Was I wrong to break up with this guy?

[mummery]

This will probably seem long and a bit muddled so I apologise in advance

I don't have a great history with men: split up with my son's father when I was pregnant (2003, he left me) and have only had two serious relationships since then, both of which ended with me getting dumped in heavy going circumstances.

Lately I've been having a go at internet dating without much luck until (I thought) a couple of months ago. I started seeing a really lovely guy with whom I had tons in common from the superficial stuff like food and film tastes to the broader more essential stuff like moral values, hopes for the future etc. We talked loads and saw each other a lot and both kind of felt we'd struck gold with the whole internet thing.

Sexually he was a 'slow burner' compared to what I was used to - what I'm used to being sex first, questions later, I guess, which I know is not a good thing. It took a fortnight for him to even kiss me and the first time he slept over we kept our clothes on, chatted until the early hours then just fell asleep

Eventually we did get naked however and despite the anticipation it was a bit crap. My last partner was an arse to be honest but we got on so well intimately, to go to this...well I felt almost repulsed. New guy basically just lay there in silence whatever I did to him, and the only thing he'd do to me was this endless, rough 'handjob' for want of a better term, followed by a bit of passionless humping.

This problem was compounded by the fact that although this new guy is lovely and really nice looking he has a body that is totally not my type and if I'm honest a bit off-putting; he's very skinny and it felt rather like climbing onto a pile of sticks. I know that sounds shallow but I'm not sure I'd ever come round to lusting after him.

The other problem and what was a dealbreaker for me was that he made repeated reference to his ex, usually when we were in bed. He told me sexual stuff about their relationship that I didn't ask to know and didn't want to know, and he'd usually come out with it at really inappropriate times - eg five minutes after we made love he told me that their 'record' for 'doing it' was 8 times in one night

Anyway this combination of stuff led me to break it off. I explained how I found the references to his ex pretty repellent, as for the other stuff I just said I felt we were sexually incompatible.

He was really embarrassed about the things he had said and apologised profusely, saying it was through nerves and wanting to impress me - he was basically trying to show off past exploits. He asked that we try again and he'd shut up about his ex, and said that he thought we hadn't given the sexual compatibility issue a chance to evolve. He could be right I guess?

The thing is I am wondering whether I was wrong in giving up so easily on someone who has an absolute diamond character. He has a child (with said ex - she left him, 7yrs ago) whom he supports and maintains contact with unfailingly. He listens (and I know how rare this can be), is intelligent, funny, thoughtful etc etc etc. I mean I have been out with aggressive guys, philanderers, junkies, thieves, passive aggressives...this man on the other hand is someone I could really envisage a beautiful future with in a lot of ways. I'm sure he would shut up about the ex (and I accept his reason for making the comments in the first place) but I'm not so sure about the attraction and sexual issues. I've spent a lot of years having a lot of bad sex in my life and promised myself I would never go back to that. But should I, for the sake of pairing up with a really good guy who is genuine, honest, faithful etc? Or should I define a 'no settling' rule and stick to it?

We have kept in touch since splitting up, he's been over a couple of times, he's not put any pressure on or even mentioned 'us', just been the ordinary yet stand-up guy he always was. It's great that we're friends but a couple of people have said to me how sex isn't everything and I'm thinking maybe I've thrown in the towel too early and/or for really shallow reasons.

Thoughts?

[mummery]

Btw we didn't have sex just that once, it was that bad every time and no matter how passionate I tried to be, he did not respond, to the point I felt pretty damn ugly and useless

To be fair to him I think he did spot what was missing as he made a few remarks along the lines of "I'm not that bad in bed all the time" which makes me feel equally though I have no idea how to respond!

[Doha]

If you are asking this question to us , then clearly you are doubting your decision.

Personally l would give it another go. However l disagree that sex isn't everything it is a large part of the relationship. Again perhaps he was very nervous and that's why sex was such a letdown for you.

[Doha]

oops sorry x post

if it was rubbish everytime perhaps just stay friends

[KristinaM]

isnt it a bit unrealistic to assume that the first time with a new partner will always be fantastic? woudln't you be willing to work at that side of your relationhsip, discover what you both like?

maybe he doesn't have a lot of experience and was just doing his best? do you think he woudl be willing to learn?

[BitOfFawkes]

You did the right thing. Don't settle.

