Is my husband gay?

[PetitChou]

I have just discovered that my husband has been in contact with gay men on email and facebook. I am devastated, I have no idea for how long he has been doing so and am at a loss about what to do.

Do I confront him outright?

Truth be told, intimacy between us has been lacking since our baby was born - I've been too tired and am still struggling with pregnancy weight (& don't feel very attractive!) - have I driven him to this?

Has anyone else experienced anything similar?

[ShatnersBassoon]

Has he been in contact with them solely because they're gay?

[scurryfunge]

Why can't your husband have gay friends?

[stripeywoollenspook]

petitchou - i can't answer re your husband's sexuality, but i think it's beyond doubt that your current state of fatigue hasn't affected his orientation.... perhaps you should talk to him?

[ItsGraceAgain]

Do you mean sexy contact? Or joining gay groups? Or in contact with men, who happen to be gay, for some other reason?

You can't have "turned him". A person's sexuality is unalterable, though some gay and bi people try to fight it by acting hetero.

[anotherpointofview]

What a shock for you! Well for starters you definitely didn't/couldn't have driven him to it that is a certain. I'm sure it must have been the most tremendous shock (I had it with an ex and I felt like I had been hit by a train). You need to talk to him and hopefully he'll be honest with you. I hope someone with more helpful advice comes on soon x

[mathanxiety]

'have I driven him to this?' NOOOOOO

PetitChou, I have been in your situation. This has nothing to do with you or the baby or the weight or the tiredness.

Yes -- hit by a train describes it so well, and then I felt tremendous anger at having been sucked into his massive lie for a long number of years. Sadly, the chances of him being honest with you are slim to none if he has not come to terms with it all himself; any gay man who has gone to the trouble of dating and marrying and having sex with a woman, and then has dragged a baby into the whole sorry mess has huge issues surrounding his sexual orientation, plus massive character issues too.

I recommend finding out as much as you can about what he is doing on the computer before you confront him. Install a keylogger (spector pro is very good) and arm yourself with as much information as possible.

You must also go and have yourself tested for stds if you've ever had unprotected sex with him. Men with unresolved sexual orientation issues are often very hostile to women deep down, and have a lot of anger and self pity. To marry you and bring a baby into the world with you shows also a huge element of selfishness, willingness to use you, and a lack of respect for you as a woman and as a human being. A dangerous combination when you throw in the possibility of casual, furtive sex, 'bimarried . com' type hookups, f*ckbuddies, and all that the underground, 'down low' lifestyle entails.

[prettyfly1]

Mathanxiety I am sorry to hear about your experience, that must have been awful, however I dont think we can assume he is gay on the back of some chats with gay people - OP can you clarify what you have found - is he just chatting with friends who happen to be gay or is he exploring his sexuality via the internet?

[LoopyLoops]

Is it that he has friends who are gay, or has he joined a gay dating network (or suchlike)? They are two very different scenarios.

Find out as much as you can before you go in all guns blazing.

How is he generally apart from this? How long have you been together? What kind of a person is he? Happy generally?

[TiggyD]

He might be bisexual.

Mathanxiety said:"To marry you and bring a baby into the world with you shows also a huge element of selfishness, willingness to use you, and a lack of respect for you as a woman and as a human being."
If he is gay it doesn't mean he thought he was when he married you. He may have been (and still might be) convinced he's straight. I've slept with many guys who were 'straight' (I'm male) and there always seems to be a reason why two men having sex "doesn't count as gay". He may very well be lying to himself as much as you.

But It all might be a misunderstanding.

[mathanxiety]

That's why you need Spector Pro.

[whomovedmychocolate]

Petitchou - a lot of men have sex with men and women. It's not that clear a divide for some.

I'm sure you are reeling right now. But whatever his sexuality, you didn't create it. It was there before.

Now it may be that you find you can live with him having affairs with mens. Lots of women do. It may also be that he's doing bugger all (sorry poor use of words). He may just be chatting.

I can understand how alienated you must feel but you really need to talk to him.

And do something about your weight if it bugs you, go out every day and walk with your baby - it'll improve your mood and your waistline and your energy levels. Don't do it for your DH, do it for yourself. :)

[droves]

i think he might be bi ... .
sorry for blurting it out, but i dont know how else to say it.

However , it is no reflection on you , or your attractiveness as a woman.

Of course your feeling not at your physical best at the moment , you've just had a baby ! no one ever does !

But , even if your h is BI it doesnt mean he has cheated on you .... mabey hes just working through his issues , mabey hes in denile about his sexuallity ?.

OR perhaps hes just curious as to what gays actually do? Perhaps hes never actually been there iykwim? as in looking for info , not anything else as a way to sort out his feelings about himself.

i agree you need to talk to him .

[mathanxiety]

Lenin, I really admire anyone who has the integrity to end a relationship they know has no chance of working, as your friend did.

