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Wrong frame of mind for counselling?

9 replies

TeeBee · 08/11/2010 09:43

Just wanted some advice really. Had problems in my marriage for as long as I can remember and we just seem to be going over and over the same issues constantly. Everytime we hit deadlock it is for similar reasons. When it gets really bad, we talk it out but nothing ever seems to change - I guess because things don't come naturally for us both and things seem to need a constant effort. So we end up slipping back into our usual pattern.

Anyway, I think we would benefit from counselling to try and talk trough the issues we are both facing, the trouble is I have become so disenfranchised recently that I just don't feel in the right frame of mind to go to counselling - or at least make the most of it. I just feel tired with it all.

So, the question is, has anyone had counselling when they feel like this and it has been useful or should I wait until I know I am in the frame of mind to make a real go of it?
Thanks

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starsareshining · 08/11/2010 10:20

I have never had counselling so don't have advice which comes from experience.

However, surely, if you're feeling tired with it all and not willing to put the effort in, your relationship is currently at its most vulnerable. I don't understand why you think you'll get to a point where you do feel willing to put the effort in if things have gotten this bad and you don't have the energy to change it. I'd be worried that things would just continue to get worse. People don't go to counselling sessions when they're content in their marriage. I think that, for many, it is a last resort, so I'm sure that plenty of people have been to counselling sessions feeling the way you do.

I could be completely wrong though.

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TeeBee · 08/11/2010 10:31

Thank you Star, I think I felt that I would be taking the piss and wasting everyone's time if I wasn't feeling 100% behind it. But I think you are right, things probably won't get better on their own. Nice to have a second opinion.

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TeeBee · 08/11/2010 12:09

Any more for any more?

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loves2walk · 08/11/2010 12:43

Ok well I'll add my 2 pennies worth!

You certainly don't need to feel right behind it or convinced it will work for it to be worth trying.

Both partners will come to counselling with different feelings of optimism or pessimism about the process. The main thing is that you're willing to try something and that shows commitment to the relationship.

My DH and I have couple counselling and it is tough, hard work to dredge up stuff at times. But I feel it is worth going through it so see if there is any glimmer of hoipe for the long term.

When you say you slip back into your usual pattern - I think getting someone else to look at this pattern, through counselling, may help you to change your behaviour. This is what we do with our Relate person - she says she is helping us to change years and years of learnt behaviour, so we can be a different way.

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TeeBee · 08/11/2010 12:52

Thanks lovestowalk, that's helpful.

Think I'm concerned that it will drag so much up that we'll just drown in it. Concerned that we'll be opening Pandora's Box, as it were. I'm a bit worried that it will cause more harm than good - but feel I need to give everything a go instead of just throwing in the towel - if that makes sense.

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loves2walk · 08/11/2010 13:08

You might be right in all those assumptions teebee. You describe what happened to us!

I 'dragged up so much' that we could have drowned but our counsellor sifted through it and said "well, it's too much to deal with together, lets prioritise the issues...."

so we have covered 1 big one, maybe 2 actually and are now on another issue, so we have a long road ahead but atleast we weren't swamped.

Concern over 'causing more harm than good' - I know what you mean there. It made things worse for us before things got better. After each session my DH is raw; he goes off and licks his wounds for a few days. We both think about the session a lot and it is distracting. BUT worth it for us. Like you I want to try everything posisble before I throw the towel in.

Infact I realise now I don't want to throw the towel in at all - I just want to be able to communicate effectively and meet each other's needs so that we can grow old together and enjoy happy retirement years with one another, not apart. It has taken me over 10 sessions of counselling to realise that!

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TeeBee · 08/11/2010 13:22

The prioritising thing sounds reassuring - I think there are a number of core issues that taken as a whole might have him running for the hills!

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loves2walk · 08/11/2010 13:28

who? your DH or the counsellor?!

If it's your DH he might have his own to add to the pile! My DH added a new one during our last session - a big problem he has with me that I had no idea was as big as he made it sound. So I was the one smarting. Still am actually so not looking forward to our next session!

How will your H react to the counselling suggestion d'you think?

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TeeBee · 08/11/2010 13:35

No my DH - don't give two hoots what the counsellor thinks! :-)

Well, the plot thickens. He has just text me to say that he is happy and that he will just plod on and try to make me happy. Which I'm reading as total delusion - I feel like we have never been so vunerable, and this just shows the lack of real communication between us. He would go to counselling though - he has been the one to suggest it in the past, not me. I am usually the ostrich with a backbone of steel, not him.