[ZZZenAgain]

well if he is a nice guy and you haven't met many up till now, maybe you could give it some time. I don't mean so much the sex, I'd personally leave it for a bit. He doesn't seem in a mad rush to get his rocks off so you can get to know him first. Sounds good to me.

What might not work (if you are like me that is) would be that you do not find him physically reasonably attractive (in fact quite the opposite, right?)

[mummery]

I don't know. For example one of the issues for me was oral sex. This is probably too much info but I adore it, both ways. He just lay there inert when I was doing it and never attempted to go down on me. The amount of times we were intimate you'd kind of expect someone to initiate it, unless he actually doesn't like it. And since it's just about the only way I can climax without seeing to myself...well I wouldn't want him to do something he didn't like, which puts me in a position of no orgasms unless through DIY.

OK this probably sounds over dramatic and thinking too far ahead but I did get the vibe he doesn't much like going 'down there'!

[BertieBotts]

Don't hang in there just because you think you shouldn't waste this chance with a "good man" - if that makes sense. You found and attracted him and that proves that men as decent as he is do exist and you can and will find that again. Now you have experienced that, the bar will be set higher, which can only be a good thing :)

It might be worth giving it another go if you want to wait and see on the sex front, but equally, don't do it just because you feel you should - what do you want to do?

[mummery]

He has a gorgeous, mesmerising face but from the neck down...no, I don't find him attractive.

[AnyFawker]

oh heck

you are sexually incompatible and no amount of wishing it ain't so is going to change that

I think you did the right thing in finishing it

you don't even fancy him, do you ?

btw, I bloody well wouldn't either...

[BertieBotts]

Oh xposted - sounds like you are pretty incompatible sexually.

[Constance39]

your instincts are probably spot on but you just don't know why yet.

You wouldn't have dumped him if he was right for you. There are very subtle signals as well as clear cut ones, and you might not have been aware what they were but they were there alright.

I concur you did the right thing. re the comments, does he maybe have an issue with mild autism/aspergers?

He sounds a bit like me!

[Constance39]

Gawd, I hate oral sex. Even when guys are brilliant at it. It gets me nowhere.

Can you send him to me, please?!

[atswimtwolengths]

No, I wouldn't fancy him, either! Nothing to do with the way he looks, more him lying there and then just madly rubbing at you - ugh! And the mention of his ex - well, I don't care what he says, what kind of idiot doesn't realise that's just wrong?

Keep him as a friend and keep an eye out for someone you fancy who is good for you, too.

[TheFarSide]

I think sexual attraction can develop if you are both willing to put the effort in. However, this sounds to me like it could be a transition relationship - the one where you cross over from the totally unsuitable bloke to the right one for you, via someone who's decent but not quite right.

[thatsnotmyfruitshoot]

I think it's often difficult with a new partner. Everyone is so different and I wouldn't necessarily write him off too soon.

However, there does need to be some kind of spark there, and potential for things to improve.I think whether it can work depends on whether you would feel comfortable enough to discuss what you actually want with him.

DP is very unlike X or any other partner I've had, but there was an amazing and easy intimacy right from the start, which meant we could talk about what we liked and didn't like, without embarrassment or awkwardness. That made all the difference for us.

[ChaoticAngel]

I'm with BOF do not settle.

[lou33]

he sounds like someone who is better off being a friend

sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship imo, there has to be chemistry

[Bast]

"...well I felt almost repulsed."

Very strong terminology. Listen to yourself.

I doubt, starting from a point of near repulsion, that things will improve. It's a high barrier to breach ...and why would you want to try?

[msboogieHallowqueen]

If he says "I am not always this bad in bed" you know for fact he is always that bad

[celticfairy101]

While I think that sex is an important part of a relationship it is a piece of the jigsaw that fits neatly together, to form a coherent whole.

I agree with the other posters that if you are feeling almost repulsed then, let's face it, things aint going to get better. He's still not quite over his ex by the sound of things. You paint a very frank picture of a sex life that would never spark into life. There has to be chemistry.

It's sad when you have so much in common. However I don't think you were wrong to break up with him.

[MakeYerOwnDamnDinner]

No no no no no no no. Don't have a relationship with this man. You don't want him. You deserve to be with someone you find exciting and sexy, aswell as nice.

[perfumedlife]

Christ, if he is repulsive now, think what it'll be like when he leaves the bathroom less than fragrant.

You did the right thing, you deserve the whole package.