A lot of the women I have 'met' through an online forum I joined when I needed support about this cast doubt on the question of whether there's really any such thing as bisexuality. Some were told by husbands who claimed to be bi that they were one woman away from gay. Many interpreted this to mean the right man hadn't yet appeared, and some had their suspicions confirmed. Many also reported that some gay men are more comfortable claiming to be bi as that's really a feather in their cap getting it every way, able to pull both men and women. Some of the husbands just didn't want to hear themselves saying the words 'I'm gay' they just couldn't accept that about themselves, and bisexual sounded less poisonous to them. Some thought their wives or partners wouldn't be so angry with them if they thought they were bi completely missing the point that it's not the sexual orientation the wives and partners were angry about, it was the deceit, sometimes spanning decades, sometimes 'only' a few years.

Some who were told by their husbands that they were 'just curious' found out that was a lie too. Gay men who have gone to the trouble of getting married to a woman and staying married for a few years, maybe having children, guard their false front savagely. They cannot risk admitting to anyone or to themselves that they are gay -- that is a part of themselves that they hate, despise, feel deeply ashamed of, and they are willing to use a human shield to prevent exposure of that secret. PetitChou, do not talk to your H until you have spent time doing the necessary detective work or you will most likely be greeted with lies. You should also have yourself tested for stds.

Most gay men who know they are gay and yet are married hate themselves and are fundamentally unable to really love someone else as a result; they are particularly unable to love a woman, and you really feel that absence of any specific love for you as an individual if you're in a relationship with one unbeknownst to yourself. When you are made to feel unattractive as a woman, your confidence takes a nosedive. It's cruel to treat a woman like this.

[droves]

Math you just explained my ex-h !

His family is very homo-phobic.
I was 17 , nieve and stupid when i met him.

He had an affair with a man for 3 years .

During that time , we had got married and had children (2).

I hate the fact he lied. It made me suicidal when i found out, when we got divorced.

He is bi ...openly has girlfriends , secretly has boyfriend.
Currently no girlfriend , but has a "best friend" with whom he "stays over at" occassionally .
The children have stayed at the "best friends" house too . I have no problem with that. He has even babysat the children once or twice.Nice bloke actually.

The fact is , i have told my children, that there is nothing wrong with being gay/lesbian some people are just made that way.
It would break my heart if my children felt they couldnt be true to themselves for fear of reprisals from people who are supposed to love them (like their dad has)

I dont hate my ex now, i feel so sorry for him. The EX-INLAWS have a lot to answer for

[mathanxiety]

I think if he has girlfriends openly and a boyfriend in secret then I would suspect he's probably not bi but going through a severe sexual identity crisis. There's an element of the beard about the girlfriends if they're being presented to the world, like buildings in a film set.

I really feel for Jemma Thomas she comes across as a very strong and matter of fact person, and Gareth comes across as a nice but very confused man who probably was a kind and loving husband. I admire him for coming to the conclusion he came to about his marriage and what he owed her, and doing the right thing as Jemma said in some interview, before they had children and while she was still young enough to start again with someone else, maybe have a family.

The thing that stands out for me, that has been glossed over in most of the accounts of the Thomases life is that he had encounters with gay men in bars -- this should be a cautionary element of the story for anyone who thinks their H may be gay or bi (if such thing exists). You must be tested for stds, and if you continue the relationship on any kind of sexually intimate level, an open relationship or whatever, he must show proof of being clear on a regular basis. A commitment to always use protection is essential. 'He wouldn't expose me' is wishful thinking.

My my exILs (grrrrrr, hiss) have a lot to answer for too, Droves -- I could write a book, but no-one would believe it. I haven't got to the point of feeling sorry for my ex yet because he is also very much a narcissist and the baggage that goes with that makes him almost impossible to deal with.

I have been clear to my DCs that it's their character that counts, nothing else, not how you do in school or what your job is or who you're attracted to or fall in love with. It's how you treat your nearest and dearest that matters.

[droves]

Math ...you`ll get there with your ex eventually .
I never thought i a day would pass when i didnt hate him in the begining.
I feel so sorry for him now.

What he did was wrong , but i have 3 amazing children from him ...so it wasnt a complete waste of 10 years .

Your point about testing for stds is very very important .

Ive been tested for everything known to man becuase of the ex-h.

I remember waiting on the aids tests results and being terrified that i had something that was passed to my babies....for that i will never forgive him.

But , having said that ,straight men can pass disease on to their wives/partners too.

Lucky i was given a clean bill of health ...bit of a miracle imo actually.

[Cherry111]

I don't think he is gay, what are the signs of that? He has never really gave me any signs to wonder if he is.
Porn - I don't think so, he's always around me or working. The only time he's not is in the shower or takes a long bath every couple of weeks so maybe then but I've never had any suspicions about porn.
Affair - maybe, he's very guarded with his phone. That's been an issue in the past as I feel he's very secretive and to my shame I have checked it before which I know is bad. Nothing ever showed so then I felt worse. But he's never awol, he's always at work or with us. I never think "where is he"? to think he's having an affair.
I know I need to talk to him again but now I just feel like I can't. And frankly I don't want to have sex with him now anymore, ironic as he's caused it and now the tables have turned. I didn't sign up for this and now I'm so bitter towards him I have no idea how to change how I feel.

[Cherry111]

God I'm a dick, didn't mean to post that here

[hellsbellsmelons]

You can't 'drive' someone to be gay.
That's just not how it works.
You need to have a conversation with him.
He needs to be totally honest with you.
I hope you can get to the bottom of it.