Advice with teenage DD who won't speak to her Dad

[feelingpositivemum]

To try and keep it short, I split up from ExH a year ago. He was EA, behaved exactly like so many others described on these threads. I am pleased to be out and have never looked back.

We share custody of the DC's, and I know the transition can be very hard for them but I didn't know how hard for my eldest DD until she developed an eating disorder and has been an inpatient at an adolescent unit for several months. After a couple of weeks there she refused to see her Dad and since then has gradually agreed to him taking her back when she has leave a weekends (10 mins drive). That is after I have encouraged her to let him, she seems totally fine not seeing him and when pushed says she will gradually build up to see him as much as before, but doesn't seem to be initiating anything. She refuses to go to his house when on leave from unit.

I have explained everything to unit, but they seem to be pushing me to support her more in seeing him. They say that I am supporting her in NOT seeing him because don't force her to see him. She is picking up on this and therefore is being encouraged by my behaviour. But I don't believe I should.

Should I just let her come to her own decision as to when or if she ever sees him again or actively 'encourage' her to see him.

She will only say that I 'know' why she won't see him, its the same as my reason!

Can a 14yr old make such an active decision to cut out one parent? Should I encourage her to see him more until she is older and can make a more balanced decision.

Sorry if this is confused, it's all a mess.

[toomanystuffedbears]

Feelingpositivemum, it isn't confusing.

Imho, you are doing the right thing by respecting your daughter. Age doesn't really figure into it as I see it.

Why would anyone want her to go off with an emotional abuser, related or not? No, no, no.

Stand by her. Perhaps consider moving her to a different unit, one that might have a psychologist on staff(...sorry, being a little sarcastic there...) but really, I am surprised that this staff would encourage throwing her back into the fire that forged her problems in the first place.

I hope she gets well soon, and congratulations on getting away from him.

[WriterofDreams]

They want you to force a suffering 14 year old to see someone who obviously makes her feel uncomfortable?? What are they on? Have you asked them why they want you to force her to do this? Do they know the history between you and your ex?

I hate to ask this feelingpositive, but is it possible that something happened between your daughter and ex? Something she hasn't told you about? Have you asked her why she (specifically) she doesn't want to see him?

[feelingpositivemum]

Thank you. I did say to them that if he had punched me they wouldn't be asking this of me or her.

They say they get it but I don't think they do. There are psychologists, family therapists and indeed psychiatrists so I'm a bit puzzled as to why they are saying I am supporting her rejection of him and trying to get me to encourage her to see him more.

I feel as if I am in the wrong (any surprise there?), as he sits there saying he wants to change, and he is open to change.

Not surprisingly, I feel like I have made it all up until I see my DD doing a lot better job than me of communicating her anger.

[TethHearseEnd]

WriterofDreams makes a very good point- even if you are certain that nothing went on, the unit certainly isn't and should not be playing such dangerous games with your DD's mental health.

[feelingpositivemum]

Sorry WOD, I have thought that, but I don't think so. I do know that she doesn't feel heard by him, that when she brought up concerns he just laughed them off and when I left she took over the house tidying etc, and he just laughed at her being upset

He is a typical bully, he just sucks the life blood from you. And why do we share care, I don't know how to change it. They go to him one night more than the courts would give anyway and they are with me until he finishes work on those days anyway so it isn't 50/50.

And he does a lot of good with them too.

[feelingpositivemum]

TethHearseEnd, I was worrying and was cross about that. They would argue that because we share care they have to listen to us equally. If I had complete care they would be able to listen to me more (?)Because I share care, I have made the decision to have him in their lives so they have to work with that. Does that make sense and is that right?

Writing this down has helped me see that I am going to support her whatever she decides. I desperately don't want to lose faith in the unit as they are keeping her eating at the moment.

I am rubbish at minimising. I know I do it and I'm working on it.

[TethHearseEnd]

I think your DD is telling people she no longer wants shared care. Even if it's just for now.

[feelingpositivemum]

And I have told her she doesn't have to go. I am not going to push it now.

[gettingeasier]

FPM well done for getting out of an abusive situation.

Stand by your instincts if she doesnt want to see him why should you encourage it ? It would be different if you were influencing her not to or even if she were much younger and therefore maybe making a mistake in not seeing much of him. IMO at 14 she is old enough to make up her own mind and after all she may change her mind in due course if she decides she wants to see more of him. In the meantime if the unit is having success with her keep her there and quietly hold your ground.

I am so sorry you are going through this it must be a terrible worry and a lot to cope with on top of the divorce

[TethHearseEnd]

I think you're doing the right thing, FPM.

[feelingpositivemum]

Thank you gettingeasier and TethHearseEnd, it has made it a bit clearer in my head that she is able to make her own mind up and I shall just support her in whatever she wants to do. x