can be my little effort for today. Small steps I suppose.

[ICouldHaveWrittenThis]

We don't even eat together anymore as 9 or 10pm is just too bloody late for me (and I end up snacking earlier because I'm hungry) so he gets himself something when he can be bothered.

We have NO life together at all at the moment, it's so bloody depressing dragging your arse through each day and then parking it on the sofa and sitting in silence.

Sorry Jim, I'm taking over your thread a bit :(

[deepheat]

Jim... That's exactly the kind of thing that me and others have talked about. Hope it goes well !

Just think you should realise that although this may feel terrible for you, you are going through something that is so familiar to so many couples. My routine with DW at the mo is that I leave for work just before 7. I get back for tea with DD at 5 (we all try and eat together) and we both then spend time with DD until she goes to bed at 7. For the last 3 months she has been sleeping terribly and - sad as it may seem - me and DW are generally thinking of going to bed by about half eight just to get enough sleep for the next day! Which basically means that we get about 1.5 hours together each evening. And we spend most of that watching the TV. Slightly crap. But we recognise that this is a phase of bad sleep for DD and it bloody better should pass so we make do as best we can for now. Means making a conscious decision to get a babysitter once a month so we can go out, to have some 'intimate' time whenever possible, to encourage each other as much as poss. We rarely feel like doing any of these things because we're so knackered, but when we do manage we never regret it and it really keeps us going - its just about making that conscious choice and carrying through with it.

All the best.

[Anabellesmumanddad]

I think the thing that I admire is that that some of you are at least still describing a desire for things to get better. That's worth something...

[time4tea]

Jim - I'm glad my suggestions hit the spot. Booze isn't necessary for having a good time (not that I live by that one :-)but putting a bit of care into food and drink helps a lot. I find it hard to have an entirely bad day when I have something tasty to eat...

also, a tip I read somewhere but that I haven't done myself (I like my nightie) is for couples to go to bed at the same time, without clothes. not necessarily to go for more sex, but for company and closeness. might also help with your DH's tiredness - I feel terrible if I doze off on the sofa and wake up with that furry-mouth thing..

[deepheat]

....then just peel the hamster first!

Jim any news?