will i ever have sex again?

[igetmorelovefromthecat]

I have been with DP for about 18 months, and to begin with sex was fantastic, and resulted in the conception of DD which was a bit of a shock but we were both happy about it.

As soon as I started to show he went off sex, and said it was because it felt weird doing it while I was pg. I was annoyed but I know a lot of blokes feel like that so I just decided to look at the bigger picture and lump it, as pg is not forever after all.

Then a few weeks after the birth things still hadn't got restarted, I did suggest it but now his excuse was that I was too fat which made me feel great as you can imagine. Finally when DD was about 9 weeks old we had a quicky on the sofa, which was a bit rubbish but at least it was a shag! But that's it. He never comes near me, never cuddles me, kisses me, or sleeps in the same bed (I co-sleep with DD and he is a terrible snorer so that bit I am not too bothered about).

I have regularly tried to talk to him about why he doesn't want to come near me and up to now he has always come up with some excuse - pregnancy/too fat etc, but now those don't apply and he still doesn't want to come near me, it seems obvious to me that things will never get back to any semblance of normality.

Then finally, after I totally lost my rag with him over it last week he finally told me that he had been sexually abused as a child and that's why he is weird about sex. I knew he had had a shit childhood in many ways but I had no idea that had happened with him. Of course I immediately got off his case about sex and wanted to help him - he clearly has some serious issues and really needs to talk to someone professional about it. He agreed and really wanted to get some help, so I found a psychotherapist and made an appointment for him, he was supposed to go yesterday.

But then he refused to go. I was so angry with him, it seems like he doesn't care enough to even try and sort this out. And it's not that I am some sex crazed loon, bear in mind I have gone a year now without any sort of physical attention from him, even a cuddle, unless I force him into it, and every day that is a kick in the teeth for me. And the problem goes much wider than just our sex life, he is having nightmares every night and cannot sleep and then sleeps during the day and does not help me out with DD (I run a business and am supposed to be working - he does not work - so I rely on him to take care of DD).

I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall here. I love him so much and I really want this to work but I feel like he is too scared to try and repair the damage in his head. He tries to make out like I am some nympho for wanting sex but I am not, all I want is some kind of sex life like most people in relationships have, I think that is pretty normal. And because we used to have a great sex life it's hard to accept that that has gone and is maybe never going to return.

I am still in my twenties and can't contemplate a life without sex but also can't carry on like this.

[poshsinglemum]

It sounds frustrating but I would try and slow down for a bit and go to councelling to try and sort it out. An unplanned pregnancy especially will skew his view of you as a sexual person. he may fear that you'll get pregnant again soon.

[poshsinglemum]

sorry to sound so blunt; it probably isn't personal.

[winnybella]

Erm...sorry but he sounds pretty nasty, tbh-'too fat'? WTF?
He needs to get some counselling pronto, other wise I wouldn't stay if I were you.

[igetmorelovefromthecat]

If I did get pg again he would be really happy about it, he wants loads of kids (obviously doesn't quite get the birds and the bees thing).

I have told him I am not sticking around unless he gets some help. I'm not sure he believes me though. I'm not sure I believe it myself tbh, I don't think I have the strength to do it just now, I am run ragged with 2 dc and working any spare minute I get. I feel really trapped.

[tb]

The nightmares might be connected with the abuse he suffered as a child. Have you/he had a look at the napac site - it's for adults sexually abused as children. Depending on where you live, there may be local resources that can help.

[emmyloulou]

Sorry I think it's probably more to do with your relationship.........

I know sexual abuse can have profound implications later in life on emotions, I won't explain I just know.

However he was fine enough with sex to get you pregnant and have amazing sex before, then in came the excuses, you were pregnant, now too fat. It's not pleseant to say that to you but it does sound rather like he just does not fancy you anymore.

It also says a lot that he won't get help to over come this issue between you and help himself.

You did get pregnant v quickly...and now is the time that things would be cooling down anyway and a lot of relationships start to falter after the initial flush.

He needs to go to the dr for his night terrors though and see a counseller if he has genuinely developing new issues with regards to the abuse. If he won't there is nothing you can do.

[rialee]

i know you must be fustrated but try talking to him, tell him you care and that you want a future, but that includes a sex life. Find out if he still wants you physically without the bull and excuses. Ask him always to be honest with you, if he does still love you and want a future he must start again, such as holding hands, hugs and kisses tread slowly, You cannot force him to get help, that is for when he is ready, abuse is not just something you can wipe out. He needs time and understanding, you need to decide whether he is worth the wait, and if he is then give him your support. If not explain to him why you cant stay with him and move on. Good Luck and god bless

[Thingumy]

I suspect something has triggered his memories of childhood abuse,hence him withdrawing from you physically and the nightmares.

Has he said whether the abuse was from a female or male?

He should seek counselling,it will be a scary and frightening concept for him, so go easy.You cannot push him into counselling I'm afraid.I was abused as a child and if my dh ordered me to go and arranged counselling for day X, I would of told him to piss off.

OP there are lots of books out there for childhood victims of abuse and their partners,maybe if you both start to read one,it may open some communication and understanding from you both.

Best wishes.