How do I handle talking to an old friend?

[starsareshining]

I recently contacted my old best friend. Our friendship ended quite horribly and ridiculously when I was about 17 and it's a huge regret of mine. I've never had a friendship as close as that one. Anyway, I finally plucked up the courage to send her a message over facebook, just apologising for being such an awful friend to her, and, to my surprise, she sent a very nice reply telling me that I didn't really need to apologise but it was good of me to do, then asking all sorts of questions and even inviting me out for a drink with her if I'm ever in the area.

I was really surprised by this because I assumed that she would have absolutely no interest in speaking to me. However, I really don't know what to say. I have the lowest confidence of anyone I've ever met and no longer have any friends. My life just seems to be very... bleh. I've been advised to go to see a doctor before, which I still haven't done. I can't quite bring myself to do it. I'm worried about what they'll say is wrong with me if I truly reveal all of the thoughts I've had and things I've done. Anyway, I'd quite like to explain to her why things happened the way they did, but obviously, I can't just start going on about my possible mental health problems. I just don't know what I could possibly say that would be of interest to anybody.

My partner is always encouraging me to make new friends, as he thinks it'll really boost my confidence and give me people to talk to about my feelings, but I can't exactly begin a friendship when I'm like this. I just don't know what to say to her now. I've almost built her up in my mind as this incredible person (we were incredibly close, which she acknowledged in her message. I've never really gotten on with anybody else that well) so now I'm wondering why she'd even want to talk to me, whether she's just being polite. I've started to read into some of the sentences and concluded that she's not after a real friendship, but is happy to send a couple of messages. I know it's very sad, but I'm really disappointed about that because I'd actually love to become good friends with her again.

I now can't stop thinking about this message, and my heart starts racing every time I do, and I don't know what to do! I'm almost tempted to say 'Oh, I won't reply til I've sorted my life out a bit, then everything will be more natural and I'll actually have something to talk about'. I woke up this morning feeling incredibly positive, now I'm back to feeling like nothing.

Sorry I've waffled on a bit. All of these different things are linking together in my mind as I'm typing and I find it difficult to edit out the wafflings :)

(BTW, our friendship only ended about four years ago so it's not as though I'm dragging up ancient history. It doesn't seem too crazy to believe that we could perhaps be friends again, does it?)

[Doha]

No there is every chance you could be friends again but don't expect too much to soon. Take it very slowly and get to know her again, then take it further from there.

Good luck

[peggotty]

You are setting far too much importance on this renewed friendship imo. You seem to recognise that you need some help with mental health issues and low self esteem - work on that. I suspect that the falling out you had with this woman wasn't all your fault as you are implying anyway...

[talleyrand]

go and meet her. friends are SO valuable, never turn down the chance of friendship..

[starsareshining]

Thanks for your advice. I do really want to just be carefree and go for it, but then I also know that I am placing too much importance on seeing her again, and that isn't how friendships naturally evolve. When we originally fell out, it was around the time that I was starting to feel 'wrong' and experience some problems, although I wouldn't have been able to describe them at the time. I was also quite paranoid and read/heard a lot of things that she wasn't really saying. I can't just charge in and say those things to her, though she must be wondering how I got into my current situation.

I think the fact that I am completely friendless doesn't help. I really can't stop thinking about it now. Even getting a smile across the room from a parent at surestart sets me off. I start wondering whether they like me or want to be my friend. Then start practising things I could possibly say to them. It's pathetic and I sound like a child in the school playground.

I just don't know how to relax and behave normally and say normal things to her. My thoughts just go round and round and round. Then, when I think I've finally come to some solution, I start questioning the decision making process. Perhaps finding that one of the factors in my decision making was off or unreliable in some way. So then I need to adjust for that or find another way around it. Then, if I ever come to another conclusion, I usually recognise that my thoughts aren't to be trusted anyway. That's around the point when I wish I could switch my brain off and employ somebody else to make decisions for me :)

This is all quite off-topic, isn't it? It sounds as though I'm asking for a script so that I can make a smooth transition from acquaintance to friend. I don't know what other people would be doing right now. I don't know how other people handle these kind of situations.

[talleyrand]

just - - go and meet her. friends are SO valuable, never turn down the chance of friendship..

if it doesn't work, shrug, at least you tried. Better to try and fail, than nt try at all.

[blinks]

you sound like CBT might help break the paranoid thought pattern you seem to get stuck in... and having a mental health problem isn't shameful at all! i've had severe anxiety in the past, a nervous breakdown and my husband has chronic depression... over the years we've both confronted the reasons and have found ways to cope. a good GP can be the gateway for you to get some help in coping with your feelings of paranoia and depression.

i think the friend situation is a bit of a red herring- you need to face up to how you're feeling so you can find the confidence to make friends generally... don't be scared.

in the meantime keep in touch casually- asking questions is generally a good way to re-bond- ask her what she's been up to and what her life is like now.